Category Archives: sarcasm

Text break ups are underrated

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Not the best example

Not the best example

Breaking up sucks most of the time, even when you agree that it’s the right thing to do, rejection always stinks more than the bathroom at a cheap pub. Now there is so many options for breaking up: starting with the text and finishing with the ceremonial break up dinner.
I am a great supporter of the short and sweet text break ups because I don’t want a whole event made out of me getting rejected. What are we going to do next? A break up party? where you break up in public and after that you take questions from the audience?
Typical, you hear someone saying “at least you deserve that he/she breaks up with you in person”; to me, that sounds like “at least you deserve that your death is painful and slow”.
Lets look at how a regular breakup would go, vs. a text breakup:

REGULAR BREAKUP:

Breaker: (over the phone) We need to talk about our relationship
Breakee: (freaks out) hmmm ok, when?
Breaker: tomorrow
Breakee: ok (can’t sleep and has a horrible night)
The next day…
Breaker: It’s not you, it’s me. I have no time for relationships right now, I need to find myself
Or…
Honest breaker: I’ve met someone hotter, I’ve met someone with more money, you’re too dumb, your boobs are too small
Breakee: whyyy? Oohh why???
Breaker: I am sorry, don’t cry!
Breakee: (cries and then goes home humiliated, to cry some more and watch something like Bridget Jones or The Holiday)
THE END

TEXT BREAK UP

Breaker: I don’t want to see you again
Breakee: OK

See? Short and sweet, no humiliation needed. In case there is still doubt, I’ll list the benefits of a text break up:
– If you cry no one sees you/ If someone is crying for you, you’ll never know
– You can be honest (or pretend) that you also wanted to break up/ you can pretend that you believe them
– You have time to think about questions that you want to ask/ you have time to think about your answers
– If you REALLY want to follow up and ask for an explanation, you can arrange to do that later (who wants a further explanation on why this person doesn’t want you?)
– You don’t have to sit through the most awkward meal ever, or pack your food to go mid-bite so you can go home and cry.
– People don’t have to watch you break-up/ that can actually be fun for the other people that are watching.

Conclusion: text break ups are the way to go, please don’t do the “Break up post it” a la Berger from Sex and the City, that is just tacky.

What are your Break Up tips? Or funny experiences that you’d like to share?

berger

Romantic or Psycho: a tutorial for dummies

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stalker

You’d think that this is common sense, but apparently for some men, it is hard to figure out: When do you stop being cute and romantic and start being a stalker?
Once I heard that if a guy that you like acts insistent, it’s romantic; but when you don’t like the guy it’s stalkerish, and I agree to an extent. But what happens when a guy you like makes you fly away faster than an angry bird?

Here is a tutorial that will show guys the difference, the line is not so thin guys!:

– Begging to get someone back after screwing up: romantic
– Begging to get someone back 3 times a day, while using different “ routines” and one day acting all sad and the next one putting yourself down to reverse psychology the crap out of the poor lady: psycho

– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ”: romantic
– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ” after she broke up with you a month ago and you haven’t talked, and she has an App on her phone to block you: psycho

– Adding your girlfriend to Linked In and following her on Twitter: romantic
– Stalking your ex on Linked In after she has blocked your from any other social media tool, trying to conclude if she is dating someone from her posts and texting her to say that you’re glad she didn’t delete you: Psycho

– Showing up at your girlfriend’s place with flowers: romantic
– Showing up at your ex-girlfriend’s place with flowers after she has a restraining order against you and takes the back stairs after her classes in order to avoid you: psycho

These are only a few examples, but the general rule is that if someone is yelling at you or running the other direction when they see you, it may be safe to conclude that you are not, I repeat, you are not in a happy relationship with them anymore. Please don’t make us yell “stranger danger” or call the police when we see you.
It might be hard to figure out for some people but changing your attitude three times a day is a “no no”, so if you’re yelling at noon and crying at night, you should start seeing someone often, and that someone is a therapist.

Tired of being Ted (Of How I met your mother)

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Have you ever seen I met your mother? It is a cute show that can be sometimes funny, but mostly just entertaining, I love this show and I think I know why, I AM TED.

Surrounded by super stable relationships that have lasted many years, friends who sleep around and serial daters, Ted is the guy who only dates special people, so he remains single most of the time and then has a few very meaningful relationships that end because of dramatic and profound reasons that make a good sitcom storyline, that’s me, Ted. Nice to meet you!

A#$%les don’t last long in my life (one date at most actually) and none of my exes are (a@#$@les, that is), all of them are great guys with whom I remain friends with, yes, real friends, not “I think we would be better as friends, but then I’ll never talk to you again because this is just something I say to people to make the break-up less hurtful”, I am pretty sure that I’ll be friends with this last guy too, great friends actually.

Me and my exes give each other life advice, professional advice, joke around and even give support through break ups, yes, believe it or not.

Sure, I do have great memories of exes that make me happy and sad (at the same time) during times of loneliness and I have no stories that will help me participate on “Bad Boyfriend Poker” and earn prizes on the radio (You’ll get this if you’re from Toronto and drive to work in the morning), but this is starting to feel like I’m at the Olympics, I am competing rarely and always come in second place. Come on! Everyone knows that losing is easier if you see that you didn’t have a chance,

 I am  the silver medal of “Happily ever after”.  I’m constantly “almost there”, really close to successful relationship territory, I am in “We have 90% of the things that we need to spend the rest of our life together and be super happy” territory, I am the queen of that region actually, and I’m a great ruler, come visit soon!

But if Ted and I have something in common, is that we are dreamers, this makes us always fight to make it work, but also helps us to keep the faith 🙂 there has to be someone out there who is looking for another Ted!

I just met you, and dating is crazy, so I won’t give my number, call me NEVER

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Dating S.U.C.K.S, honestly. You stress about what to wear, what to say, how to act, how much info to reveal, then you blink and it’s over, and you just had 10 mins of fun.

For me, it’s always a situation on which the reasons to break up are “mild”, nothing too dramatic, the most common scenario for me so far would be when the guy is nice but lacking a little bit of emocional intelligence (the maturity of a 5 year old watching Teletubbies).

To prove that dating sucks and we should all remain celibate or bring back arranged marriages, I’ll give you some percentages and facts that come from totally reliable sources:

-Dating is like making a very bad investment with high risk, where you put all your money and have a chance of 0.000000001% of getting it back, and you don’t even know how much of it you’ll get back! maybe you’re making all this effort for a dollar. And the 99.9999% chance of things sucking presents different posible endings, that of course stink like a bag of uncooked shrimp left in the sun for 2 days; like getting cheated on, things endind abruptly when you thought they were going well and they said that they loved you an hour before, someone breaking up with you right after sleeping with you, him breaking up with you by showing you a hickey from another girl,  you breaking up with him when you find texts from a girl showing her boobies or someone breaking up with you stating stupid reasons when you know that it’s sooooo their lost because they’re fat, ugly and broke. (all true stories that happened to people I know).

– You end up in dates that seem like a bad episode of a sitcom, or even worse, a reality show. You can meet one of those guys with anger issues that throw bottles at the waitress when they don’t get the ketchup fast; or the guy that burns himself with cigarrettes because the girl he likes doesn’t want to be with him (for this and more examples, watch The Real World Saint Thomas). You could meet a guy that acts like he’s on a date with his car and not you, or the guy who thinks vegetarianism is a myth, or the guy that hates mushrooms and people who eat them (please check my previous post, The Mushroom Guy)

– Even if it goes well, you honestly have a good time 20% of the time,and that is being generous the other 80% you’re just busy overthinking small details and things that he said and how he said them, and struggling about being tolerant about his lack of punctuality, never offering to wash dishes; or bigger problems like him being drunk all the time or forgeting to put some of  that dust covered Old Spice deodorant that he keeps in the back of the bathroom cabinet.

– How the f@#$#@ are you supposed to make plans that make 2 different people happy, at the same time? That is how you end in car shows falling asleep on top of the Ferrari because you’re so bored. Hell, how are you even supposed to hold a conversation when so many comments could make things go wrong, everytime you open your mouth the posibility of saying the wrong thing is 99.9%.

I’m thinking of putting together a “First Date Questionnaire”, it won’t really have the usual questions like: where do you see yourself in 20 years? but things that are more important that we never ask, such as:

– What is your view of a great relationship:

a. Dating 3 or 4 girls at the same time, since I get different things from each one of them

b. I just want to get married and get it over with, and have 15 kids

c. I want to be prince Charming to my Cinderella with little birds chirping and squirrels talking to us about how great our love is

d. I have a normal view, having fun and respecting each other

this.is.me.venting

The naked man from How I met your mother, happened in real life

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If you have now idea what this is, on an episode of How I met your mother, a guy talks about this move, “the naked man” that consists of just waiting for a girl, naked, 2 out of 3 times she’ll sleep with you (source: HIMY trusted statistics). This is Barney commenting about THE move: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB_6tVjvJw8. Well, the guys try this move on that episode.

I know that some guys want to feel like they live in a movie or a TV show, maybe you can get some ideas that you can apply on real life, well, one guy thought that it was a good idea to prove the vailidity of “The Naked Man”.

This happened to a friend, a very nice and innocent friend who trusts everyone. A friend of her friend, a guy that she has many years of knowing, but never was close friends with, lets call him Dummy, said that he was too far from home, and needed a place to stay. Her, as then nice innocent person she is(and since she introduced him to his current girlfriend), offered him a place to stay; he proceded to pull the “naked man” move and tell her to “come here”. I believe that the events that followed were interpreted in radically different ways by both of them, it went something like this:

EVENT: She offered him a place to stay

HE THOUGHT: Finally! I’m sleeping with her, I knew that she wanted me

SHE THOUGHT: I’ll just offer him a place to stay, does my hair look frizzy todat? hmmm

EVENT: She went to the bathroom

HE THOUGHT: This is the moment I was waiting for! I’ll take my clothes off and I’ll wait for her on a very sexy pose that shows my abs, I am the greatest when it comes to seduction tecniques!

SHE THOUGHT: I’ll put on my granny pj’s, the ones with the dinosaours, oh! I’ll brush my teeth and put on the face mask that I bought and I haven’t tried yet

EVENT: She comes out of the bathroom in granny pj’s

HE THOUGHT: She’s just playing hard to get! I’ll have to say something clever (and he said: “come here baby”), cleverest phrase ever!

SHE THOUGHT:WTF, I want to puke. I want to kill him, and puke, what do I do first?

After all these events, after she convinced him to put his clothes back on, he proceded to ask is she was angry, when she said “no”, he thought it was a good idea to ask her again if she would sleep with him. This guy has game!

The naked man didn’t work this time, I guess this is 1 out of 3 times…

I wonder where this guy gets other ideas to apply to his life, maybe he takes grooming and fashion advice from Jersey Shore, and in the future, marriage tips from the Kardashians and parenting advice from Toddlers and Tiaras…

Celebrity naked pictures and my celebrity life of addiction to nasal spray for the flu

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It seems like every 3 days there is news about celebrity naked pictures online (ok, I am subscribed to girly websites like Jezebel), my curse is that I’m a very curious person, so when I heard that there were Snookie pictures, for example, I looked for them (I didn’t find them and I gave up fast, maybe that is the best outcome in order to avoid permanent mental scars); also, when I heard about Chris Brown, I also looked for them, in this case I did find them and I have to say that I’ll never be able to see a man the same way :(, but it’s all my fault.

I wake up today during my last days of “holiday” and laziness to find news about Carly Rae Japsen, noooooooo, she’s Justin Bieber’s pal, she is the “Call me Maybe” girl, and now there’s even more jokes about this song than there were before, that sound something like “I just met you, and this is crazy, but here are my boobs, on the webcam”. I will not look for this pictures as I feel that this will affect my ability of making fun of her for looking and sounding so immature, the jokes will never be the same, and my jokes are more valuable than preserving my brain cells from scarring.

The funny thing is that yesterday I had a celebrity moment, a moment during which it felt so nice to be unknown,a moment that if I were famous, they would be on Star Magazine with a picture of me chewing a burger with mayo in my chin: I had the flu a month ago, after that I started using Otrivin (nasal spray that’s over the counter) instead of filling my prescription for Nasonex, I thought that it would be better for me since you can buy it without a prescription, WRONG!. I thought something was wrong with me and that I needed some type of antibiotic since I couldn’t breathe without the Otrivin, just to go to see a doctor yesterday so he could tell me that my nose was ADDICTED to Otrivin lol, so it couldn’t breathe without it, that I was looking at a rough couple of nights having difficult to breathe, but I should quit Otrivin cold turkey and watch for withdrawal signs.

FUNNIEST.VISIT.TO.THE.DOCTOR.EVER…

How drunk do you have to be to ask a stranger out on Linked In?, and other repressed frustrations

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If you are afraid of asking someone out, if you think that they might reject you, YOU MAY BE RIGHT! If someone has never given you the time of day or looked at you, and if the girl is even mean to you, most likely she will reject you, and you should avoid that if you’re smart.Image

If you are a normal guy, you’ll try to interact in a light way in person, electronically, etc etc, to see what her reaction towards you is; if she ignores you or looks at you like you’re something that the cat dragged in, why would you go ahead and ask her out?

Yesterday a guy that I don’t know asked me out on Linked In, I added him because he worked on the same place where I work, but his picture was taken from really far away, he could have been anyone, well, anyone that’s ugly, even from far away, he looked ugly.

This event made me mad, if he is so afraid of asking me out in person, why would he ask me out in the first place? I choose to ignore him, because what would I say? Even if he was attractive physically, I don’t know who he is! And this attempt to ask me out seems like he knows that his chances are slim and didn’t want to risk a rejection, so the most effort he’d do was a message on a business networking site. I guess this is like buying a raffle ticket with other 200 people, you never expect that you’ll win. Not that I am such an amazing prize, but this guy seems very pathetic, and having balls is a must on my list.

Anonymous guy, thanks, your actions are exactly designed to cause a very uncomfortable situation in the hallway, if I knew who he was lol, I guess it will be uncomfortable for him. I just wish with all my heart that this is the end of it.

Congrats man, you for sure know how to make a first good impression, now I know that you were stalking my desk to write down the exact spelling of my last name, then you stalked me on Linked in, but you are such a good decision maker than you thought that all of that was better than just trying to start a conversation with me.

Nothing says I love you like a necklace that costs more than his pay check…

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…or at least that’s what every ad on the radio, TV and magazine says. Guess you have to break up if the guy gives you a spa certificate, or clothing or a bag (unless it’s Michael Kors of course).

Valentine’s Day is everywhere, and the advertisers are smart! They make you think that planned gifts out of obligation are “in” and you are lame if you don’t get them;  apparently I’m the exception for not getting excited about someone getting me a gift because he has to. It is not because I’m single; I have never celebrated it with guys I’ve dated. Last year I said that I didn’t celebrate it and the guy surprised me with flowers, they were pretty, but I kept on hating this “holiday”.

Why do I hate it, you say? Because I love surprises and gifts that don’t say “I spent a lot of money in you because I feel like I have too because you and society pressured me”, I like gifts and actions that say “I thought of you and did this cute thing for you”. The nicest gifts I’ve gotten have been a homemade “feel better soon” card, a pencil drawn rose with lots of details. And the actions that I remember the most were calling right away when something happened and made me cry, buying me medicine and taking it to my place when I’m sick, etc. You get the point: I DON’T WANT A GIFT OUT OF OBLIGATION.

I am going to defend men in this instance: so now it is socially acceptable to say that you are with a guy for his money, but is not acceptable that a guy is with you because you have an amazing body, hmmm…would it be OK if a guy tells you that you have to exercise your abs more, or put on full make up with fake eyelashes so he keeps on dating you? No; so then why is it acceptable to say that not buying you something expensive, or exactly what you wanted is a deal breaker? And they have to buy you a gift on a made up holiday that smart marketers have sold you. Of course that there is some exceptions, like the guy that called the radio to say that he’d divorce his wife if he didn’t get a PS3 for Christmas.

I think that saying: “I broke up with him because he only gave me a rose for Valentine’s” is equivalent to saying “I broke up with her because her boobs bounce too much”.

If you only get gifts on your Birthday, Valentine’s Day and Christmas, that is a sucky relationship in my books, you are definitely getting gifts out of obligation girl.

People that change is a bigger urban myth than the Loch Ness monster

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First, I want to make this very clear, when I say change I am talking about a complete removal of a negative attitude, behaviour or belief. I do believe that people can improve themselves and slightly modify their character. You can modify only like 5% of your character and that isn’t easy.

Everyone grows up and matures, but to actually make a change you need to follow difficult and time consuming steps:

  1. Actually knowing what is wrong with you: There is some people that no matter how obvious their problems are, no matter how many people hate them and avoid them, how many similarities they have with a fairy tale villain, how much their attitudes differ from basic moral behaviour, how many lives they have damaged…they don’t know that they got a problem. Yes, it is true, the girl that can’t finish a sentence without gossiping, the person that thinks that if it doesn’t damage them it’s OK to do it, and the boss that no one wants to sit next to at meetings, they may not know that they’re batsh@#t crazy.
  2. Accepting that aspect of you that is “wrong” as part of a whole that makes you “YOU”: You’ll never change completely. You can become another person as easily as you can change your ethnicity and height (high heels don’t count), deal with it, you’ll never be Heidi Klum.
  3. Taking small steps to adapt and modify this behaviour in order for you to be happier, or in some occasions only so you can co-exist in society without traumatizing people with behaviours such as showing cleavage as low as Jlo’s at the Grammys, or talking non-stop all day at work about your new diet and showing people your new flat abs.

These steps are not easy, and since most people are stuck on step No. 1 and may think that keeping a secret is so 1990, or that loyalty is for dogs; and because changing is SO HARD and you can only change a little, save yourself some suffering and just accept people as they are or run.

If your friend criticizes your outfit and hair every time you see her or makes you buy clothing that you can’t afford, she won’t change. If your boyfriend thinks that being faithful consists of you not catching him with someone else, he won’t change. If your friend calls you to talk about herself for half and hour and fails to ask the question: “and how are you doing?”, she won’t change.

All the conversations that can be translated as “please change for me” are a complete waste of time, you can discuss one mistake, but does it really sound logic to discuss values, ways of thinking or personalities? NOPE

Music review by Sarcastic Girl: Songs that could have been written by a chimpanzee

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I don’t like music that I could write lyrics and music for in half of the time that takes me to brush my teeth. It offends me as a writer, and it offends me as a listener.

Don’t get me wrong, I like artists that have pretty dumb lyrics, like Nicki Minaj; but they have to give me something! Give me either an amazing voice, amazing style, a rhythm that makes me want to dance all night and above all, lots of creativity. It is not only the lyrics, the music on this pop songs is interchangeable, you can use the exact same one for all the upbeat ones, and another one for the slow ones. Lately, most of the Top 40 songs make my brain cells want to commit suicide by trying to jump from my nostrils

Some examples:

–          “You are the one that I think about all day, my love is your love, your love is mine”: I hope that no one attempts to use this phrase as an attempt to be romantic with me, if they try, I don’t care if he’s the father of my children, I’ll run and I’ll never look back. Rihanna, you already had 2 songs on the radio; you didn’t need another one that will have Barney (the purple one, not the one that wears suits) filing a law suit. to Barbie soundtrack, now her lyrics are not only stupid but written by an obsessive compulsive/stalker point of view; her next hit:“I watch you while you sleep and collect dolls that look like you”

–          “Girl look at that body, I work out”: You can argue that this is a good dance song. They use that card 2 years and 10 songs ago. When you use the exact same beat and music as “Sho sho sho sho sho shots” in 2 albums and use drunken slur for songs, you have a pretty easy job. Just save your money, maybe in a year or two, people will notice that it’s the same song over and over, and over.

–          “Dirty dancing in the moonlight, take me down like I’m a domino”: You say that you don’t want to be like all the pop stars, and  that you don’t want to be like Katy Perry. Well, I consider myself a music expert and SWORE you were Katy Perry when I heard this song, not the good Katy Perry from “Ur so gay”, the one that thinks that shooting stars start in her boobs before they go to the sky. When I heard “Like a Dude” I wanted to see you live, when I heard Domino, I pictured you with a bikini made of cotton candy.