Tag Archives: break up

Text break ups are underrated

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Not the best example

Not the best example

Breaking up sucks most of the time, even when you agree that it’s the right thing to do, rejection always stinks more than the bathroom at a cheap pub. Now there is so many options for breaking up: starting with the text and finishing with the ceremonial break up dinner.
I am a great supporter of the short and sweet text break ups because I don’t want a whole event made out of me getting rejected. What are we going to do next? A break up party? where you break up in public and after that you take questions from the audience?
Typical, you hear someone saying “at least you deserve that he/she breaks up with you in person”; to me, that sounds like “at least you deserve that your death is painful and slow”.
Lets look at how a regular breakup would go, vs. a text breakup:

REGULAR BREAKUP:

Breaker: (over the phone) We need to talk about our relationship
Breakee: (freaks out) hmmm ok, when?
Breaker: tomorrow
Breakee: ok (can’t sleep and has a horrible night)
The next day…
Breaker: It’s not you, it’s me. I have no time for relationships right now, I need to find myself
Or…
Honest breaker: I’ve met someone hotter, I’ve met someone with more money, you’re too dumb, your boobs are too small
Breakee: whyyy? Oohh why???
Breaker: I am sorry, don’t cry!
Breakee: (cries and then goes home humiliated, to cry some more and watch something like Bridget Jones or The Holiday)
THE END

TEXT BREAK UP

Breaker: I don’t want to see you again
Breakee: OK

See? Short and sweet, no humiliation needed. In case there is still doubt, I’ll list the benefits of a text break up:
– If you cry no one sees you/ If someone is crying for you, you’ll never know
– You can be honest (or pretend) that you also wanted to break up/ you can pretend that you believe them
– You have time to think about questions that you want to ask/ you have time to think about your answers
– If you REALLY want to follow up and ask for an explanation, you can arrange to do that later (who wants a further explanation on why this person doesn’t want you?)
– You don’t have to sit through the most awkward meal ever, or pack your food to go mid-bite so you can go home and cry.
– People don’t have to watch you break-up/ that can actually be fun for the other people that are watching.

Conclusion: text break ups are the way to go, please don’t do the “Break up post it” a la Berger from Sex and the City, that is just tacky.

What are your Break Up tips? Or funny experiences that you’d like to share?

berger

I just met you, and dating is crazy, so I won’t give my number, call me NEVER

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Dating S.U.C.K.S, honestly. You stress about what to wear, what to say, how to act, how much info to reveal, then you blink and it’s over, and you just had 10 mins of fun.

For me, it’s always a situation on which the reasons to break up are “mild”, nothing too dramatic, the most common scenario for me so far would be when the guy is nice but lacking a little bit of emocional intelligence (the maturity of a 5 year old watching Teletubbies).

To prove that dating sucks and we should all remain celibate or bring back arranged marriages, I’ll give you some percentages and facts that come from totally reliable sources:

-Dating is like making a very bad investment with high risk, where you put all your money and have a chance of 0.000000001% of getting it back, and you don’t even know how much of it you’ll get back! maybe you’re making all this effort for a dollar. And the 99.9999% chance of things sucking presents different posible endings, that of course stink like a bag of uncooked shrimp left in the sun for 2 days; like getting cheated on, things endind abruptly when you thought they were going well and they said that they loved you an hour before, someone breaking up with you right after sleeping with you, him breaking up with you by showing you a hickey from another girl,  you breaking up with him when you find texts from a girl showing her boobies or someone breaking up with you stating stupid reasons when you know that it’s sooooo their lost because they’re fat, ugly and broke. (all true stories that happened to people I know).

– You end up in dates that seem like a bad episode of a sitcom, or even worse, a reality show. You can meet one of those guys with anger issues that throw bottles at the waitress when they don’t get the ketchup fast; or the guy that burns himself with cigarrettes because the girl he likes doesn’t want to be with him (for this and more examples, watch The Real World Saint Thomas). You could meet a guy that acts like he’s on a date with his car and not you, or the guy who thinks vegetarianism is a myth, or the guy that hates mushrooms and people who eat them (please check my previous post, The Mushroom Guy)

– Even if it goes well, you honestly have a good time 20% of the time,and that is being generous the other 80% you’re just busy overthinking small details and things that he said and how he said them, and struggling about being tolerant about his lack of punctuality, never offering to wash dishes; or bigger problems like him being drunk all the time or forgeting to put some of  that dust covered Old Spice deodorant that he keeps in the back of the bathroom cabinet.

– How the f@#$#@ are you supposed to make plans that make 2 different people happy, at the same time? That is how you end in car shows falling asleep on top of the Ferrari because you’re so bored. Hell, how are you even supposed to hold a conversation when so many comments could make things go wrong, everytime you open your mouth the posibility of saying the wrong thing is 99.9%.

I’m thinking of putting together a “First Date Questionnaire”, it won’t really have the usual questions like: where do you see yourself in 20 years? but things that are more important that we never ask, such as:

– What is your view of a great relationship:

a. Dating 3 or 4 girls at the same time, since I get different things from each one of them

b. I just want to get married and get it over with, and have 15 kids

c. I want to be prince Charming to my Cinderella with little birds chirping and squirrels talking to us about how great our love is

d. I have a normal view, having fun and respecting each other

this.is.me.venting

Infallible solution to get over someone: start seeing him as a different person (if he’s a loser, it’s even easier)

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Unless your break up was a big mistake and he is the love of your life (in this case run, go get him!), I am sure that now you have at least one good reason or a list of reasons why things didn’t work and weren’t meant to be, and shouldn’t be. Everyone deserves an initial period of sadness and grief, but after that, why don’t you use all those reasons as ammunition to get over him?, I’ll explain how. When you fall for someone, you see them in an ideal way, you see all the good in them, they’re the cutest guy in the world, you love how they make you feel, every moment is magical, etc, etc. But then, at the moment when you break up, or he breaks up you see another side, it is either an evil side that you had never noticed (he has the maturity of Snooki [or her drinking habits], the ego of Kanye West, or the ability of falling in and out of love of Kim Kardashian) or something that makes you and him incompatible (you are a vegetarian, he thinks that cows live in a spa before dying [true story], or he thinks that alcohol is evil, or maybe he’s one of those homophobes that likes to occasionally slap his male friends in the butt [true story]). Now that you think about it, this new person that he is now for you, isn’t it a lot different than the guy that you fell for? Completely different person, and he’s not your burden or problem anymore. Whatever the reason why things didn’t work is, I’m pretty sure there is a reason, and in some cases, there might even be a lot of disappointment on your side, that makes your case even easier.

OK, so to get over someone you just have to “REALIZE THAT THERE IS A GOOD AND LOGICAL REASON WHY YOU’RE NOT TOGETHER, WHAT HAPPENED IS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED AND IT IS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU”. Work on seeing him as a different person, a person with all these flaws that you didn’t see before, or/and a person with whom you are incompatible and you wouldn’t be happy together long term.

Follow these steps:

  1. You have grieved already, so now, without any feelings that match the ones of a character from a Greek tragedy, without sleeping in fetal position or crying in the shower, just think objectively about all of those reasons. It wasn’t meant to be and the sooner it ends the better.
  2. Reflect on the things that this relationship taught you and work on improving yourself.
  3. Reflect on the things that this guy had that you never ever want to look for again in any other guy in the future, make a quick mental note to run like the wind whenever you see this.

This method works, the key is to allow yourself to have enough grieving time before you do this and then lather, rinse and repeat… and then improve your taste in men, and work hard in not being a psycho yourself.