Category Archives: negative

Romantic or Psycho: a tutorial for dummies

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stalker

You’d think that this is common sense, but apparently for some men, it is hard to figure out: When do you stop being cute and romantic and start being a stalker?
Once I heard that if a guy that you like acts insistent, it’s romantic; but when you don’t like the guy it’s stalkerish, and I agree to an extent. But what happens when a guy you like makes you fly away faster than an angry bird?

Here is a tutorial that will show guys the difference, the line is not so thin guys!:

– Begging to get someone back after screwing up: romantic
– Begging to get someone back 3 times a day, while using different “ routines” and one day acting all sad and the next one putting yourself down to reverse psychology the crap out of the poor lady: psycho

– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ”: romantic
– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ” after she broke up with you a month ago and you haven’t talked, and she has an App on her phone to block you: psycho

– Adding your girlfriend to Linked In and following her on Twitter: romantic
– Stalking your ex on Linked In after she has blocked your from any other social media tool, trying to conclude if she is dating someone from her posts and texting her to say that you’re glad she didn’t delete you: Psycho

– Showing up at your girlfriend’s place with flowers: romantic
– Showing up at your ex-girlfriend’s place with flowers after she has a restraining order against you and takes the back stairs after her classes in order to avoid you: psycho

These are only a few examples, but the general rule is that if someone is yelling at you or running the other direction when they see you, it may be safe to conclude that you are not, I repeat, you are not in a happy relationship with them anymore. Please don’t make us yell “stranger danger” or call the police when we see you.
It might be hard to figure out for some people but changing your attitude three times a day is a “no no”, so if you’re yelling at noon and crying at night, you should start seeing someone often, and that someone is a therapist.

WORST THINGS TO SAY TO SOMEONE THAT IS SINGLE /BEST RESPONSES TO SHUT SOMEONE UP WHEN YOU’RE SINGLE

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old maidWhy are you still single?
I used to lock my boyfriends in a basement; one of them escaped and told others, no one wants to date me now.

Wow! You’re biological clock must be ticking now.
No, what is ticking is a bomb that’s on my purse, I’d run if I were you

Your great aunt Whatever is old and alone, never got married and she had the saddest life, be careful!
Good point! I’ll just go smoke and drink alone to make sure I don’t get to that age

Who keeps you company on a lonely afternoon?
My imaginary friend Mary, she comes over and we have tea, she’s sitting right next to you right now!

I don’t see why you’re single when you’re so pretty.
Maybe not shaving my armpits and not wearing deodorant has something to do with it.

When are you planning on getting married?
If you get me a husband for my birthday, I’ll get married that day. Please order with time to spare in order to plan a big wedding.

And then the last one, from Sex and the City:

Charlotte: You have to take risks so you don’t wind up an old maid.
Carrie: Oh! That’s right. Must not wind up old maid. How will l remember that? Does anybody have a pen?

Who has it all figured out? No one

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I dated a guy last year who was 30, I always have perfect timing: I dated him when he didn’t know what he heck he wanted to do with his life. He  had broken up recently with a live in girlfriend and that was a big mess, and he was debating between alternatives such as moving to the country to open a cigar store, working Downtown at a small consultants firm or working at the most evil corporation in the world. Silly me, I thought that he would figure it all out soon and it would all be OK, the reality was, it just got worse and things ended.

The thing is, when I heard that someone was debating between working with Green Peace to save the whales or selling everything and go live under a rock in a glacier in Newfoundland Canada, I judged them, a LOT. I didn’t understand how you can be 30 and not know what you’re doing, we are adults and we should know what we want, right? WRONG

It is so easy to judge until this happens to you, it seems like when I look around everyone I know is questioning who they are, and more importantly, what they believe; or they are swimming deep in the sea of denial 😛 (I don’t know what to do with these swimmers, do we throw them a floating device? or let them swim happily?)

What happens if you change a major belief in your life? Are you suddenly a different person? A bad person? What if you start liking a different type of guy? Or the same sex? Or casual relationships? Or quit your job to open a cupcake store? What if you change your religion from Baptist to Scientology?

When you are almost 30 is the time where you wonder what the heck you’re doing with your life, in general. At least I think I got it figured out when it comes to work/occupation, so that is a little bit less stress. But currently I am questioning everything else, I am questioning beliefs and I am regretting the time I’ve wasted being strict when I should have been living.

The truth is, the karma for judging others is that you are judging yourself just as severely.

I just met you, and dating is crazy, so I won’t give my number, call me NEVER

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Dating S.U.C.K.S, honestly. You stress about what to wear, what to say, how to act, how much info to reveal, then you blink and it’s over, and you just had 10 mins of fun.

For me, it’s always a situation on which the reasons to break up are “mild”, nothing too dramatic, the most common scenario for me so far would be when the guy is nice but lacking a little bit of emocional intelligence (the maturity of a 5 year old watching Teletubbies).

To prove that dating sucks and we should all remain celibate or bring back arranged marriages, I’ll give you some percentages and facts that come from totally reliable sources:

-Dating is like making a very bad investment with high risk, where you put all your money and have a chance of 0.000000001% of getting it back, and you don’t even know how much of it you’ll get back! maybe you’re making all this effort for a dollar. And the 99.9999% chance of things sucking presents different posible endings, that of course stink like a bag of uncooked shrimp left in the sun for 2 days; like getting cheated on, things endind abruptly when you thought they were going well and they said that they loved you an hour before, someone breaking up with you right after sleeping with you, him breaking up with you by showing you a hickey from another girl,  you breaking up with him when you find texts from a girl showing her boobies or someone breaking up with you stating stupid reasons when you know that it’s sooooo their lost because they’re fat, ugly and broke. (all true stories that happened to people I know).

– You end up in dates that seem like a bad episode of a sitcom, or even worse, a reality show. You can meet one of those guys with anger issues that throw bottles at the waitress when they don’t get the ketchup fast; or the guy that burns himself with cigarrettes because the girl he likes doesn’t want to be with him (for this and more examples, watch The Real World Saint Thomas). You could meet a guy that acts like he’s on a date with his car and not you, or the guy who thinks vegetarianism is a myth, or the guy that hates mushrooms and people who eat them (please check my previous post, The Mushroom Guy)

– Even if it goes well, you honestly have a good time 20% of the time,and that is being generous the other 80% you’re just busy overthinking small details and things that he said and how he said them, and struggling about being tolerant about his lack of punctuality, never offering to wash dishes; or bigger problems like him being drunk all the time or forgeting to put some of  that dust covered Old Spice deodorant that he keeps in the back of the bathroom cabinet.

– How the f@#$#@ are you supposed to make plans that make 2 different people happy, at the same time? That is how you end in car shows falling asleep on top of the Ferrari because you’re so bored. Hell, how are you even supposed to hold a conversation when so many comments could make things go wrong, everytime you open your mouth the posibility of saying the wrong thing is 99.9%.

I’m thinking of putting together a “First Date Questionnaire”, it won’t really have the usual questions like: where do you see yourself in 20 years? but things that are more important that we never ask, such as:

– What is your view of a great relationship:

a. Dating 3 or 4 girls at the same time, since I get different things from each one of them

b. I just want to get married and get it over with, and have 15 kids

c. I want to be prince Charming to my Cinderella with little birds chirping and squirrels talking to us about how great our love is

d. I have a normal view, having fun and respecting each other

this.is.me.venting

How drunk do you have to be to ask a stranger out on Linked In?, and other repressed frustrations

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If you are afraid of asking someone out, if you think that they might reject you, YOU MAY BE RIGHT! If someone has never given you the time of day or looked at you, and if the girl is even mean to you, most likely she will reject you, and you should avoid that if you’re smart.Image

If you are a normal guy, you’ll try to interact in a light way in person, electronically, etc etc, to see what her reaction towards you is; if she ignores you or looks at you like you’re something that the cat dragged in, why would you go ahead and ask her out?

Yesterday a guy that I don’t know asked me out on Linked In, I added him because he worked on the same place where I work, but his picture was taken from really far away, he could have been anyone, well, anyone that’s ugly, even from far away, he looked ugly.

This event made me mad, if he is so afraid of asking me out in person, why would he ask me out in the first place? I choose to ignore him, because what would I say? Even if he was attractive physically, I don’t know who he is! And this attempt to ask me out seems like he knows that his chances are slim and didn’t want to risk a rejection, so the most effort he’d do was a message on a business networking site. I guess this is like buying a raffle ticket with other 200 people, you never expect that you’ll win. Not that I am such an amazing prize, but this guy seems very pathetic, and having balls is a must on my list.

Anonymous guy, thanks, your actions are exactly designed to cause a very uncomfortable situation in the hallway, if I knew who he was lol, I guess it will be uncomfortable for him. I just wish with all my heart that this is the end of it.

Congrats man, you for sure know how to make a first good impression, now I know that you were stalking my desk to write down the exact spelling of my last name, then you stalked me on Linked in, but you are such a good decision maker than you thought that all of that was better than just trying to start a conversation with me.

Ross and Rachel from Friends are the worst relationship role model ever

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Recently, I am watching Friends (thanks to my friend who lent me the DVD’s). I like to watch a little bit of TV before bed and since now I live alone and I can’t afford (and it would be stupid considering the size of my place) to get another TV for my room, I am watching Friends in my tiny DVD player.

This show, that I like to call “the most overrated show on TV”, is somehow entertaining. I had missed many episodes when it first aired and now things make even less sense, specially relationships. And after reading Jennifer Aniston’s interview in some magazine that said: “I am sure that Ross and Rachel are together now and have more kids”, this made me want to tell her: “no, such immature people cannot hold a mature relationship”.

This couple was 30 and they acted like 15 year olds, I can’t picture a couple that invented hand signals to curse at each other after being in bed together 15 minutes before, raising their 2 sons and their daughter in a house in the suburbs. I am sure that Rachel list of last names would make Liz Taylor feel envious and that she’d share divorce lawyers with Madonna and one of the ladies from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

The saddest thing about this is how I’ve watched couples fighting like this, and now I just wonder: have some people suffered permanent mental damage from watching too many sitcoms? When you refer to  your boyfriend as pig, dog, or any kind of animal and then you’re still with him; or when you have screaming fights in the line to get into a club; or when you pour too much salt on their meal; or jump in bed and unmake the bed that they just spend a couple minutes obsessive-compulsively making (true story); say this to yourself I AM NOT IN A SITCOM. If you have fights that other people would find funny, you’re just a loser, you’re not a Kardashian, you won’t get a reality show. If you broke up because you wrote a 15 pages letter that your boyfriend didn’t read, and if you only wanted him back when he was with someone else (even after he said your name in his wedding!), please realize that just because Snooki is pregnant and getting married, that doesn’t mean that you can jump from total immaturity to raising a family.

Like my dad used to say “You can choose between being Paris Hilton or Ivanka Trump”, I get the point now dad, Thanks!

Adele lyrics for feminists (and women who think that they can breathe without a man)

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I think that Adele has a glorious voice, there! I said it. My problem is not with her voice, I just think that she could make a better use of that talent if she didn’t write and sing such suicidal, co-dependent and anti-feministic songs (Please see Paloma Faith, she’s Adele with a slightly better voice, more upbeat and most importantly, she has a desire to keep on living).

I read in a magazine that she is in a relationship now, I wonder how (LOL), the reason why I wonder is because men usually stay away from such bitter women, they seem to have a special talent to smell desperation and hate to all men, and run like the wind. You’d think that the way she speaks during her shows would be enough to keep her from dating for a decade or two.

I also wonder if she will sell as many copies of her next album now that she’ll have more positive songs, but then again, will she have positive songs? Maybe not, maybe she’ll date horrible men so she has song material forever. What would the fans do if instead of crying during her shows she started doing something unexpected, like smiling once or twice? Who knows!

 

For now, just for fun, I’ll give my idea of what Adele’s lyrics should say; instead of saying “I’ll die without a man” (Don’t they all say that?)

  • Never mind I’ll find someone like you: I can swing my purse and hit at least 5 men better than you
  • I wish nothing but the best to you: Honestly, what happens to you is less interesting to me than watching food cook in a microwave
  • We could’ve had it all: You know what? You have the maturity of a 5 year old, this relationship was doomed
  • Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you: Did she give you therapy twice a week? Because that’s what you need
  • You’ve found a girl and you’re married now: You got married at 23!?!? Was she pregnant?
  • Where I felt something die because I knew it was the last time: What’s going to die it’s you’re a$$ if you call me again

 

The most common myths about Latin-American people solved!

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On my two year anniversary in Canada, I thought that it would be nice to remember the innocent/offensive(and/or)/stupid comments I’ve lived/heard about latin culture.

  1. Every music in Spanish that’s upbeat and you can dance to is salsa/we all like to dance salsa: False. There is other types of music in Spanish, because there are MANY countries in Latin-America, with different types of music. I welcome you to Google: merengue, bachata, reggaeton, corrido, ranchera (on second thought, DO NOT Google corrido, trust me…)
  2. Every Latin person is Mexican: False. Yes, Mexico is closer to North America, but there are some means of transportation that fly in the sky (they’re called planes) that allow people to travel from other countries too. And yes, Mexico is big, so a lot of people live there, but please grab a map a see how many other countries there are.
  3. When we say “lets go out dancing” it means that we are going to dance salsa: False. Not all of us like to dance salsa; it’s more common for older people to like salsa.
  4. When we are happy we break into a salsa dance: False. Our lives are not a Latin version of Glee. See point above (not all of us like salsa). Also, if you think that salsa is only the natural tomato sauce used for Latin food: False!. Salsa means “sauce”, so ANY sauce is a salsa, but in Spanish WE DO have different names for different sauces, we are smart like that.
  5. Everything that we eat is spicy. False. There are other spices in Latin America. Exception: Mexicans. But please remember #2, we are not all Mexican.
  6. All of our clubs and parties look like a scene from Dirty Dancing, and everyone moves in coordinated steps. False. Not going to happen either, we don’t meet in clubs 2 hours before everyone else gets there to rehearse and make sure that we all move at the same rhythm and same steps. Everyone wants to dance the way they want to and with the steps that they want, we don’t look at other couples, and surprise! Sometimes we dance alone or in groups.
  7. It’s funny when you repeat words in Spanish again and again, like “hola, como estas? And “adios”. It is actually very annoying if you talk to us the same way a 2 year old would, it is not a talent to know 5 words of any language and it’s not a good conversation starter, you are not smart for learning vocabulary from “Dora the explorer”. And please, never think that it’s sexy and funny when you say “caliente” to mean “sexy”, it’s very very creepy, you wouldn’t call a lady “hot mama” would you? And if you would, you are not getting women, period.
  8. If you take a token Latino to a dance club, you’ll look cooler and at the end of the night you’ll be able to dance. False. We are not dance instructors, we take other subjects in high school and *shock alert* some of us even study real careers like social worker, doctor or engineer. You don’t go to jail in Latin America if you are not a good dancer, and you are actually able to live a normal life…most of the time. But this one is relative, if in Latin America you’re a 6 (From 1-10) in North America you are a 9.5.

And I quote this conversation, it happened to my dear friend who lives in California:

-Where are you from

-El Salvador

-Where is that?

-Central America

– (person started naming the states in the middle of the USA)

Girls that believe that movie romances are real and make the whole gender look stupid

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“When women watch a movie, we wish that our man would be like the main character” WTF??

Today I hear that comment, (the stupidest comment ever) on the radio and it reminded me of two things:

-There is a reason why I don’t listen to that station when the DJs are speaking.

– Men are right to be afraid of women’s unrealistic (surreal?) expectations and wondering of women do or do not have a brain

This type of crazy woman exists! And they are annoyingly clueless…this woman accepted on her show that when she saw “Crazy, Stupid Love” she saw Ryan Gosling and wished that her boyfriend would be like him. I was irritated that she said this in public and generalized so much “women always wish that they had a guy like the movie’s leading men” and “Men do the same all the time and are not judged.

Hhhmmmm OK, you have two options, either imagine that a love where problems disappear after a couple of months and you get your “happily ever after” ending, which will have you committed in a mental institution instead of committed to a real man; or accept that people on real life have flaws and are not going to be all happy, romantic and corny every day, accept that sometimes the most romantic thing a guy can do is to fix your computer and remember your friends’/fish/dog name, and not running to an airport to stop you before you get into the plan and convince you that the many problems that you had (that may or may not include something like an ex-wife that wants to kill you, a mix up of sperm for artificial insemination, that you are his cleaning lady and he makes 200 K a year and/or that you interchanged lives with a 13 year old) are over now, and you can go on and be infinitely happy, without you lifting a finger. Choose your option.

Stupid woman, you are the reason why guys think things like this about women:

–          Talk about feelings all the time

–          Fall in love after 2 months

–          Want to get married as a life goal

–          Want to change everything you are in order for you to be perfect for her

–          Want men to pay for everything

–          Will be happy if they can stop working and just raise their children

The worse was when a guy called and said the truth like no one could have said it better, it was something like this: “Men just look at hot women and think that it would be cool to date them, they don’t want to change their partner so they look/act like them; you are saying that you wish your guy to change into something that he’s not and that is definitely wrong”.

Yes, it is definitely wrong, but to generalize and say that all women do that, is wrong; to be surprised when someone tells you the truth because you hadn’t thought of it, is sad; and until then getting that you’re talking crazy, that is sad.

To finish my neuronal-suicide morning, I listen to an interview with a fanatic Rabi blaming the gays for the earthquake, and finally a diamonds’ ad telling the story about how it’s so cool to trick your man into driving to get you diamonds.

Being full of yourself is the new black

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It seems like really high self esteem, being full of yourself, having a big head, etc. is very popular right now. Yesterday I was reading “Summer and the City”, the 2nd Sex and the City prequel, when Carrie asks Miranda: “Do you think I have a big head? If I do, I don’t care, I’ve accomplished more than most people will on their lifetime” (…it was something like that, maybe I shouldn’t quote).

and this is how conversations end...

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about thinking that other people are less than yourself, and treating them as less (I honestly think that the ones with low self esteem are the ones that do this, and not the other way around), I am talking about being honestly comfortable in your own skin and happy with who you are and who you’ll become. I’m not talking about behaving like the Queen Bee from Mean Girls (hello! low self esteem alert!)

That makes me think  that the world is divided in two types of people, the 1st one that love themselves in a healthy way, is happy when their friends are doing good and surrounds him/herself with people who are the same; and the second one, that feels threatened by confident people and needs friends that are doing “worse” because that makes them feel less worse, if that makes sense.

I am a member of the 1st group, and feel attracted to socialize and have relationships with the 2nd type, my relationship with someone that was errmm… less smart than me, did not go well, I thought that he was so stupid, I loved him anyway, but I think that I treated him according to my subconscious opinion of him. After a number of months, every time I had to explain something to him for the 100th time, I had a flash forward of me married with him and me solving all of our problems, and maybe even supporting our house with my 2 jobs while he stays home scrubbing the floors, because that’s the best he could do for himself *sigh*

If you are a girl who considers herself pretty, smart and interesting, a lot of things will go on your favor, and there is only one disadvantage, that makes a lot of b#@$es hate you. On the contrary, if you believe that you are the worst, you may suck in your life, but you’ll have a lot of friends…your choice.

You can love yourself enough to be happy for your friends’ happiness or have such low self esteem that you have to make others feel bad. And that my friends, is the difference between a healthy person that loves who he/she is and The Situation from Jersey Shore, who will beg everyone to kiss his abs, please stay away from that behavior.