Category Archives: guys

Romantic or Psycho: a tutorial for dummies

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stalker

You’d think that this is common sense, but apparently for some men, it is hard to figure out: When do you stop being cute and romantic and start being a stalker?
Once I heard that if a guy that you like acts insistent, it’s romantic; but when you don’t like the guy it’s stalkerish, and I agree to an extent. But what happens when a guy you like makes you fly away faster than an angry bird?

Here is a tutorial that will show guys the difference, the line is not so thin guys!:

– Begging to get someone back after screwing up: romantic
– Begging to get someone back 3 times a day, while using different “ routines” and one day acting all sad and the next one putting yourself down to reverse psychology the crap out of the poor lady: psycho

– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ”: romantic
– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ” after she broke up with you a month ago and you haven’t talked, and she has an App on her phone to block you: psycho

– Adding your girlfriend to Linked In and following her on Twitter: romantic
– Stalking your ex on Linked In after she has blocked your from any other social media tool, trying to conclude if she is dating someone from her posts and texting her to say that you’re glad she didn’t delete you: Psycho

– Showing up at your girlfriend’s place with flowers: romantic
– Showing up at your ex-girlfriend’s place with flowers after she has a restraining order against you and takes the back stairs after her classes in order to avoid you: psycho

These are only a few examples, but the general rule is that if someone is yelling at you or running the other direction when they see you, it may be safe to conclude that you are not, I repeat, you are not in a happy relationship with them anymore. Please don’t make us yell “stranger danger” or call the police when we see you.
It might be hard to figure out for some people but changing your attitude three times a day is a “no no”, so if you’re yelling at noon and crying at night, you should start seeing someone often, and that someone is a therapist.

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WORST THINGS TO SAY TO SOMEONE THAT IS SINGLE /BEST RESPONSES TO SHUT SOMEONE UP WHEN YOU’RE SINGLE

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old maidWhy are you still single?
I used to lock my boyfriends in a basement; one of them escaped and told others, no one wants to date me now.

Wow! You’re biological clock must be ticking now.
No, what is ticking is a bomb that’s on my purse, I’d run if I were you

Your great aunt Whatever is old and alone, never got married and she had the saddest life, be careful!
Good point! I’ll just go smoke and drink alone to make sure I don’t get to that age

Who keeps you company on a lonely afternoon?
My imaginary friend Mary, she comes over and we have tea, she’s sitting right next to you right now!

I don’t see why you’re single when you’re so pretty.
Maybe not shaving my armpits and not wearing deodorant has something to do with it.

When are you planning on getting married?
If you get me a husband for my birthday, I’ll get married that day. Please order with time to spare in order to plan a big wedding.

And then the last one, from Sex and the City:

Charlotte: You have to take risks so you don’t wind up an old maid.
Carrie: Oh! That’s right. Must not wind up old maid. How will l remember that? Does anybody have a pen?

Tired of being Ted (Of How I met your mother)

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Have you ever seen I met your mother? It is a cute show that can be sometimes funny, but mostly just entertaining, I love this show and I think I know why, I AM TED.

Surrounded by super stable relationships that have lasted many years, friends who sleep around and serial daters, Ted is the guy who only dates special people, so he remains single most of the time and then has a few very meaningful relationships that end because of dramatic and profound reasons that make a good sitcom storyline, that’s me, Ted. Nice to meet you!

A#$%les don’t last long in my life (one date at most actually) and none of my exes are (a@#$@les, that is), all of them are great guys with whom I remain friends with, yes, real friends, not “I think we would be better as friends, but then I’ll never talk to you again because this is just something I say to people to make the break-up less hurtful”, I am pretty sure that I’ll be friends with this last guy too, great friends actually.

Me and my exes give each other life advice, professional advice, joke around and even give support through break ups, yes, believe it or not.

Sure, I do have great memories of exes that make me happy and sad (at the same time) during times of loneliness and I have no stories that will help me participate on “Bad Boyfriend Poker” and earn prizes on the radio (You’ll get this if you’re from Toronto and drive to work in the morning), but this is starting to feel like I’m at the Olympics, I am competing rarely and always come in second place. Come on! Everyone knows that losing is easier if you see that you didn’t have a chance,

 I am  the silver medal of “Happily ever after”.  I’m constantly “almost there”, really close to successful relationship territory, I am in “We have 90% of the things that we need to spend the rest of our life together and be super happy” territory, I am the queen of that region actually, and I’m a great ruler, come visit soon!

But if Ted and I have something in common, is that we are dreamers, this makes us always fight to make it work, but also helps us to keep the faith 🙂 there has to be someone out there who is looking for another Ted!

I just met you, and dating is crazy, so I won’t give my number, call me NEVER

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Dating S.U.C.K.S, honestly. You stress about what to wear, what to say, how to act, how much info to reveal, then you blink and it’s over, and you just had 10 mins of fun.

For me, it’s always a situation on which the reasons to break up are “mild”, nothing too dramatic, the most common scenario for me so far would be when the guy is nice but lacking a little bit of emocional intelligence (the maturity of a 5 year old watching Teletubbies).

To prove that dating sucks and we should all remain celibate or bring back arranged marriages, I’ll give you some percentages and facts that come from totally reliable sources:

-Dating is like making a very bad investment with high risk, where you put all your money and have a chance of 0.000000001% of getting it back, and you don’t even know how much of it you’ll get back! maybe you’re making all this effort for a dollar. And the 99.9999% chance of things sucking presents different posible endings, that of course stink like a bag of uncooked shrimp left in the sun for 2 days; like getting cheated on, things endind abruptly when you thought they were going well and they said that they loved you an hour before, someone breaking up with you right after sleeping with you, him breaking up with you by showing you a hickey from another girl,  you breaking up with him when you find texts from a girl showing her boobies or someone breaking up with you stating stupid reasons when you know that it’s sooooo their lost because they’re fat, ugly and broke. (all true stories that happened to people I know).

– You end up in dates that seem like a bad episode of a sitcom, or even worse, a reality show. You can meet one of those guys with anger issues that throw bottles at the waitress when they don’t get the ketchup fast; or the guy that burns himself with cigarrettes because the girl he likes doesn’t want to be with him (for this and more examples, watch The Real World Saint Thomas). You could meet a guy that acts like he’s on a date with his car and not you, or the guy who thinks vegetarianism is a myth, or the guy that hates mushrooms and people who eat them (please check my previous post, The Mushroom Guy)

– Even if it goes well, you honestly have a good time 20% of the time,and that is being generous the other 80% you’re just busy overthinking small details and things that he said and how he said them, and struggling about being tolerant about his lack of punctuality, never offering to wash dishes; or bigger problems like him being drunk all the time or forgeting to put some of  that dust covered Old Spice deodorant that he keeps in the back of the bathroom cabinet.

– How the f@#$#@ are you supposed to make plans that make 2 different people happy, at the same time? That is how you end in car shows falling asleep on top of the Ferrari because you’re so bored. Hell, how are you even supposed to hold a conversation when so many comments could make things go wrong, everytime you open your mouth the posibility of saying the wrong thing is 99.9%.

I’m thinking of putting together a “First Date Questionnaire”, it won’t really have the usual questions like: where do you see yourself in 20 years? but things that are more important that we never ask, such as:

– What is your view of a great relationship:

a. Dating 3 or 4 girls at the same time, since I get different things from each one of them

b. I just want to get married and get it over with, and have 15 kids

c. I want to be prince Charming to my Cinderella with little birds chirping and squirrels talking to us about how great our love is

d. I have a normal view, having fun and respecting each other

this.is.me.venting

The naked man from How I met your mother, happened in real life

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If you have now idea what this is, on an episode of How I met your mother, a guy talks about this move, “the naked man” that consists of just waiting for a girl, naked, 2 out of 3 times she’ll sleep with you (source: HIMY trusted statistics). This is Barney commenting about THE move: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB_6tVjvJw8. Well, the guys try this move on that episode.

I know that some guys want to feel like they live in a movie or a TV show, maybe you can get some ideas that you can apply on real life, well, one guy thought that it was a good idea to prove the vailidity of “The Naked Man”.

This happened to a friend, a very nice and innocent friend who trusts everyone. A friend of her friend, a guy that she has many years of knowing, but never was close friends with, lets call him Dummy, said that he was too far from home, and needed a place to stay. Her, as then nice innocent person she is(and since she introduced him to his current girlfriend), offered him a place to stay; he proceded to pull the “naked man” move and tell her to “come here”. I believe that the events that followed were interpreted in radically different ways by both of them, it went something like this:

EVENT: She offered him a place to stay

HE THOUGHT: Finally! I’m sleeping with her, I knew that she wanted me

SHE THOUGHT: I’ll just offer him a place to stay, does my hair look frizzy todat? hmmm

EVENT: She went to the bathroom

HE THOUGHT: This is the moment I was waiting for! I’ll take my clothes off and I’ll wait for her on a very sexy pose that shows my abs, I am the greatest when it comes to seduction tecniques!

SHE THOUGHT: I’ll put on my granny pj’s, the ones with the dinosaours, oh! I’ll brush my teeth and put on the face mask that I bought and I haven’t tried yet

EVENT: She comes out of the bathroom in granny pj’s

HE THOUGHT: She’s just playing hard to get! I’ll have to say something clever (and he said: “come here baby”), cleverest phrase ever!

SHE THOUGHT:WTF, I want to puke. I want to kill him, and puke, what do I do first?

After all these events, after she convinced him to put his clothes back on, he proceded to ask is she was angry, when she said “no”, he thought it was a good idea to ask her again if she would sleep with him. This guy has game!

The naked man didn’t work this time, I guess this is 1 out of 3 times…

I wonder where this guy gets other ideas to apply to his life, maybe he takes grooming and fashion advice from Jersey Shore, and in the future, marriage tips from the Kardashians and parenting advice from Toddlers and Tiaras…

Ross and Rachel from Friends are the worst relationship role model ever

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Recently, I am watching Friends (thanks to my friend who lent me the DVD’s). I like to watch a little bit of TV before bed and since now I live alone and I can’t afford (and it would be stupid considering the size of my place) to get another TV for my room, I am watching Friends in my tiny DVD player.

This show, that I like to call “the most overrated show on TV”, is somehow entertaining. I had missed many episodes when it first aired and now things make even less sense, specially relationships. And after reading Jennifer Aniston’s interview in some magazine that said: “I am sure that Ross and Rachel are together now and have more kids”, this made me want to tell her: “no, such immature people cannot hold a mature relationship”.

This couple was 30 and they acted like 15 year olds, I can’t picture a couple that invented hand signals to curse at each other after being in bed together 15 minutes before, raising their 2 sons and their daughter in a house in the suburbs. I am sure that Rachel list of last names would make Liz Taylor feel envious and that she’d share divorce lawyers with Madonna and one of the ladies from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

The saddest thing about this is how I’ve watched couples fighting like this, and now I just wonder: have some people suffered permanent mental damage from watching too many sitcoms? When you refer to  your boyfriend as pig, dog, or any kind of animal and then you’re still with him; or when you have screaming fights in the line to get into a club; or when you pour too much salt on their meal; or jump in bed and unmake the bed that they just spend a couple minutes obsessive-compulsively making (true story); say this to yourself I AM NOT IN A SITCOM. If you have fights that other people would find funny, you’re just a loser, you’re not a Kardashian, you won’t get a reality show. If you broke up because you wrote a 15 pages letter that your boyfriend didn’t read, and if you only wanted him back when he was with someone else (even after he said your name in his wedding!), please realize that just because Snooki is pregnant and getting married, that doesn’t mean that you can jump from total immaturity to raising a family.

Like my dad used to say “You can choose between being Paris Hilton or Ivanka Trump”, I get the point now dad, Thanks!

Adele lyrics for feminists (and women who think that they can breathe without a man)

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I think that Adele has a glorious voice, there! I said it. My problem is not with her voice, I just think that she could make a better use of that talent if she didn’t write and sing such suicidal, co-dependent and anti-feministic songs (Please see Paloma Faith, she’s Adele with a slightly better voice, more upbeat and most importantly, she has a desire to keep on living).

I read in a magazine that she is in a relationship now, I wonder how (LOL), the reason why I wonder is because men usually stay away from such bitter women, they seem to have a special talent to smell desperation and hate to all men, and run like the wind. You’d think that the way she speaks during her shows would be enough to keep her from dating for a decade or two.

I also wonder if she will sell as many copies of her next album now that she’ll have more positive songs, but then again, will she have positive songs? Maybe not, maybe she’ll date horrible men so she has song material forever. What would the fans do if instead of crying during her shows she started doing something unexpected, like smiling once or twice? Who knows!

 

For now, just for fun, I’ll give my idea of what Adele’s lyrics should say; instead of saying “I’ll die without a man” (Don’t they all say that?)

  • Never mind I’ll find someone like you: I can swing my purse and hit at least 5 men better than you
  • I wish nothing but the best to you: Honestly, what happens to you is less interesting to me than watching food cook in a microwave
  • We could’ve had it all: You know what? You have the maturity of a 5 year old, this relationship was doomed
  • Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you: Did she give you therapy twice a week? Because that’s what you need
  • You’ve found a girl and you’re married now: You got married at 23!?!? Was she pregnant?
  • Where I felt something die because I knew it was the last time: What’s going to die it’s you’re a$$ if you call me again

 

Infallible solution to get over someone: start seeing him as a different person (if he’s a loser, it’s even easier)

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Unless your break up was a big mistake and he is the love of your life (in this case run, go get him!), I am sure that now you have at least one good reason or a list of reasons why things didn’t work and weren’t meant to be, and shouldn’t be. Everyone deserves an initial period of sadness and grief, but after that, why don’t you use all those reasons as ammunition to get over him?, I’ll explain how. When you fall for someone, you see them in an ideal way, you see all the good in them, they’re the cutest guy in the world, you love how they make you feel, every moment is magical, etc, etc. But then, at the moment when you break up, or he breaks up you see another side, it is either an evil side that you had never noticed (he has the maturity of Snooki [or her drinking habits], the ego of Kanye West, or the ability of falling in and out of love of Kim Kardashian) or something that makes you and him incompatible (you are a vegetarian, he thinks that cows live in a spa before dying [true story], or he thinks that alcohol is evil, or maybe he’s one of those homophobes that likes to occasionally slap his male friends in the butt [true story]). Now that you think about it, this new person that he is now for you, isn’t it a lot different than the guy that you fell for? Completely different person, and he’s not your burden or problem anymore. Whatever the reason why things didn’t work is, I’m pretty sure there is a reason, and in some cases, there might even be a lot of disappointment on your side, that makes your case even easier.

OK, so to get over someone you just have to “REALIZE THAT THERE IS A GOOD AND LOGICAL REASON WHY YOU’RE NOT TOGETHER, WHAT HAPPENED IS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED AND IT IS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU”. Work on seeing him as a different person, a person with all these flaws that you didn’t see before, or/and a person with whom you are incompatible and you wouldn’t be happy together long term.

Follow these steps:

  1. You have grieved already, so now, without any feelings that match the ones of a character from a Greek tragedy, without sleeping in fetal position or crying in the shower, just think objectively about all of those reasons. It wasn’t meant to be and the sooner it ends the better.
  2. Reflect on the things that this relationship taught you and work on improving yourself.
  3. Reflect on the things that this guy had that you never ever want to look for again in any other guy in the future, make a quick mental note to run like the wind whenever you see this.

This method works, the key is to allow yourself to have enough grieving time before you do this and then lather, rinse and repeat… and then improve your taste in men, and work hard in not being a psycho yourself.

A man that can make scrambled eggs is admirable; say the conservative-weird-feminists

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This morning I was appalled at the use of frozen scrambled eggs in Canada, they taste like plastic that stinks and I thought: “how hard is it to crack an egg, scramble it and add salt and pepper”, apparently for some cultures, the answer to this question depends on your sex.

I almost puked my plastic scrambled eggs when I heard an older lady at work congratulating a 30ish married man because he could cook eggs, they both seem really happy discussing how his wife did “everything” in the house and he could not complain, of course you can’t complain if you’re the one who’s useless; the question is, why doesn’t she complain?

Coming from a home in which my parents always divided tasks fairly between them when needed, and thaught my brother how to survive (he cooks scrambled eggs and sometimes complicated things like omelette, just kidding! He’s an amazing cook), it’s hard not to be offended by this point of view.

I understand that women cooked, cleaned and raised the children WHEN THEY DIDN’T WORK, if a woman doesn’t work or does anything with her life, it is perfectly normal (and expected I’d say) that she takes care of the house, you’ve got to do something, right? I don’t agree with women who fill their days with pottery classes, fake nails and hair appointments either.

But if you are holding a full time job, even a position of power, are you expected to go home to cook, clean and serve dinner? Well, in my case, if you are a guy that likes me, you can start running if you expect that, because when you at least hint that, I’ll run, fast, and I’ll laugh, hard.

At least many years ago we had one role to fill, now we have two??? Smart thing, this feminism that sent some women to the office and then to do all the work that our predecessors did in 8 hours, in 3 hours!

I’m sorry, I’ll cook and clean for one because there’s no one else that’ll do it for me (in Latin America, everyone has maids so this does not apply so much), when I live with someone we’ll have to negotiate according to the tasks we hate the most: “hate doing laundry? I’ll do it and you’ll wash dishes”, I refuse to leave work at night to go and wash, clean, cook and serve him a cold one while I try to look pretty, so people won’t say that I look “tired”. If you ever wondered why a wife and mother looks so tired, now you know, maybe she has a useless husband.

Men who down own up to their mistakes and the women who love them

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Thanks to my friend E., this blog was going to be called “Path to maturity and acquiring balls”, but then it sounded like a “too controversial” title. We had this amazing idea for opening a school that imparts night classes to men that act like boys, the subjects will be: “Why throwing tantrums will not get you girls”,  “You’re not that great (not at all), so you’ll have to settle with whatever you get”, “why mistreating a girl that is 10 times better than you is delirious behaviour”, etc. (We are open to hear other ideas).

The thing is this, after having an ex act like a little boy during a relationship and like an as$#%*^ after breaking up; it is a surprise when he starts acting like he wants you back, and starts acting like he’s this amazing guy with all these things going for him (he’s not, not at all) and like you’ve been sitting patiently in a corner until he realizes the mistake he made at letting you go. Of course that you know that he made a mistake, but for you: good riddance!

More surprising still is when after you stop talking to him, and one day he all of a sudden thinks that he’s Romeo on his way to re-gaining your heart, and you are just talking to him to be nice and for good old times sake (even if times were not that good); and then you realize that his version of the story is that he was just trying to be friends and you just started being “Weird”.

Seriously dude? Seriously? You are delusional…you were close to buying an engagement ring and a honeymoon trip for an ex that is dating someone 10 times better than you in every aspect possible. You acting all “romantic” is not nice and flattering, it’s creepy and stalkerish, and the fact that you are not accepting that it happened, and you’re not even staying quiet about it, but lying and making up a different version, that is just plain pathetic. If thinking that you’re crazy makes me weird, I am weird, I embrace it.

That brings me to my next question: How come being valued is underrated? And how much of it is OUR own fault? Almost every girl that I know has a horror story about being lied to, cheated or just being taken on a permanent and very exciting rollercoaster ride of time-offs and break ups.

This remind me of the “Sex and the City” episode in which Carrie pretends to be Big’s friend and he says that he’s getting married, and she says something like: “you just didn’t want to marry me, you stringed me along for two years just to marry someone else”, and he responded: “ I didn’t string you along”. Well Carrie, to be honest, he wasn’t lying to you, he was very honest, and he didn’t put a gun in your head so you’d stay. It was you who decided to stay.

A couple of times in life, we receive challenges just to make us grow, but most of the time, you’re there because you choose it, you knew what you were doing so don’t complain after. Please refer to my previous blog with the ducks in the title.