Category Archives: carrie bradshaw

Text break ups are underrated

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Not the best example

Not the best example

Breaking up sucks most of the time, even when you agree that it’s the right thing to do, rejection always stinks more than the bathroom at a cheap pub. Now there is so many options for breaking up: starting with the text and finishing with the ceremonial break up dinner.
I am a great supporter of the short and sweet text break ups because I don’t want a whole event made out of me getting rejected. What are we going to do next? A break up party? where you break up in public and after that you take questions from the audience?
Typical, you hear someone saying “at least you deserve that he/she breaks up with you in person”; to me, that sounds like “at least you deserve that your death is painful and slow”.
Lets look at how a regular breakup would go, vs. a text breakup:

REGULAR BREAKUP:

Breaker: (over the phone) We need to talk about our relationship
Breakee: (freaks out) hmmm ok, when?
Breaker: tomorrow
Breakee: ok (can’t sleep and has a horrible night)
The next day…
Breaker: It’s not you, it’s me. I have no time for relationships right now, I need to find myself
Or…
Honest breaker: I’ve met someone hotter, I’ve met someone with more money, you’re too dumb, your boobs are too small
Breakee: whyyy? Oohh why???
Breaker: I am sorry, don’t cry!
Breakee: (cries and then goes home humiliated, to cry some more and watch something like Bridget Jones or The Holiday)
THE END

TEXT BREAK UP

Breaker: I don’t want to see you again
Breakee: OK

See? Short and sweet, no humiliation needed. In case there is still doubt, I’ll list the benefits of a text break up:
– If you cry no one sees you/ If someone is crying for you, you’ll never know
– You can be honest (or pretend) that you also wanted to break up/ you can pretend that you believe them
– You have time to think about questions that you want to ask/ you have time to think about your answers
– If you REALLY want to follow up and ask for an explanation, you can arrange to do that later (who wants a further explanation on why this person doesn’t want you?)
– You don’t have to sit through the most awkward meal ever, or pack your food to go mid-bite so you can go home and cry.
– People don’t have to watch you break-up/ that can actually be fun for the other people that are watching.

Conclusion: text break ups are the way to go, please don’t do the “Break up post it” a la Berger from Sex and the City, that is just tacky.

What are your Break Up tips? Or funny experiences that you’d like to share?

berger

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WORST THINGS TO SAY TO SOMEONE THAT IS SINGLE /BEST RESPONSES TO SHUT SOMEONE UP WHEN YOU’RE SINGLE

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old maidWhy are you still single?
I used to lock my boyfriends in a basement; one of them escaped and told others, no one wants to date me now.

Wow! You’re biological clock must be ticking now.
No, what is ticking is a bomb that’s on my purse, I’d run if I were you

Your great aunt Whatever is old and alone, never got married and she had the saddest life, be careful!
Good point! I’ll just go smoke and drink alone to make sure I don’t get to that age

Who keeps you company on a lonely afternoon?
My imaginary friend Mary, she comes over and we have tea, she’s sitting right next to you right now!

I don’t see why you’re single when you’re so pretty.
Maybe not shaving my armpits and not wearing deodorant has something to do with it.

When are you planning on getting married?
If you get me a husband for my birthday, I’ll get married that day. Please order with time to spare in order to plan a big wedding.

And then the last one, from Sex and the City:

Charlotte: You have to take risks so you don’t wind up an old maid.
Carrie: Oh! That’s right. Must not wind up old maid. How will l remember that? Does anybody have a pen?

Who has it all figured out? No one

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I dated a guy last year who was 30, I always have perfect timing: I dated him when he didn’t know what he heck he wanted to do with his life. He  had broken up recently with a live in girlfriend and that was a big mess, and he was debating between alternatives such as moving to the country to open a cigar store, working Downtown at a small consultants firm or working at the most evil corporation in the world. Silly me, I thought that he would figure it all out soon and it would all be OK, the reality was, it just got worse and things ended.

The thing is, when I heard that someone was debating between working with Green Peace to save the whales or selling everything and go live under a rock in a glacier in Newfoundland Canada, I judged them, a LOT. I didn’t understand how you can be 30 and not know what you’re doing, we are adults and we should know what we want, right? WRONG

It is so easy to judge until this happens to you, it seems like when I look around everyone I know is questioning who they are, and more importantly, what they believe; or they are swimming deep in the sea of denial 😛 (I don’t know what to do with these swimmers, do we throw them a floating device? or let them swim happily?)

What happens if you change a major belief in your life? Are you suddenly a different person? A bad person? What if you start liking a different type of guy? Or the same sex? Or casual relationships? Or quit your job to open a cupcake store? What if you change your religion from Baptist to Scientology?

When you are almost 30 is the time where you wonder what the heck you’re doing with your life, in general. At least I think I got it figured out when it comes to work/occupation, so that is a little bit less stress. But currently I am questioning everything else, I am questioning beliefs and I am regretting the time I’ve wasted being strict when I should have been living.

The truth is, the karma for judging others is that you are judging yourself just as severely.

Tired of being Ted (Of How I met your mother)

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Have you ever seen I met your mother? It is a cute show that can be sometimes funny, but mostly just entertaining, I love this show and I think I know why, I AM TED.

Surrounded by super stable relationships that have lasted many years, friends who sleep around and serial daters, Ted is the guy who only dates special people, so he remains single most of the time and then has a few very meaningful relationships that end because of dramatic and profound reasons that make a good sitcom storyline, that’s me, Ted. Nice to meet you!

A#$%les don’t last long in my life (one date at most actually) and none of my exes are (a@#$@les, that is), all of them are great guys with whom I remain friends with, yes, real friends, not “I think we would be better as friends, but then I’ll never talk to you again because this is just something I say to people to make the break-up less hurtful”, I am pretty sure that I’ll be friends with this last guy too, great friends actually.

Me and my exes give each other life advice, professional advice, joke around and even give support through break ups, yes, believe it or not.

Sure, I do have great memories of exes that make me happy and sad (at the same time) during times of loneliness and I have no stories that will help me participate on “Bad Boyfriend Poker” and earn prizes on the radio (You’ll get this if you’re from Toronto and drive to work in the morning), but this is starting to feel like I’m at the Olympics, I am competing rarely and always come in second place. Come on! Everyone knows that losing is easier if you see that you didn’t have a chance,

 I am  the silver medal of “Happily ever after”.  I’m constantly “almost there”, really close to successful relationship territory, I am in “We have 90% of the things that we need to spend the rest of our life together and be super happy” territory, I am the queen of that region actually, and I’m a great ruler, come visit soon!

But if Ted and I have something in common, is that we are dreamers, this makes us always fight to make it work, but also helps us to keep the faith 🙂 there has to be someone out there who is looking for another Ted!

I just met you, and dating is crazy, so I won’t give my number, call me NEVER

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Dating S.U.C.K.S, honestly. You stress about what to wear, what to say, how to act, how much info to reveal, then you blink and it’s over, and you just had 10 mins of fun.

For me, it’s always a situation on which the reasons to break up are “mild”, nothing too dramatic, the most common scenario for me so far would be when the guy is nice but lacking a little bit of emocional intelligence (the maturity of a 5 year old watching Teletubbies).

To prove that dating sucks and we should all remain celibate or bring back arranged marriages, I’ll give you some percentages and facts that come from totally reliable sources:

-Dating is like making a very bad investment with high risk, where you put all your money and have a chance of 0.000000001% of getting it back, and you don’t even know how much of it you’ll get back! maybe you’re making all this effort for a dollar. And the 99.9999% chance of things sucking presents different posible endings, that of course stink like a bag of uncooked shrimp left in the sun for 2 days; like getting cheated on, things endind abruptly when you thought they were going well and they said that they loved you an hour before, someone breaking up with you right after sleeping with you, him breaking up with you by showing you a hickey from another girl,  you breaking up with him when you find texts from a girl showing her boobies or someone breaking up with you stating stupid reasons when you know that it’s sooooo their lost because they’re fat, ugly and broke. (all true stories that happened to people I know).

– You end up in dates that seem like a bad episode of a sitcom, or even worse, a reality show. You can meet one of those guys with anger issues that throw bottles at the waitress when they don’t get the ketchup fast; or the guy that burns himself with cigarrettes because the girl he likes doesn’t want to be with him (for this and more examples, watch The Real World Saint Thomas). You could meet a guy that acts like he’s on a date with his car and not you, or the guy who thinks vegetarianism is a myth, or the guy that hates mushrooms and people who eat them (please check my previous post, The Mushroom Guy)

– Even if it goes well, you honestly have a good time 20% of the time,and that is being generous the other 80% you’re just busy overthinking small details and things that he said and how he said them, and struggling about being tolerant about his lack of punctuality, never offering to wash dishes; or bigger problems like him being drunk all the time or forgeting to put some of  that dust covered Old Spice deodorant that he keeps in the back of the bathroom cabinet.

– How the f@#$#@ are you supposed to make plans that make 2 different people happy, at the same time? That is how you end in car shows falling asleep on top of the Ferrari because you’re so bored. Hell, how are you even supposed to hold a conversation when so many comments could make things go wrong, everytime you open your mouth the posibility of saying the wrong thing is 99.9%.

I’m thinking of putting together a “First Date Questionnaire”, it won’t really have the usual questions like: where do you see yourself in 20 years? but things that are more important that we never ask, such as:

– What is your view of a great relationship:

a. Dating 3 or 4 girls at the same time, since I get different things from each one of them

b. I just want to get married and get it over with, and have 15 kids

c. I want to be prince Charming to my Cinderella with little birds chirping and squirrels talking to us about how great our love is

d. I have a normal view, having fun and respecting each other

this.is.me.venting

Ross and Rachel from Friends are the worst relationship role model ever

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Recently, I am watching Friends (thanks to my friend who lent me the DVD’s). I like to watch a little bit of TV before bed and since now I live alone and I can’t afford (and it would be stupid considering the size of my place) to get another TV for my room, I am watching Friends in my tiny DVD player.

This show, that I like to call “the most overrated show on TV”, is somehow entertaining. I had missed many episodes when it first aired and now things make even less sense, specially relationships. And after reading Jennifer Aniston’s interview in some magazine that said: “I am sure that Ross and Rachel are together now and have more kids”, this made me want to tell her: “no, such immature people cannot hold a mature relationship”.

This couple was 30 and they acted like 15 year olds, I can’t picture a couple that invented hand signals to curse at each other after being in bed together 15 minutes before, raising their 2 sons and their daughter in a house in the suburbs. I am sure that Rachel list of last names would make Liz Taylor feel envious and that she’d share divorce lawyers with Madonna and one of the ladies from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

The saddest thing about this is how I’ve watched couples fighting like this, and now I just wonder: have some people suffered permanent mental damage from watching too many sitcoms? When you refer to  your boyfriend as pig, dog, or any kind of animal and then you’re still with him; or when you have screaming fights in the line to get into a club; or when you pour too much salt on their meal; or jump in bed and unmake the bed that they just spend a couple minutes obsessive-compulsively making (true story); say this to yourself I AM NOT IN A SITCOM. If you have fights that other people would find funny, you’re just a loser, you’re not a Kardashian, you won’t get a reality show. If you broke up because you wrote a 15 pages letter that your boyfriend didn’t read, and if you only wanted him back when he was with someone else (even after he said your name in his wedding!), please realize that just because Snooki is pregnant and getting married, that doesn’t mean that you can jump from total immaturity to raising a family.

Like my dad used to say “You can choose between being Paris Hilton or Ivanka Trump”, I get the point now dad, Thanks!

Men who down own up to their mistakes and the women who love them

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Thanks to my friend E., this blog was going to be called “Path to maturity and acquiring balls”, but then it sounded like a “too controversial” title. We had this amazing idea for opening a school that imparts night classes to men that act like boys, the subjects will be: “Why throwing tantrums will not get you girls”,  “You’re not that great (not at all), so you’ll have to settle with whatever you get”, “why mistreating a girl that is 10 times better than you is delirious behaviour”, etc. (We are open to hear other ideas).

The thing is this, after having an ex act like a little boy during a relationship and like an as$#%*^ after breaking up; it is a surprise when he starts acting like he wants you back, and starts acting like he’s this amazing guy with all these things going for him (he’s not, not at all) and like you’ve been sitting patiently in a corner until he realizes the mistake he made at letting you go. Of course that you know that he made a mistake, but for you: good riddance!

More surprising still is when after you stop talking to him, and one day he all of a sudden thinks that he’s Romeo on his way to re-gaining your heart, and you are just talking to him to be nice and for good old times sake (even if times were not that good); and then you realize that his version of the story is that he was just trying to be friends and you just started being “Weird”.

Seriously dude? Seriously? You are delusional…you were close to buying an engagement ring and a honeymoon trip for an ex that is dating someone 10 times better than you in every aspect possible. You acting all “romantic” is not nice and flattering, it’s creepy and stalkerish, and the fact that you are not accepting that it happened, and you’re not even staying quiet about it, but lying and making up a different version, that is just plain pathetic. If thinking that you’re crazy makes me weird, I am weird, I embrace it.

That brings me to my next question: How come being valued is underrated? And how much of it is OUR own fault? Almost every girl that I know has a horror story about being lied to, cheated or just being taken on a permanent and very exciting rollercoaster ride of time-offs and break ups.

This remind me of the “Sex and the City” episode in which Carrie pretends to be Big’s friend and he says that he’s getting married, and she says something like: “you just didn’t want to marry me, you stringed me along for two years just to marry someone else”, and he responded: “ I didn’t string you along”. Well Carrie, to be honest, he wasn’t lying to you, he was very honest, and he didn’t put a gun in your head so you’d stay. It was you who decided to stay.

A couple of times in life, we receive challenges just to make us grow, but most of the time, you’re there because you choose it, you knew what you were doing so don’t complain after. Please refer to my previous blog with the ducks in the title.

The Jennifer Aniston syndrome: Why do we cry for losers?

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Rejection is a hard
pill to swallow; sometimes it hurts even if your logic tells you that the
person who rejected you wasn’t good for you, or even if you didn’t want them
anyway.

This reminds me of
Jennifer Aniston, and how people felt really bad for her, and how some continue
to feel bad when Brad Pitt carried on with his life and had 15 children with a
woman that used to wear blood jewellery, kiss her brother and cut herself.

We never care to think
if Brad Pitt had a million things wrong with him or if she was unhappy when she
was obviously living a lie. She was stigmatized as a “poor rejected woman” and
apparently this will follow her for the rest of her life.

Why is “rejection” the
first thought in our heads? Why do we punish ourselves like that? The worst
thing is that apparently, in 90% of the situations, when you break up the guy
will find someone in a period of time as short as 1 month  to – 1 week (that is “negative one week” if
you know what I mean). And we always think that that unstable human being is so
happy, when they’re messed up and jumping from one girl to the other. Sometimes
they will prove how messed up they are by trying to get back to you 6 months
later, 2 years later or 2 girls later.

Isn’t it stupid to
want someone to like us, even if we don’t like them anymore? Or even when we
know that we would say “no” if they did askto have us back?

Sometimes we cry with
no logic, we cry because we lost something that was awful in our lives, that
was a burden. Until someone asks us the very logical question: Why are you
crying for exactly?

Answer that question
logically, or any of these questions: was that person good for you? Were you
happy? Did he deserve you? Search for your answer on this list:

No, he was stupid,
unstable, he lied, he cheated, he ran away from problems, he made promises that
he couldn’t keep, he didn’t have everything I needed in someone, he made me
angry, he yelled at me, he changed his mind every week, he didn’t know how to
keep my trust, he didn’t like to watch TV, he thought that he was a lot smarter
than he is, he was too negative, he complained too much, he wasn’t that cute
anyway, he was too much of a geek, he was getting fat, his breath smelled bad,
he had terrible spelling, he liked Kesha, he liked Kim Kardashian and wanted to
spell his name with a K, he liked bands with the word “devil” on them, he
Tweeted too much, he was obsessed with money, he played videogames online, he
wore black shoes and a brown belt.

If you have
experienced rejection or broken up recently, I’m sure my list above offers you
plenty of options that can offer you clarity about being much better off
without him. And you’re always better off without someone who doesn’t think you’re
the best thing in the world.

Do you feel stupid for
wasting your time and your feelings with him? As my clever friends told
me,  “you’re losing even more time right
now thinking about him” and “you’d feel more stupid if you had continued the
relationship, mothered 3 of his children and THEN realized that he was an
a*hole”

Things I’ve learned from dumb men, bad dates and crying friends

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“Tripping over the
same rock twice” is a Spanish saying that means making the same stupid mistake
twice, knowing that all the signs were there. Well, let’s just hope for the
best and expect that we don’t make the mistake a third time.

These “rules” that I
have learned apply to friendships, but mostly relationships:

  •  If you think that someone is dumb, immature, lacks morals, but you want to keep on
    dating them because they’re nice or good looking. Well, in the future they’ll
    be all those things but old and wrinkly.
  • If a person has a lot of “life problems”, you can only cut them some slack for a
    limited amount of time. It’s an adult’s responsibility to solve their problems
    and figure out their life, and if possible, not take forever in doing so.
  •  If someone has done something wrong to at
    least two people, they can do the same to you, and they will most probably
    will.
  • If someone
    doesn’t fight for you at the beginning, when it’s all easy and uncomplicated,
    they will for sure not fight for you years later when things are hard and
    you’re fighting to keep the spark alive.
  • If someone
    can’t tell you clearly what their intentions are with you, it’s either because
    their intentions are not good at all and they won’t tell you, or they don’t
    have any idea of what they want. Neither of those is good. “I want to be your
    friend”, “I want to get to know you first and see what happens”, “I don’t like
    you that way”, all of these area valid answers, they should be able to use
    them.
  • Sex and the City Samantha’s golden rule for relationships is very simple, but very
    useful: Are you like this J or like this L? If you are sad, depressed, anxious and lose
    sleep, is not a good relationship. You can try and work on these things if both
    of you are willing to put on an effort towards improving things, and for a
    limited amount of time.

  • “For a limited amount of time” that’s how much
    a problem should last. After this time you should either accept the problem and
    get over it, or solve it.

  • Never stay
    in a relationship for the memory of how amazing things were, or for the hope of
    how things will improve. You need to enjoy the present, that’s what you’re
    living, after all.
  • You’re no
    one’s babysitter. You can help someone figure out what they want to an extent,
    but if you feel like you’re raising someone, or giving therapy for
    psychological issues, get out!
  • The most important rule “DO NOT SETTLE”. Have fun, Maybe I shouldn’t be
    talking about this, since right now I’m lacking faith in love and I’m wondering
    how is it that I’ve worked on myself and how much I’ve worked on getting to
    know what I want and what I want to be and I’m still alone. But I still know that
    there’s someone amazing for me out there, an improved version of all my
    temporary soul mates, and I just hope I find him before 2030.

Rolling in puppies: How I’ve changed and why puppies are so much better than kids

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One day, in your twenties you realize how much you’ve changed, your priorities are not the same, and you need to make some changes. 27 years and one very hard and complicated immigration process later, I can say that:

–          I no longer care what people who are not my friends think about me, I don’t even want to be Facebook friends with people that I think are mean, stupid, silly or simply don’t bring anything positive to my life. Yes, this goes to you mean girl that laughed at me in High School, silly girl that writes status such as “At home”, “Having dinner with my boyfriend @whatshisname I love you baby” and the legendary “I’m hungry”.

–          10 good friends are more than enough: I don’t need more friends. If I meet new people, I can hang out, but they’re on probation. Every time I trusted people fast, I ended up in disaster (see posts from a year ago, specifically, the famous 180.

–          The people that you are ellegedly “diplomatic with”, those ones that you put so much effort for, just to maintain an OK relationship, the ones that take up too much time, that don’t bring anything good to your life THEY’RE NOT WORTH IT. In everything that you do in life you have to get something to give something, that guy who you would never ask for advice because he’s insane, but who you still talk to for “old times’ back in 2001 sake” NOT WORTH IT! What did I get for all the hours I lost listening to a loser talk about his one night stands and DUI legal issues? Lost hours and insults when he flipped out about something stupid because he has anger management issues, that’s what I got. DUH!

–          Having children is not a life goal and it’s greatly overrated: After you’ve been through real problems in life, you have a hard time imagining living life with this problems plus raising up children! Children who need to be oriented in life, children who will keep you up at night, who will make you spend so much money in diapers; and later will keep you up at night when they’re partying and you’re praying that they’re not doing drugs or something worse, begging that they only have one drink in high school parties (because no-drinks is too much to ask), and praying that they won’t say that they won’t go to college to go be a professional groupie. Honestly, having a dog is so much more rewarding, dogs love you no matter what, education is easier and cheaper for them, they’re completely consequent and you don’t have to worry about their future, or have “talks” with them.

Don’t get me wrong, if you still think that having children is something you want to do, please go ahead; but consider everything before you decide. STOP HAVING CHILDREN BECAUSE BABIES ARE CUTE. DOGS ARE CUTE…FOREVER.

I’m still not sure if I want to have children, for now, a lifetime of rolling in puppies sounds good (see Peter Griffin’s dream below)