All those songs about stalking that are cool right now

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Today I was noticing all the songs about co-dependance and stalking that are on the Top 40 right now. Funny enough, all of them are sung by girls, because if guys sang about abduction and obsession, people would be worried right? But a girl that hides in the bushes in front of his ex’s house and has lots of tapes of “Dexter” in her apartment.

First, Carly Rae keeps on entertaining us, after we got sick of her “Call me Maybe”, and after she got busy with 4 or 5 (fake?) alerts of photos in compromising positions (aka. Naked), she decides to gift us her song “Curiosity”, this is one is like “Call me maybe”, but now she gets the guy and begs him to NEVER let her go, maybe if you stop singing Carly, maybe then. Honestly, is this supposed to be romantic? I guess that marrying a guy that has you on lockdown is a dream come true now. Is having to ask for permission to go to the mall, the new fairytale?

Then, there is the other side of the story, this girl who is a kidnapper apparently, she has this guy on handcuffs so he can’t leave her, in this case. Then again, she is starting to sounds like a woman version of Chris Brown, is no one bothered by this?, if her next song contains the words “Duck Tape” and “chloroform “, then we should definitely start to get worried.

Actually, this last song is pretty cool, (asides from the co-dependance and kidnapping as a pick up technique), but I couldn’t Google this girls name because there is like 60 songs with this name! Some of them are very old and one of them is about Jesus…

 PS: I find Kristin Steward cheating very amusing, the perfect ending to the co-dependant stalkerish relationship between Edward and Bella. There was no other way (sigh)  Image

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Celebrity naked pictures and my celebrity life of addiction to nasal spray for the flu

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It seems like every 3 days there is news about celebrity naked pictures online (ok, I am subscribed to girly websites like Jezebel), my curse is that I’m a very curious person, so when I heard that there were Snookie pictures, for example, I looked for them (I didn’t find them and I gave up fast, maybe that is the best outcome in order to avoid permanent mental scars); also, when I heard about Chris Brown, I also looked for them, in this case I did find them and I have to say that I’ll never be able to see a man the same way :(, but it’s all my fault.

I wake up today during my last days of “holiday” and laziness to find news about Carly Rae Japsen, noooooooo, she’s Justin Bieber’s pal, she is the “Call me Maybe” girl, and now there’s even more jokes about this song than there were before, that sound something like “I just met you, and this is crazy, but here are my boobs, on the webcam”. I will not look for this pictures as I feel that this will affect my ability of making fun of her for looking and sounding so immature, the jokes will never be the same, and my jokes are more valuable than preserving my brain cells from scarring.

The funny thing is that yesterday I had a celebrity moment, a moment during which it felt so nice to be unknown,a moment that if I were famous, they would be on Star Magazine with a picture of me chewing a burger with mayo in my chin: I had the flu a month ago, after that I started using Otrivin (nasal spray that’s over the counter) instead of filling my prescription for Nasonex, I thought that it would be better for me since you can buy it without a prescription, WRONG!. I thought something was wrong with me and that I needed some type of antibiotic since I couldn’t breathe without the Otrivin, just to go to see a doctor yesterday so he could tell me that my nose was ADDICTED to Otrivin lol, so it couldn’t breathe without it, that I was looking at a rough couple of nights having difficult to breathe, but I should quit Otrivin cold turkey and watch for withdrawal signs.

FUNNIEST.VISIT.TO.THE.DOCTOR.EVER…

Things I have learned during a month of doing nothing

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I am currently unemployed until I start my new job in July, I have been doing a few things here and there, but mostly I’ve been doing nothing, this is weird for me and hard to get used to, I’ve had so much fun but at the same time, I have lots of time for pointless observations or “learnings”

–  Watch Dexter all day and life will stop having meaning, you will also develop a crush on a serial killer and start listing the people that you could murder

– Seth McFarland does the same voice for Brian in Family Guy than for the dad in American Dad; Stewie may be bisexual; after Cleveland left the show, no one else is black in that town

– Watch Colombian novelas all day, and you will learn step by step how to choose between the careers of drug dealer or money laundry expert, skills that may be useful in real life like “how to manage a business”

– Waking up at 7, having cereal and then going back to bed ROCKS! You can substitute cereal for oatmeal for amazing similar results

– If you go to the supermarket during the morning, everyone you’ll see was born before 1940, and if you’re wearing shorts you might here things like “sweetie, aren’t you cold”, or you could get approval from a guy about your toilet paper choices: ” you can’t beat this price

– If you go to a beach in the middle of nowhere during the week, you might see a guy in a thong that is thinner than your bikini string on the sides, you might think that he’s naked and freak out, because there is children there, so you feel an obligation to walk by and make sure that he’s not showing his things

– The best way to spend your days is to distract all your friends that ARE working via text message or FB to tell them the stories about the guy in a thong and the old people at the supermarket

How drunk do you have to be to ask a stranger out on Linked In?, and other repressed frustrations

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If you are afraid of asking someone out, if you think that they might reject you, YOU MAY BE RIGHT! If someone has never given you the time of day or looked at you, and if the girl is even mean to you, most likely she will reject you, and you should avoid that if you’re smart.Image

If you are a normal guy, you’ll try to interact in a light way in person, electronically, etc etc, to see what her reaction towards you is; if she ignores you or looks at you like you’re something that the cat dragged in, why would you go ahead and ask her out?

Yesterday a guy that I don’t know asked me out on Linked In, I added him because he worked on the same place where I work, but his picture was taken from really far away, he could have been anyone, well, anyone that’s ugly, even from far away, he looked ugly.

This event made me mad, if he is so afraid of asking me out in person, why would he ask me out in the first place? I choose to ignore him, because what would I say? Even if he was attractive physically, I don’t know who he is! And this attempt to ask me out seems like he knows that his chances are slim and didn’t want to risk a rejection, so the most effort he’d do was a message on a business networking site. I guess this is like buying a raffle ticket with other 200 people, you never expect that you’ll win. Not that I am such an amazing prize, but this guy seems very pathetic, and having balls is a must on my list.

Anonymous guy, thanks, your actions are exactly designed to cause a very uncomfortable situation in the hallway, if I knew who he was lol, I guess it will be uncomfortable for him. I just wish with all my heart that this is the end of it.

Congrats man, you for sure know how to make a first good impression, now I know that you were stalking my desk to write down the exact spelling of my last name, then you stalked me on Linked in, but you are such a good decision maker than you thought that all of that was better than just trying to start a conversation with me.

Music review: Exciting unknown artists that become mainstream and awesome comebacks

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As I expressed on a past post, I am appalled by the abundance of songs that could have been written by a well trained dolphin, or a 5 year old while also constructing a house made of Play-Doh.

At least I heard a decent Rihanna song, that if I remember well, is not filled by sounds like: “a, oh, na, ella, etc. I was disappointed to hear Nicki Minaj in an electronic music song, because rapping is what she can do and she should stick to that, 15% of singing per song top please!

Things that excite me right now:

-The super amazing and original band The Ting Tings is on Mtv! And they’ll have a concert that I’ll obviously go to and report back. If you haven’t checked them out, it’s very upbeat indie pop with funny or inspiring lyrics, I recommend the songs: “ We Walk”, “Great DJ” and “Shut up and let me go”.

– SIA, who is an amazing European singer that I had the privilege of seeing live, she rocked! Well, Sia has managed to make her way into the Top 40 without losing her essence, check out her song with Florida “Wild One”. And then listen to “Buttons”, “You’ve changed” and “Breathe me”.

Things that excite me from the near future: Amazing come backs that I can’t wait for!

–          Garbage: I’m really excited about them, her voice is AMAZING. I haven’t heard a bad Garbage songs and they have a little bit of everything: the classics like “Stupid Girl” and “Special”, the songs where they went super-edgy like “Androgyny”  and the songs on which she proved that with her voice she could sing opera like “The World is not enough”.

–          No Doubt: Gwen rocks! I love her with a passion. I love her in No Doubt and I love her from when she did her own thing. This  girl/band who can be rock/ska or hip hop and do both amazingly: “I’m just a girl”, “Don’t Speak”, “Spider webs”, “Hey Baby” and the song I never get bored of listening to “Hollaback Girl”, we’ll never know what that means, but the song is pretty amazing.

I hope that they don’t pull a Red Hot Chili Peppers and come back with some weird songs, that I still appreciate, but wonder what type of drugs where they in when they wrote them, but then again, isn’t that the case with ALL RHCP songs? maybe

Ross and Rachel from Friends are the worst relationship role model ever

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Recently, I am watching Friends (thanks to my friend who lent me the DVD’s). I like to watch a little bit of TV before bed and since now I live alone and I can’t afford (and it would be stupid considering the size of my place) to get another TV for my room, I am watching Friends in my tiny DVD player.

This show, that I like to call “the most overrated show on TV”, is somehow entertaining. I had missed many episodes when it first aired and now things make even less sense, specially relationships. And after reading Jennifer Aniston’s interview in some magazine that said: “I am sure that Ross and Rachel are together now and have more kids”, this made me want to tell her: “no, such immature people cannot hold a mature relationship”.

This couple was 30 and they acted like 15 year olds, I can’t picture a couple that invented hand signals to curse at each other after being in bed together 15 minutes before, raising their 2 sons and their daughter in a house in the suburbs. I am sure that Rachel list of last names would make Liz Taylor feel envious and that she’d share divorce lawyers with Madonna and one of the ladies from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

The saddest thing about this is how I’ve watched couples fighting like this, and now I just wonder: have some people suffered permanent mental damage from watching too many sitcoms? When you refer to  your boyfriend as pig, dog, or any kind of animal and then you’re still with him; or when you have screaming fights in the line to get into a club; or when you pour too much salt on their meal; or jump in bed and unmake the bed that they just spend a couple minutes obsessive-compulsively making (true story); say this to yourself I AM NOT IN A SITCOM. If you have fights that other people would find funny, you’re just a loser, you’re not a Kardashian, you won’t get a reality show. If you broke up because you wrote a 15 pages letter that your boyfriend didn’t read, and if you only wanted him back when he was with someone else (even after he said your name in his wedding!), please realize that just because Snooki is pregnant and getting married, that doesn’t mean that you can jump from total immaturity to raising a family.

Like my dad used to say “You can choose between being Paris Hilton or Ivanka Trump”, I get the point now dad, Thanks!

Nothing says I love you like a necklace that costs more than his pay check…

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…or at least that’s what every ad on the radio, TV and magazine says. Guess you have to break up if the guy gives you a spa certificate, or clothing or a bag (unless it’s Michael Kors of course).

Valentine’s Day is everywhere, and the advertisers are smart! They make you think that planned gifts out of obligation are “in” and you are lame if you don’t get them;  apparently I’m the exception for not getting excited about someone getting me a gift because he has to. It is not because I’m single; I have never celebrated it with guys I’ve dated. Last year I said that I didn’t celebrate it and the guy surprised me with flowers, they were pretty, but I kept on hating this “holiday”.

Why do I hate it, you say? Because I love surprises and gifts that don’t say “I spent a lot of money in you because I feel like I have too because you and society pressured me”, I like gifts and actions that say “I thought of you and did this cute thing for you”. The nicest gifts I’ve gotten have been a homemade “feel better soon” card, a pencil drawn rose with lots of details. And the actions that I remember the most were calling right away when something happened and made me cry, buying me medicine and taking it to my place when I’m sick, etc. You get the point: I DON’T WANT A GIFT OUT OF OBLIGATION.

I am going to defend men in this instance: so now it is socially acceptable to say that you are with a guy for his money, but is not acceptable that a guy is with you because you have an amazing body, hmmm…would it be OK if a guy tells you that you have to exercise your abs more, or put on full make up with fake eyelashes so he keeps on dating you? No; so then why is it acceptable to say that not buying you something expensive, or exactly what you wanted is a deal breaker? And they have to buy you a gift on a made up holiday that smart marketers have sold you. Of course that there is some exceptions, like the guy that called the radio to say that he’d divorce his wife if he didn’t get a PS3 for Christmas.

I think that saying: “I broke up with him because he only gave me a rose for Valentine’s” is equivalent to saying “I broke up with her because her boobs bounce too much”.

If you only get gifts on your Birthday, Valentine’s Day and Christmas, that is a sucky relationship in my books, you are definitely getting gifts out of obligation girl.

Things that you please shouldn’t do on Facebook

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It seems like Facebook rules our lives these days, and that people forgot their morals and basic social rules to give in to Facebook rules; some real, some imaginary.

It is evident that Facebook brings the exhibitionist side in some people, while others just ask themselves: “why does everyone have to know my business? I am annoyed that Facebook is more important than real life now”.

  • Tell us where you are all day long: Our life goes on no matter if you are @the movies, @Starbucks, @living room or @McDonalds. Ask yourself: “why is this relevant to others?” If the answer is: “it is not”, please don’t post (Unless you are at a super cool place, like a concert, the zoo or the moon).
  • Say that you are hungry, thirsty or tired: I read this and I just think that you must have an uninteresting life if the relevant thing that happened to you today is that you’re hungry; at least if you’re tired I know that you did something. Live a little! Make some plans so you can post them on your status and stop boring people.
  • Have 400 friends: 300 of them are people that you don’t talk to, 50 that you don’t know and might be fake profiles that send viruses to everyone you know. No one knows 400 people, period. Also, when people visit your profile they can see the picture of some of your friends, if one of the pictures that you have is of Katrina, a 16 year old girl from Russia in her underwear (true story) now we know that you not only add people that you don’t know, but you may have an addiction to porn.
  • Post 1000 uninteresting pictures taken with your phone: Pictures of your feet, your food (when this is oatmeal, fried eggs or toast), pictures of your car, etc. Again, this ranks 10000 on the list of things that matter to me. You get double the douchebag points if you have your new car as your profile picture. Disclaimer: pictures of cute babies and pets are allowed.
  • Write love letters: We know that you have a boyfriend, congrats! You managed to find someone that can spend more than 3 hours a week with you! We don’t need (or want) to know that your Baby or Honey (or if you’re just a little bit more original Poochie, Coochie, Teddy Bear, Bunny, etc.) is the greatest person ever and you can’t wait to kiss him because he completes you and is the love of your life. Nor we want to know that this vacation is all you needed to reconnect, and you’re not fighting anymore (true story, this was my ex’s gf). If this is something that you wouldn’t even share on a phone call with your best friend, it is something that the rest of us most likely don’t want to see.

NEWSFLASH: Deleting someone from Facebook is not the worse offense in the world. You should know that if I have never seen you, you won’t be on my list; if I haven’t had contact with you in real life for 6 months, you won’t be on my list; if you have offended me or talked behind my back and I am not interested in talking to you in real life anymore, guess what???

 

People that change is a bigger urban myth than the Loch Ness monster

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First, I want to make this very clear, when I say change I am talking about a complete removal of a negative attitude, behaviour or belief. I do believe that people can improve themselves and slightly modify their character. You can modify only like 5% of your character and that isn’t easy.

Everyone grows up and matures, but to actually make a change you need to follow difficult and time consuming steps:

  1. Actually knowing what is wrong with you: There is some people that no matter how obvious their problems are, no matter how many people hate them and avoid them, how many similarities they have with a fairy tale villain, how much their attitudes differ from basic moral behaviour, how many lives they have damaged…they don’t know that they got a problem. Yes, it is true, the girl that can’t finish a sentence without gossiping, the person that thinks that if it doesn’t damage them it’s OK to do it, and the boss that no one wants to sit next to at meetings, they may not know that they’re batsh@#t crazy.
  2. Accepting that aspect of you that is “wrong” as part of a whole that makes you “YOU”: You’ll never change completely. You can become another person as easily as you can change your ethnicity and height (high heels don’t count), deal with it, you’ll never be Heidi Klum.
  3. Taking small steps to adapt and modify this behaviour in order for you to be happier, or in some occasions only so you can co-exist in society without traumatizing people with behaviours such as showing cleavage as low as Jlo’s at the Grammys, or talking non-stop all day at work about your new diet and showing people your new flat abs.

These steps are not easy, and since most people are stuck on step No. 1 and may think that keeping a secret is so 1990, or that loyalty is for dogs; and because changing is SO HARD and you can only change a little, save yourself some suffering and just accept people as they are or run.

If your friend criticizes your outfit and hair every time you see her or makes you buy clothing that you can’t afford, she won’t change. If your boyfriend thinks that being faithful consists of you not catching him with someone else, he won’t change. If your friend calls you to talk about herself for half and hour and fails to ask the question: “and how are you doing?”, she won’t change.

All the conversations that can be translated as “please change for me” are a complete waste of time, you can discuss one mistake, but does it really sound logic to discuss values, ways of thinking or personalities? NOPE

Music review by Sarcastic Girl: Songs that could have been written by a chimpanzee

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I don’t like music that I could write lyrics and music for in half of the time that takes me to brush my teeth. It offends me as a writer, and it offends me as a listener.

Don’t get me wrong, I like artists that have pretty dumb lyrics, like Nicki Minaj; but they have to give me something! Give me either an amazing voice, amazing style, a rhythm that makes me want to dance all night and above all, lots of creativity. It is not only the lyrics, the music on this pop songs is interchangeable, you can use the exact same one for all the upbeat ones, and another one for the slow ones. Lately, most of the Top 40 songs make my brain cells want to commit suicide by trying to jump from my nostrils

Some examples:

–          “You are the one that I think about all day, my love is your love, your love is mine”: I hope that no one attempts to use this phrase as an attempt to be romantic with me, if they try, I don’t care if he’s the father of my children, I’ll run and I’ll never look back. Rihanna, you already had 2 songs on the radio; you didn’t need another one that will have Barney (the purple one, not the one that wears suits) filing a law suit. to Barbie soundtrack, now her lyrics are not only stupid but written by an obsessive compulsive/stalker point of view; her next hit:“I watch you while you sleep and collect dolls that look like you”

–          “Girl look at that body, I work out”: You can argue that this is a good dance song. They use that card 2 years and 10 songs ago. When you use the exact same beat and music as “Sho sho sho sho sho shots” in 2 albums and use drunken slur for songs, you have a pretty easy job. Just save your money, maybe in a year or two, people will notice that it’s the same song over and over, and over.

–          “Dirty dancing in the moonlight, take me down like I’m a domino”: You say that you don’t want to be like all the pop stars, and  that you don’t want to be like Katy Perry. Well, I consider myself a music expert and SWORE you were Katy Perry when I heard this song, not the good Katy Perry from “Ur so gay”, the one that thinks that shooting stars start in her boobs before they go to the sky. When I heard “Like a Dude” I wanted to see you live, when I heard Domino, I pictured you with a bikini made of cotton candy.