Category Archives: Break up

Text break ups are underrated

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Not the best example

Not the best example

Breaking up sucks most of the time, even when you agree that it’s the right thing to do, rejection always stinks more than the bathroom at a cheap pub. Now there is so many options for breaking up: starting with the text and finishing with the ceremonial break up dinner.
I am a great supporter of the short and sweet text break ups because I don’t want a whole event made out of me getting rejected. What are we going to do next? A break up party? where you break up in public and after that you take questions from the audience?
Typical, you hear someone saying “at least you deserve that he/she breaks up with you in person”; to me, that sounds like “at least you deserve that your death is painful and slow”.
Lets look at how a regular breakup would go, vs. a text breakup:

REGULAR BREAKUP:

Breaker: (over the phone) We need to talk about our relationship
Breakee: (freaks out) hmmm ok, when?
Breaker: tomorrow
Breakee: ok (can’t sleep and has a horrible night)
The next day…
Breaker: It’s not you, it’s me. I have no time for relationships right now, I need to find myself
Or…
Honest breaker: I’ve met someone hotter, I’ve met someone with more money, you’re too dumb, your boobs are too small
Breakee: whyyy? Oohh why???
Breaker: I am sorry, don’t cry!
Breakee: (cries and then goes home humiliated, to cry some more and watch something like Bridget Jones or The Holiday)
THE END

TEXT BREAK UP

Breaker: I don’t want to see you again
Breakee: OK

See? Short and sweet, no humiliation needed. In case there is still doubt, I’ll list the benefits of a text break up:
– If you cry no one sees you/ If someone is crying for you, you’ll never know
– You can be honest (or pretend) that you also wanted to break up/ you can pretend that you believe them
– You have time to think about questions that you want to ask/ you have time to think about your answers
– If you REALLY want to follow up and ask for an explanation, you can arrange to do that later (who wants a further explanation on why this person doesn’t want you?)
– You don’t have to sit through the most awkward meal ever, or pack your food to go mid-bite so you can go home and cry.
– People don’t have to watch you break-up/ that can actually be fun for the other people that are watching.

Conclusion: text break ups are the way to go, please don’t do the “Break up post it” a la Berger from Sex and the City, that is just tacky.

What are your Break Up tips? Or funny experiences that you’d like to share?

berger

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Romantic or Psycho: a tutorial for dummies

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stalker

You’d think that this is common sense, but apparently for some men, it is hard to figure out: When do you stop being cute and romantic and start being a stalker?
Once I heard that if a guy that you like acts insistent, it’s romantic; but when you don’t like the guy it’s stalkerish, and I agree to an extent. But what happens when a guy you like makes you fly away faster than an angry bird?

Here is a tutorial that will show guys the difference, the line is not so thin guys!:

– Begging to get someone back after screwing up: romantic
– Begging to get someone back 3 times a day, while using different “ routines” and one day acting all sad and the next one putting yourself down to reverse psychology the crap out of the poor lady: psycho

– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ”: romantic
– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ” after she broke up with you a month ago and you haven’t talked, and she has an App on her phone to block you: psycho

– Adding your girlfriend to Linked In and following her on Twitter: romantic
– Stalking your ex on Linked In after she has blocked your from any other social media tool, trying to conclude if she is dating someone from her posts and texting her to say that you’re glad she didn’t delete you: Psycho

– Showing up at your girlfriend’s place with flowers: romantic
– Showing up at your ex-girlfriend’s place with flowers after she has a restraining order against you and takes the back stairs after her classes in order to avoid you: psycho

These are only a few examples, but the general rule is that if someone is yelling at you or running the other direction when they see you, it may be safe to conclude that you are not, I repeat, you are not in a happy relationship with them anymore. Please don’t make us yell “stranger danger” or call the police when we see you.
It might be hard to figure out for some people but changing your attitude three times a day is a “no no”, so if you’re yelling at noon and crying at night, you should start seeing someone often, and that someone is a therapist.

WORST THINGS TO SAY TO SOMEONE THAT IS SINGLE /BEST RESPONSES TO SHUT SOMEONE UP WHEN YOU’RE SINGLE

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old maidWhy are you still single?
I used to lock my boyfriends in a basement; one of them escaped and told others, no one wants to date me now.

Wow! You’re biological clock must be ticking now.
No, what is ticking is a bomb that’s on my purse, I’d run if I were you

Your great aunt Whatever is old and alone, never got married and she had the saddest life, be careful!
Good point! I’ll just go smoke and drink alone to make sure I don’t get to that age

Who keeps you company on a lonely afternoon?
My imaginary friend Mary, she comes over and we have tea, she’s sitting right next to you right now!

I don’t see why you’re single when you’re so pretty.
Maybe not shaving my armpits and not wearing deodorant has something to do with it.

When are you planning on getting married?
If you get me a husband for my birthday, I’ll get married that day. Please order with time to spare in order to plan a big wedding.

And then the last one, from Sex and the City:

Charlotte: You have to take risks so you don’t wind up an old maid.
Carrie: Oh! That’s right. Must not wind up old maid. How will l remember that? Does anybody have a pen?

Tired of being Ted (Of How I met your mother)

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Have you ever seen I met your mother? It is a cute show that can be sometimes funny, but mostly just entertaining, I love this show and I think I know why, I AM TED.

Surrounded by super stable relationships that have lasted many years, friends who sleep around and serial daters, Ted is the guy who only dates special people, so he remains single most of the time and then has a few very meaningful relationships that end because of dramatic and profound reasons that make a good sitcom storyline, that’s me, Ted. Nice to meet you!

A#$%les don’t last long in my life (one date at most actually) and none of my exes are (a@#$@les, that is), all of them are great guys with whom I remain friends with, yes, real friends, not “I think we would be better as friends, but then I’ll never talk to you again because this is just something I say to people to make the break-up less hurtful”, I am pretty sure that I’ll be friends with this last guy too, great friends actually.

Me and my exes give each other life advice, professional advice, joke around and even give support through break ups, yes, believe it or not.

Sure, I do have great memories of exes that make me happy and sad (at the same time) during times of loneliness and I have no stories that will help me participate on “Bad Boyfriend Poker” and earn prizes on the radio (You’ll get this if you’re from Toronto and drive to work in the morning), but this is starting to feel like I’m at the Olympics, I am competing rarely and always come in second place. Come on! Everyone knows that losing is easier if you see that you didn’t have a chance,

 I am  the silver medal of “Happily ever after”.  I’m constantly “almost there”, really close to successful relationship territory, I am in “We have 90% of the things that we need to spend the rest of our life together and be super happy” territory, I am the queen of that region actually, and I’m a great ruler, come visit soon!

But if Ted and I have something in common, is that we are dreamers, this makes us always fight to make it work, but also helps us to keep the faith 🙂 there has to be someone out there who is looking for another Ted!

I just met you, and dating is crazy, so I won’t give my number, call me NEVER

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Dating S.U.C.K.S, honestly. You stress about what to wear, what to say, how to act, how much info to reveal, then you blink and it’s over, and you just had 10 mins of fun.

For me, it’s always a situation on which the reasons to break up are “mild”, nothing too dramatic, the most common scenario for me so far would be when the guy is nice but lacking a little bit of emocional intelligence (the maturity of a 5 year old watching Teletubbies).

To prove that dating sucks and we should all remain celibate or bring back arranged marriages, I’ll give you some percentages and facts that come from totally reliable sources:

-Dating is like making a very bad investment with high risk, where you put all your money and have a chance of 0.000000001% of getting it back, and you don’t even know how much of it you’ll get back! maybe you’re making all this effort for a dollar. And the 99.9999% chance of things sucking presents different posible endings, that of course stink like a bag of uncooked shrimp left in the sun for 2 days; like getting cheated on, things endind abruptly when you thought they were going well and they said that they loved you an hour before, someone breaking up with you right after sleeping with you, him breaking up with you by showing you a hickey from another girl,  you breaking up with him when you find texts from a girl showing her boobies or someone breaking up with you stating stupid reasons when you know that it’s sooooo their lost because they’re fat, ugly and broke. (all true stories that happened to people I know).

– You end up in dates that seem like a bad episode of a sitcom, or even worse, a reality show. You can meet one of those guys with anger issues that throw bottles at the waitress when they don’t get the ketchup fast; or the guy that burns himself with cigarrettes because the girl he likes doesn’t want to be with him (for this and more examples, watch The Real World Saint Thomas). You could meet a guy that acts like he’s on a date with his car and not you, or the guy who thinks vegetarianism is a myth, or the guy that hates mushrooms and people who eat them (please check my previous post, The Mushroom Guy)

– Even if it goes well, you honestly have a good time 20% of the time,and that is being generous the other 80% you’re just busy overthinking small details and things that he said and how he said them, and struggling about being tolerant about his lack of punctuality, never offering to wash dishes; or bigger problems like him being drunk all the time or forgeting to put some of  that dust covered Old Spice deodorant that he keeps in the back of the bathroom cabinet.

– How the f@#$#@ are you supposed to make plans that make 2 different people happy, at the same time? That is how you end in car shows falling asleep on top of the Ferrari because you’re so bored. Hell, how are you even supposed to hold a conversation when so many comments could make things go wrong, everytime you open your mouth the posibility of saying the wrong thing is 99.9%.

I’m thinking of putting together a “First Date Questionnaire”, it won’t really have the usual questions like: where do you see yourself in 20 years? but things that are more important that we never ask, such as:

– What is your view of a great relationship:

a. Dating 3 or 4 girls at the same time, since I get different things from each one of them

b. I just want to get married and get it over with, and have 15 kids

c. I want to be prince Charming to my Cinderella with little birds chirping and squirrels talking to us about how great our love is

d. I have a normal view, having fun and respecting each other

this.is.me.venting

All those songs about stalking that are cool right now

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Today I was noticing all the songs about co-dependance and stalking that are on the Top 40 right now. Funny enough, all of them are sung by girls, because if guys sang about abduction and obsession, people would be worried right? But a girl that hides in the bushes in front of his ex’s house and has lots of tapes of “Dexter” in her apartment.

First, Carly Rae keeps on entertaining us, after we got sick of her “Call me Maybe”, and after she got busy with 4 or 5 (fake?) alerts of photos in compromising positions (aka. Naked), she decides to gift us her song “Curiosity”, this is one is like “Call me maybe”, but now she gets the guy and begs him to NEVER let her go, maybe if you stop singing Carly, maybe then. Honestly, is this supposed to be romantic? I guess that marrying a guy that has you on lockdown is a dream come true now. Is having to ask for permission to go to the mall, the new fairytale?

Then, there is the other side of the story, this girl who is a kidnapper apparently, she has this guy on handcuffs so he can’t leave her, in this case. Then again, she is starting to sounds like a woman version of Chris Brown, is no one bothered by this?, if her next song contains the words “Duck Tape” and “chloroform “, then we should definitely start to get worried.

Actually, this last song is pretty cool, (asides from the co-dependance and kidnapping as a pick up technique), but I couldn’t Google this girls name because there is like 60 songs with this name! Some of them are very old and one of them is about Jesus…

 PS: I find Kristin Steward cheating very amusing, the perfect ending to the co-dependant stalkerish relationship between Edward and Bella. There was no other way (sigh)  Image

Ross and Rachel from Friends are the worst relationship role model ever

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Recently, I am watching Friends (thanks to my friend who lent me the DVD’s). I like to watch a little bit of TV before bed and since now I live alone and I can’t afford (and it would be stupid considering the size of my place) to get another TV for my room, I am watching Friends in my tiny DVD player.

This show, that I like to call “the most overrated show on TV”, is somehow entertaining. I had missed many episodes when it first aired and now things make even less sense, specially relationships. And after reading Jennifer Aniston’s interview in some magazine that said: “I am sure that Ross and Rachel are together now and have more kids”, this made me want to tell her: “no, such immature people cannot hold a mature relationship”.

This couple was 30 and they acted like 15 year olds, I can’t picture a couple that invented hand signals to curse at each other after being in bed together 15 minutes before, raising their 2 sons and their daughter in a house in the suburbs. I am sure that Rachel list of last names would make Liz Taylor feel envious and that she’d share divorce lawyers with Madonna and one of the ladies from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

The saddest thing about this is how I’ve watched couples fighting like this, and now I just wonder: have some people suffered permanent mental damage from watching too many sitcoms? When you refer to  your boyfriend as pig, dog, or any kind of animal and then you’re still with him; or when you have screaming fights in the line to get into a club; or when you pour too much salt on their meal; or jump in bed and unmake the bed that they just spend a couple minutes obsessive-compulsively making (true story); say this to yourself I AM NOT IN A SITCOM. If you have fights that other people would find funny, you’re just a loser, you’re not a Kardashian, you won’t get a reality show. If you broke up because you wrote a 15 pages letter that your boyfriend didn’t read, and if you only wanted him back when he was with someone else (even after he said your name in his wedding!), please realize that just because Snooki is pregnant and getting married, that doesn’t mean that you can jump from total immaturity to raising a family.

Like my dad used to say “You can choose between being Paris Hilton or Ivanka Trump”, I get the point now dad, Thanks!

People that change is a bigger urban myth than the Loch Ness monster

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First, I want to make this very clear, when I say change I am talking about a complete removal of a negative attitude, behaviour or belief. I do believe that people can improve themselves and slightly modify their character. You can modify only like 5% of your character and that isn’t easy.

Everyone grows up and matures, but to actually make a change you need to follow difficult and time consuming steps:

  1. Actually knowing what is wrong with you: There is some people that no matter how obvious their problems are, no matter how many people hate them and avoid them, how many similarities they have with a fairy tale villain, how much their attitudes differ from basic moral behaviour, how many lives they have damaged…they don’t know that they got a problem. Yes, it is true, the girl that can’t finish a sentence without gossiping, the person that thinks that if it doesn’t damage them it’s OK to do it, and the boss that no one wants to sit next to at meetings, they may not know that they’re batsh@#t crazy.
  2. Accepting that aspect of you that is “wrong” as part of a whole that makes you “YOU”: You’ll never change completely. You can become another person as easily as you can change your ethnicity and height (high heels don’t count), deal with it, you’ll never be Heidi Klum.
  3. Taking small steps to adapt and modify this behaviour in order for you to be happier, or in some occasions only so you can co-exist in society without traumatizing people with behaviours such as showing cleavage as low as Jlo’s at the Grammys, or talking non-stop all day at work about your new diet and showing people your new flat abs.

These steps are not easy, and since most people are stuck on step No. 1 and may think that keeping a secret is so 1990, or that loyalty is for dogs; and because changing is SO HARD and you can only change a little, save yourself some suffering and just accept people as they are or run.

If your friend criticizes your outfit and hair every time you see her or makes you buy clothing that you can’t afford, she won’t change. If your boyfriend thinks that being faithful consists of you not catching him with someone else, he won’t change. If your friend calls you to talk about herself for half and hour and fails to ask the question: “and how are you doing?”, she won’t change.

All the conversations that can be translated as “please change for me” are a complete waste of time, you can discuss one mistake, but does it really sound logic to discuss values, ways of thinking or personalities? NOPE

Infallible solution to get over someone: start seeing him as a different person (if he’s a loser, it’s even easier)

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Unless your break up was a big mistake and he is the love of your life (in this case run, go get him!), I am sure that now you have at least one good reason or a list of reasons why things didn’t work and weren’t meant to be, and shouldn’t be. Everyone deserves an initial period of sadness and grief, but after that, why don’t you use all those reasons as ammunition to get over him?, I’ll explain how. When you fall for someone, you see them in an ideal way, you see all the good in them, they’re the cutest guy in the world, you love how they make you feel, every moment is magical, etc, etc. But then, at the moment when you break up, or he breaks up you see another side, it is either an evil side that you had never noticed (he has the maturity of Snooki [or her drinking habits], the ego of Kanye West, or the ability of falling in and out of love of Kim Kardashian) or something that makes you and him incompatible (you are a vegetarian, he thinks that cows live in a spa before dying [true story], or he thinks that alcohol is evil, or maybe he’s one of those homophobes that likes to occasionally slap his male friends in the butt [true story]). Now that you think about it, this new person that he is now for you, isn’t it a lot different than the guy that you fell for? Completely different person, and he’s not your burden or problem anymore. Whatever the reason why things didn’t work is, I’m pretty sure there is a reason, and in some cases, there might even be a lot of disappointment on your side, that makes your case even easier.

OK, so to get over someone you just have to “REALIZE THAT THERE IS A GOOD AND LOGICAL REASON WHY YOU’RE NOT TOGETHER, WHAT HAPPENED IS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED AND IT IS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU”. Work on seeing him as a different person, a person with all these flaws that you didn’t see before, or/and a person with whom you are incompatible and you wouldn’t be happy together long term.

Follow these steps:

  1. You have grieved already, so now, without any feelings that match the ones of a character from a Greek tragedy, without sleeping in fetal position or crying in the shower, just think objectively about all of those reasons. It wasn’t meant to be and the sooner it ends the better.
  2. Reflect on the things that this relationship taught you and work on improving yourself.
  3. Reflect on the things that this guy had that you never ever want to look for again in any other guy in the future, make a quick mental note to run like the wind whenever you see this.

This method works, the key is to allow yourself to have enough grieving time before you do this and then lather, rinse and repeat… and then improve your taste in men, and work hard in not being a psycho yourself.

There is always red flags: if it walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, and looks like a duck….

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First I want to clarify that I’ve lied to myself too, only to discover that there were flags that I ignored, I am not saying that I am inmune  to this.

We’ve all heard stories about guys who were perfect, and one day turn evil, perfect boyfriends and husbands that turned out to be serial killers, or pedophiles; or most commonly, they turn out to be cheaters and liars, had other wives, etc.

Well, I don’t believe those stories, I don’t believe that you could be married to Dr. Hyde and one day get My. Jekyll. I’m not referring to someone who makes one mistake; I am talking about an entire time period of pretending, lying or cheating.

To live parallel lives and hide that he had a completely different personality, morals and beliefs and cover that up flawlessly, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT, and I’ll tell you why:

ARE YOU REALLY THAT SURPRISED? REALLY?

Most of the time, after break ups and disappointments about someone, I like to reflect on the learnings for the future (how to prevent this from happening again), well, when I do that, I’ve always found red flags, in every case, every occasion. Are you really that surprised that they guy who said that he admired his sister for having 2 boyfriends without them knowing cheated on you? That the guy whose friends are all liars and party boys lied to you? That the friend that was always upset when you did good in life betrayed you? Really?

This seems logical, but sometimes we forget: we should invest our times and feelings on a person for what they are, not for what they should be or could be, or for what we want them to be. If someone is always talks about themselves and not you, leaves you waiting and cancels at the last minute, expecting consideration is really stupid. If when you told your friend that you were getting married, she started listing all your boyfriend’s flaws and faults and asked you if you were sure you wanted to that, ehem, maybe she’s not a sincere friend.

The red flags are there and we (yes, I include myself) choose to ignore them.

HOW GOOD OF AN ACTOR CAN HE/SHE BE? HOW ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW PEOPLE?

If there were people in real life that could have a fake personality 24/7 and find the perfect lie and excuse for every time they are somewhere else (or with someone else), getting an Oscar would mean nothing.

Come on! How many different (credible) excuses can a guy make for coming home at midnight 4 nights a week, RED BILLBOARD THERE!

And then there is the really important matter of values, a girl who always envies other people, who has betrayed all her friends, can and will not pretend permanently with you to be a super nice person that cares about others unconditionally. I am very sure that before she put Nair on your shampoo she talked sh#@$ about other girls in front of you, and you innocently thought that you were the exception….

HOW ABOUT YOUR 6TH SENSE/INTUITION/SMELL FOR SOMETHING FISHY?

How many times can you be lied to your face without you noticing anything? Not many, I believe.

How many men can cheat and hide all traces, and look at you the same way and act the same way they always did before cheating? Same answer

How many men can be serial cheaters and do the same thing to 6 girlfriends before you without you knowing? Same answer

There is always a change, something that sounds weird, dates that don’t’ match, explanations that don’t make sense, if there weren’t there would be a lot of perfect crimes in the world.

If you think that someone can turn evil overnight without being a werewolf, you are discounting all the time that you spent with them, your intuition and smarts and basically saying that they’ve got the acting stills of Al Pacino (whom I love FYI).

Mathematically, if someone is covering up for an entire personality or living a double life 24/7, there are too many mistakes that they can make for you not to catch ANY, basic probability laws.