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Relationships with exes, is the status always “it’s complicated”?

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ImageYou are over your ex; or at least you have stopped crying at work every hour; you have started wearing make up and doing your hair again; and maybe you don’t even cry when drinking anymore. So what happens when he messages you or calls you out of nowhere?

It seems like contact with exes always starts on a grey area, and sometimes there is no way out of this zone; and other times you see the light when it’s too late and you are between a bizarro relationship and a hard place.

 

– “The 50 shades of grey-area” ex:

This guy starts slowly, first he just says hi but this quickly evolves to the point of flirting: wait! Did he just told me that I’m hot and he’d like to take me on a tropical vacation?, but then he said that he’s sure I’ll find “someone special” soon. Is he the “someone special”?This guy is harder to read than “The Lord of the Rings” and it’s 25 pages describing the scenery of a single mountain.
Then you see him and you start wondering if it’s a date, just friends or what the hell.

Solution: In this case you should take advantage of the greyness of your situation and make it whatever is convenient for you: you want some attention? You got it!; you just want a friend? You got it!. And never do you ever reject a guy who expresses his interest clearly, for the major of Grey city. This “ex relationship” ends when it stops being convenient.

– “The friend that wants to marry you” ex:

This guy has had several girlfriends after you; but you had a good relationship that ended because of external reasons. Years have passed and now it seems like he only remembers the good stuff and you became “the one who got away”. After each girlfriend, he tells you that he broke up with her because “she is not you”.

Solution: Too little too late dude! Tell him to get over it, unless he gives you a ring or a puppy, and then take him seriously. Specially if the ring is expensive or the puppy is cute. Just kidding! But not kidding about the “engagement puppy” thing, which is what I want.

– The fake-friendship-offer ex:

You know that this guy doesn’t want you back, neither do you! But he is giving you mixed friendship signals. He begs for friendship, but then he doesn’t reply to messages. He texts you a lot for a few weeks, then he gets lost for months. What happened with the good old fake “lets be friends, but I will never make any effort to contact you after this?” You are not that great anyway, I prefer not ever seeing you again, than this on and off friendship thing we have. Your abstract “happy birthday” message once a year is nothing but weird, “no thanks” for the effort.

Solution: Never contact him again, and then pretend he died. He might come from the dead once or twice and then die for good.

– The friend with benefits ex:

He wants you back, but just some parts of you. There is nothing worse than have a commitment with someone, and then months later, just having just the physical part. Is it just me, or is it like saying “you’re hot, but had nothing else to offer”, it just feels, well, offensive. And then, what rules do you assign to this weird arrangement? If you are exclusive, what is the difference between this and a full on relationship?

Solution: This is a bad idea, don’t do it. Instead, put on a slutty dress, go to a bar and get yourself a real friend with benefits.

In conclusion, being civil with an ex is the way to go, but friendships with exes are almost always a bad idea. Unless you are clear on how you want to handle this and you don’t have any romantic feelings at all, just stay away from him. And if you have had a successful close friendship with an ex, I think that you are awesome, your story needs to be told to the world.

In my case, I feel proud of having very nice “we say hi once a month” relationships with exes, we don’t want to kill each other, and that is nice and as far as I want to go.

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The frenemy boyfriend: The Berger from Sex and the City syndrome

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bergerWe are prepared to recognize and reject frenemy women, but what about frenemy boyfriends? If you are a somewhat successful woman, or at least someone who knows what she wants, I am sure that you have dated this guy. Suddenly it seems like every little thing that you succeed at is giving you negative points with him, if he’s a nice guy he seems hurt, and if he’s an ass#$% he tries to put you down.

Berger seemed hurt about Carrie’s book selling and about her getting a big check, even about her being famous! We should have suspected that he wasn’t so sane after he gave his ex-girlfriend a double middle finger. The time when he gets angry because Charlotte doesn’t like carnations is truly disturbing, and then he tops it all up with asking for time off, then saying that he wants to get back together and then sneaking away in the middle of the night.

So everything is going great, he looks really happy for you when you get this really good job; until something goes wrong in his life and when you try to help, he says something like: “You don’t understand because you always have such good luck yourself” or “You always get what you want”, or “things are so easy for you” RED FLAG. Then one day someone makes a comment on how you’re smarter than him and it’s all downhill from there, he starts criticizing you to the point of being mean to you, until one day he breaks up with you on a Post It. And goes on to date a girl whose IQ is slightly higher than the one of the stuffed reindeer she gave him for Christmas, plus her hobby is stalking you to verify that you and him have no contact and posting 40 pictures of them kissing on FB everyday.

Sometimes the guy seems very confident, until you get a promotion and he says that “they had no one else to give this job too” or that “you shouldn’t be getting a bonus when people like Mary have much harder jobs and didn’t get one”.  We shouldn’t put up with this crap.

Or maybe he thinks that you’re too good looking for him, so he proceeds to call you fat, say that you have a big ass and compare you to a whale when you weigh 125 pounds. Somehow that is supposed to make his beer belly and wrinkles disappear on your eyes.

Recently, a friend was commenting on how she thought that being confident and independent was scaring away guys, to which I responded: yes, but it’s the wrong kind of guy anyway. Because I have dated him and I’ve seen my friends date him, he  only feels like a big strong man when next to a girl that is not the brightest crayon in the box, who needs 4 hashtags and 5 emoticons to correctly express herself in one sentence and who wears liquid eyeliner to yoga. You are not her, you don’t want to be her, so let him go and have not so bright baby crayons with her.  Maybe they’ll name their daughter Hashtag and be happily ever after.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPhCvyb5jeQ

All those songs about stalking that are cool right now

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Today I was noticing all the songs about co-dependance and stalking that are on the Top 40 right now. Funny enough, all of them are sung by girls, because if guys sang about abduction and obsession, people would be worried right? But a girl that hides in the bushes in front of his ex’s house and has lots of tapes of “Dexter” in her apartment.

First, Carly Rae keeps on entertaining us, after we got sick of her “Call me Maybe”, and after she got busy with 4 or 5 (fake?) alerts of photos in compromising positions (aka. Naked), she decides to gift us her song “Curiosity”, this is one is like “Call me maybe”, but now she gets the guy and begs him to NEVER let her go, maybe if you stop singing Carly, maybe then. Honestly, is this supposed to be romantic? I guess that marrying a guy that has you on lockdown is a dream come true now. Is having to ask for permission to go to the mall, the new fairytale?

Then, there is the other side of the story, this girl who is a kidnapper apparently, she has this guy on handcuffs so he can’t leave her, in this case. Then again, she is starting to sounds like a woman version of Chris Brown, is no one bothered by this?, if her next song contains the words “Duck Tape” and “chloroform “, then we should definitely start to get worried.

Actually, this last song is pretty cool, (asides from the co-dependance and kidnapping as a pick up technique), but I couldn’t Google this girls name because there is like 60 songs with this name! Some of them are very old and one of them is about Jesus…

 PS: I find Kristin Steward cheating very amusing, the perfect ending to the co-dependant stalkerish relationship between Edward and Bella. There was no other way (sigh)  Image

Why I hater=d the “Tick Tock” episode of How I met Your Mother

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Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t understand how a normal adult can repeatedly do things without thinking, one mistake, that is normal, but a disconnecting your brain for a couple of days? I wish I could disconnect some parts of it sometimes, so if someone knows how to do this, I’m interested in learning, I’ll pay well. I also don’t understand how a person doesn’t know himself/herself enough to know who they really like or really love.

So apparently you can kiss an ex-boyfriend on a cab by accident, and then instead of using the brain cells that God gave you and run away ASAP to avoid doing something even more stupid, you can proceed to sleep with that ex-boyfriend as an “accident”, you fell on top of him, yeah right!.

If this wasn’t stupid enough, so you can continue the chain of stupid events and so you can hurt more people, the girl proceeds to give false hopes to the ex, and they agree to break up with their current significant others. Because this wasn’t enough, she decides that she WON’T break up, or tell the truth, but she’ll keep seeing the current boyfriend. Screw the ex that just faced his mistakes to be with you! You can continue changing your mind everyday and act according to whatever is convenient to you at that moment, if someone is crying because of you, who cares?

This episode supports the stupid idea that some people seem to have: that people are like objects. You can love all your shoes equally right? So why can’t you love 2 people?. Having to choose between two people is as illogical as saying that you have 2 heads, you can like 2 people, but have profound feelings for both to the point of confusion? . Chemistry is such a unique thing that the possibility of having the same “amount” of chemistry in the same Top 5 of aspects that are important to you, with 2 people is as likely as being struck by lightning 3 times in a week.

People are not an exchangeable commodity, you can’t substitute one with another one 2 days later, you can’t “choose” one person one day, and then have your feelings change the other; you can’t treat someone as a the love of your life  and then change your mind a week later.

It may happen that you’re lying to yourself and never had such deep feelings for the 1st person, or maybe you don’t have those feelings for the 2nd one, or maybe, just maybe, you’re just a serial monogamist that is in love with the idea of love and not the actual person. There is also people who have a real conflict between following their head or their heart. Whatever reason, you should know what YOU want, after all it’s YOUR head and YOUR heart. And all those sudden changes, will only hurt you in the end, because you’re messing with your own feelings; and  that person that you let go, already thinks that you are crazy and is happy that he/she dodged a bullet.

 

The most common myths about Latin-American people solved!

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On my two year anniversary in Canada, I thought that it would be nice to remember the innocent/offensive(and/or)/stupid comments I’ve lived/heard about latin culture.

  1. Every music in Spanish that’s upbeat and you can dance to is salsa/we all like to dance salsa: False. There is other types of music in Spanish, because there are MANY countries in Latin-America, with different types of music. I welcome you to Google: merengue, bachata, reggaeton, corrido, ranchera (on second thought, DO NOT Google corrido, trust me…)
  2. Every Latin person is Mexican: False. Yes, Mexico is closer to North America, but there are some means of transportation that fly in the sky (they’re called planes) that allow people to travel from other countries too. And yes, Mexico is big, so a lot of people live there, but please grab a map a see how many other countries there are.
  3. When we say “lets go out dancing” it means that we are going to dance salsa: False. Not all of us like to dance salsa; it’s more common for older people to like salsa.
  4. When we are happy we break into a salsa dance: False. Our lives are not a Latin version of Glee. See point above (not all of us like salsa). Also, if you think that salsa is only the natural tomato sauce used for Latin food: False!. Salsa means “sauce”, so ANY sauce is a salsa, but in Spanish WE DO have different names for different sauces, we are smart like that.
  5. Everything that we eat is spicy. False. There are other spices in Latin America. Exception: Mexicans. But please remember #2, we are not all Mexican.
  6. All of our clubs and parties look like a scene from Dirty Dancing, and everyone moves in coordinated steps. False. Not going to happen either, we don’t meet in clubs 2 hours before everyone else gets there to rehearse and make sure that we all move at the same rhythm and same steps. Everyone wants to dance the way they want to and with the steps that they want, we don’t look at other couples, and surprise! Sometimes we dance alone or in groups.
  7. It’s funny when you repeat words in Spanish again and again, like “hola, como estas? And “adios”. It is actually very annoying if you talk to us the same way a 2 year old would, it is not a talent to know 5 words of any language and it’s not a good conversation starter, you are not smart for learning vocabulary from “Dora the explorer”. And please, never think that it’s sexy and funny when you say “caliente” to mean “sexy”, it’s very very creepy, you wouldn’t call a lady “hot mama” would you? And if you would, you are not getting women, period.
  8. If you take a token Latino to a dance club, you’ll look cooler and at the end of the night you’ll be able to dance. False. We are not dance instructors, we take other subjects in high school and *shock alert* some of us even study real careers like social worker, doctor or engineer. You don’t go to jail in Latin America if you are not a good dancer, and you are actually able to live a normal life…most of the time. But this one is relative, if in Latin America you’re a 6 (From 1-10) in North America you are a 9.5.

And I quote this conversation, it happened to my dear friend who lives in California:

-Where are you from

-El Salvador

-Where is that?

-Central America

– (person started naming the states in the middle of the USA)

Being full of yourself is the new black

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It seems like really high self esteem, being full of yourself, having a big head, etc. is very popular right now. Yesterday I was reading “Summer and the City”, the 2nd Sex and the City prequel, when Carrie asks Miranda: “Do you think I have a big head? If I do, I don’t care, I’ve accomplished more than most people will on their lifetime” (…it was something like that, maybe I shouldn’t quote).

and this is how conversations end...

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about thinking that other people are less than yourself, and treating them as less (I honestly think that the ones with low self esteem are the ones that do this, and not the other way around), I am talking about being honestly comfortable in your own skin and happy with who you are and who you’ll become. I’m not talking about behaving like the Queen Bee from Mean Girls (hello! low self esteem alert!)

That makes me think  that the world is divided in two types of people, the 1st one that love themselves in a healthy way, is happy when their friends are doing good and surrounds him/herself with people who are the same; and the second one, that feels threatened by confident people and needs friends that are doing “worse” because that makes them feel less worse, if that makes sense.

I am a member of the 1st group, and feel attracted to socialize and have relationships with the 2nd type, my relationship with someone that was errmm… less smart than me, did not go well, I thought that he was so stupid, I loved him anyway, but I think that I treated him according to my subconscious opinion of him. After a number of months, every time I had to explain something to him for the 100th time, I had a flash forward of me married with him and me solving all of our problems, and maybe even supporting our house with my 2 jobs while he stays home scrubbing the floors, because that’s the best he could do for himself *sigh*

If you are a girl who considers herself pretty, smart and interesting, a lot of things will go on your favor, and there is only one disadvantage, that makes a lot of b#@$es hate you. On the contrary, if you believe that you are the worst, you may suck in your life, but you’ll have a lot of friends…your choice.

You can love yourself enough to be happy for your friends’ happiness or have such low self esteem that you have to make others feel bad. And that my friends, is the difference between a healthy person that loves who he/she is and The Situation from Jersey Shore, who will beg everyone to kiss his abs, please stay away from that behavior.

>If you’re not interested, don’t call me gorgeous

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>Why is dating so difficult??? I wanna know. And all the people with success stories tell you that you just have to stop thinking about it and love magically happens.
Guess what? I’ve had love, correction, loves. And my loves have a great opinion of me still, still care about me greatly, and I’ve even heard the phrase “the one who got away” in reference to me, and also the phrase “I’ll always regret losing you”.
OK, says “the great one who got away”, where is my love that lasts a reasonable time?
And why do I seem to be meeting psycho after psycho?
The two latest guys have been crazy polar opposites, the first one was making plans a month in advance after the 1st date, saying that our date was super special, mentioning “love”, and getting angry if I didn’t answer this text messages. OK, that was sweet but psycho, and flattering but made me want to get a restraining order before I had him knocking ad my door at 2 a.m. being wet after walking in the rain (I live in an apartment building, he can’t come knock on the door, phew!).
This other guy was incredible cute, sounded really interesting and when we talked he was smart and funny, too good to be true right? YES. After calling me gorgeous and a couple of adjectives more and begging me to add him to Facebook, he just dissapeared. Currently, I don’t know where he is, he may be in the land of bipolar men where he has been made king, good for him.
I understand that only gold coins, and not people are liked by everyone (OK, spanish saying that might or might not translate right), but if you’re not interested, it’s easy $#%$#%^ stay away! Most of us girls are not stalkers and WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU (and I don’t responsabilize myself for the ones that are) and we’ll not cry after you if we met you yesterday and you don’t call us anymore, you don’t have to pretend to like us and propose one day to stop calling the other, we know you didn’t die and that the truth is that you’re crazy.
This is me, venting.

>About being one step away from being send to get coffee

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>I’ve been in Canada for a year and 2 months now, and I’m grateful for all the things I’ve accomplished.
I know is great that I got really good grades without having studied in English before, and that I got a job 2 months after graduating, and my job is in my area of expertise!
Yes, that is all really good and it sounds perfect, but when did I go to bed and wake up the next day to go to work and be a 26 year old INTERN?
Since when the more demanding task I have is taking pictures fo products and cropping them?
I don’t mind the occasional stupid task, helping other people or receiving orders, but there are some moments at my work when I want to run out of the office, throw the laptop in the trash, grab some of the free food they give me there and get away.
I hate that everyone thinks they’re my boss and patronize me, come one! I’ve been working for a couple of years now I know that I need to check my work, I know that I need to bring all my equipment and charge my laptop before and I know that tasks should be done carefully.
Last week I was scanning products for planograms and creating 500 products from scratch (measuring them, writing it all down, placing them in shelves) all day long, mostly while standing up. Did I mention this was in a supermarket store that hadn’t open yet, that was dirtier than a construction site and some of the guys working there smelled like they had worked in construction for 5 days, without showering, rolling in dirt, etc.
Sometimes this is too much for me and I think about just marrying a girl and applying as her lesbian wife for permanent residence.

>Bipolarity as a lifestyle or the famous 180

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>Wikipedia says: Bipolar disorder or manic-depressive disorder, which is also referred to as bipolar affective disorder or manic depression, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes.

My own concept of bipolar desorder or bipolarity is a person that seems nice, you can even talk to him/her and hang out for a little bit and create an opinion about them being normal and nice human beings, until (wait for it!) the craziness surfaces in a way both dramatic and shocking that leaves you wondering for weeks if it was your imagination, (did you imagine the before or the after?).

Both woman and man seem to be embracing bipolarity as a lifestyle and get so into it that after the bad side appears and they behave “normally” again, they act like nothing happened and even ask you why you’re acting so weird towards them (hhmm disrespecting me in the worst way a week ago might be the reason don’t you think)

I will refer to two specific bipolarity episodes that happened recently, one to me and one to a close friend:

– “The girl that helped and rescue me to then insult me and make a list of all the things that are “wrong” with me”: She helped me when I needed it, she invited me to her house, she was really nice. Until BAM! he screamed at me in public and then said I was crazy for feeling bad about it and BAM! she said various insults (one of them including the word “abortion”, said I was insecure for not laughing about nasty comments in public and made a list of all the things I needed to improve, to finally act surprised when I deleted her from friends lists. Talk about Jenkyll and Mrs. Psycho.

– “The guy that said he was having a great time in 3 dates with my friend to then procede to break up dramatically, 3 times in a row through different social media or chat sites”: He said he had a great time with herr, she went on a short vacation, on her way back she receives and essay listing the problems not only in his life, but in his friends’ lives and a list of modified break-up lines like: “I want to make sure you know it has nothing to do with you, I have a lot of problems right now (it’s not you, it’s me)”, “You’re rad, you’re a great girl, I want you to know that I still want to hang out (we can still be friends)”.

After this 2 really good examples, I wonder: Are they really doing this things without noticing? Are they in denial? Is it really that they think that they’re OK and the rest of the world is crazy?