Category Archives: bad dates

Text break ups are underrated

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Not the best example

Not the best example

Breaking up sucks most of the time, even when you agree that it’s the right thing to do, rejection always stinks more than the bathroom at a cheap pub. Now there is so many options for breaking up: starting with the text and finishing with the ceremonial break up dinner.
I am a great supporter of the short and sweet text break ups because I don’t want a whole event made out of me getting rejected. What are we going to do next? A break up party? where you break up in public and after that you take questions from the audience?
Typical, you hear someone saying “at least you deserve that he/she breaks up with you in person”; to me, that sounds like “at least you deserve that your death is painful and slow”.
Lets look at how a regular breakup would go, vs. a text breakup:

REGULAR BREAKUP:

Breaker: (over the phone) We need to talk about our relationship
Breakee: (freaks out) hmmm ok, when?
Breaker: tomorrow
Breakee: ok (can’t sleep and has a horrible night)
The next day…
Breaker: It’s not you, it’s me. I have no time for relationships right now, I need to find myself
Or…
Honest breaker: I’ve met someone hotter, I’ve met someone with more money, you’re too dumb, your boobs are too small
Breakee: whyyy? Oohh why???
Breaker: I am sorry, don’t cry!
Breakee: (cries and then goes home humiliated, to cry some more and watch something like Bridget Jones or The Holiday)
THE END

TEXT BREAK UP

Breaker: I don’t want to see you again
Breakee: OK

See? Short and sweet, no humiliation needed. In case there is still doubt, I’ll list the benefits of a text break up:
– If you cry no one sees you/ If someone is crying for you, you’ll never know
– You can be honest (or pretend) that you also wanted to break up/ you can pretend that you believe them
– You have time to think about questions that you want to ask/ you have time to think about your answers
– If you REALLY want to follow up and ask for an explanation, you can arrange to do that later (who wants a further explanation on why this person doesn’t want you?)
– You don’t have to sit through the most awkward meal ever, or pack your food to go mid-bite so you can go home and cry.
– People don’t have to watch you break-up/ that can actually be fun for the other people that are watching.

Conclusion: text break ups are the way to go, please don’t do the “Break up post it” a la Berger from Sex and the City, that is just tacky.

What are your Break Up tips? Or funny experiences that you’d like to share?

berger

Romantic or Psycho: a tutorial for dummies

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stalker

You’d think that this is common sense, but apparently for some men, it is hard to figure out: When do you stop being cute and romantic and start being a stalker?
Once I heard that if a guy that you like acts insistent, it’s romantic; but when you don’t like the guy it’s stalkerish, and I agree to an extent. But what happens when a guy you like makes you fly away faster than an angry bird?

Here is a tutorial that will show guys the difference, the line is not so thin guys!:

– Begging to get someone back after screwing up: romantic
– Begging to get someone back 3 times a day, while using different “ routines” and one day acting all sad and the next one putting yourself down to reverse psychology the crap out of the poor lady: psycho

– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ”: romantic
– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ” after she broke up with you a month ago and you haven’t talked, and she has an App on her phone to block you: psycho

– Adding your girlfriend to Linked In and following her on Twitter: romantic
– Stalking your ex on Linked In after she has blocked your from any other social media tool, trying to conclude if she is dating someone from her posts and texting her to say that you’re glad she didn’t delete you: Psycho

– Showing up at your girlfriend’s place with flowers: romantic
– Showing up at your ex-girlfriend’s place with flowers after she has a restraining order against you and takes the back stairs after her classes in order to avoid you: psycho

These are only a few examples, but the general rule is that if someone is yelling at you or running the other direction when they see you, it may be safe to conclude that you are not, I repeat, you are not in a happy relationship with them anymore. Please don’t make us yell “stranger danger” or call the police when we see you.
It might be hard to figure out for some people but changing your attitude three times a day is a “no no”, so if you’re yelling at noon and crying at night, you should start seeing someone often, and that someone is a therapist.

WORST THINGS TO SAY TO SOMEONE THAT IS SINGLE /BEST RESPONSES TO SHUT SOMEONE UP WHEN YOU’RE SINGLE

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old maidWhy are you still single?
I used to lock my boyfriends in a basement; one of them escaped and told others, no one wants to date me now.

Wow! You’re biological clock must be ticking now.
No, what is ticking is a bomb that’s on my purse, I’d run if I were you

Your great aunt Whatever is old and alone, never got married and she had the saddest life, be careful!
Good point! I’ll just go smoke and drink alone to make sure I don’t get to that age

Who keeps you company on a lonely afternoon?
My imaginary friend Mary, she comes over and we have tea, she’s sitting right next to you right now!

I don’t see why you’re single when you’re so pretty.
Maybe not shaving my armpits and not wearing deodorant has something to do with it.

When are you planning on getting married?
If you get me a husband for my birthday, I’ll get married that day. Please order with time to spare in order to plan a big wedding.

And then the last one, from Sex and the City:

Charlotte: You have to take risks so you don’t wind up an old maid.
Carrie: Oh! That’s right. Must not wind up old maid. How will l remember that? Does anybody have a pen?

Tired of being Ted (Of How I met your mother)

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Have you ever seen I met your mother? It is a cute show that can be sometimes funny, but mostly just entertaining, I love this show and I think I know why, I AM TED.

Surrounded by super stable relationships that have lasted many years, friends who sleep around and serial daters, Ted is the guy who only dates special people, so he remains single most of the time and then has a few very meaningful relationships that end because of dramatic and profound reasons that make a good sitcom storyline, that’s me, Ted. Nice to meet you!

A#$%les don’t last long in my life (one date at most actually) and none of my exes are (a@#$@les, that is), all of them are great guys with whom I remain friends with, yes, real friends, not “I think we would be better as friends, but then I’ll never talk to you again because this is just something I say to people to make the break-up less hurtful”, I am pretty sure that I’ll be friends with this last guy too, great friends actually.

Me and my exes give each other life advice, professional advice, joke around and even give support through break ups, yes, believe it or not.

Sure, I do have great memories of exes that make me happy and sad (at the same time) during times of loneliness and I have no stories that will help me participate on “Bad Boyfriend Poker” and earn prizes on the radio (You’ll get this if you’re from Toronto and drive to work in the morning), but this is starting to feel like I’m at the Olympics, I am competing rarely and always come in second place. Come on! Everyone knows that losing is easier if you see that you didn’t have a chance,

 I am  the silver medal of “Happily ever after”.  I’m constantly “almost there”, really close to successful relationship territory, I am in “We have 90% of the things that we need to spend the rest of our life together and be super happy” territory, I am the queen of that region actually, and I’m a great ruler, come visit soon!

But if Ted and I have something in common, is that we are dreamers, this makes us always fight to make it work, but also helps us to keep the faith 🙂 there has to be someone out there who is looking for another Ted!

I just met you, and dating is crazy, so I won’t give my number, call me NEVER

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Dating S.U.C.K.S, honestly. You stress about what to wear, what to say, how to act, how much info to reveal, then you blink and it’s over, and you just had 10 mins of fun.

For me, it’s always a situation on which the reasons to break up are “mild”, nothing too dramatic, the most common scenario for me so far would be when the guy is nice but lacking a little bit of emocional intelligence (the maturity of a 5 year old watching Teletubbies).

To prove that dating sucks and we should all remain celibate or bring back arranged marriages, I’ll give you some percentages and facts that come from totally reliable sources:

-Dating is like making a very bad investment with high risk, where you put all your money and have a chance of 0.000000001% of getting it back, and you don’t even know how much of it you’ll get back! maybe you’re making all this effort for a dollar. And the 99.9999% chance of things sucking presents different posible endings, that of course stink like a bag of uncooked shrimp left in the sun for 2 days; like getting cheated on, things endind abruptly when you thought they were going well and they said that they loved you an hour before, someone breaking up with you right after sleeping with you, him breaking up with you by showing you a hickey from another girl,  you breaking up with him when you find texts from a girl showing her boobies or someone breaking up with you stating stupid reasons when you know that it’s sooooo their lost because they’re fat, ugly and broke. (all true stories that happened to people I know).

– You end up in dates that seem like a bad episode of a sitcom, or even worse, a reality show. You can meet one of those guys with anger issues that throw bottles at the waitress when they don’t get the ketchup fast; or the guy that burns himself with cigarrettes because the girl he likes doesn’t want to be with him (for this and more examples, watch The Real World Saint Thomas). You could meet a guy that acts like he’s on a date with his car and not you, or the guy who thinks vegetarianism is a myth, or the guy that hates mushrooms and people who eat them (please check my previous post, The Mushroom Guy)

– Even if it goes well, you honestly have a good time 20% of the time,and that is being generous the other 80% you’re just busy overthinking small details and things that he said and how he said them, and struggling about being tolerant about his lack of punctuality, never offering to wash dishes; or bigger problems like him being drunk all the time or forgeting to put some of  that dust covered Old Spice deodorant that he keeps in the back of the bathroom cabinet.

– How the f@#$#@ are you supposed to make plans that make 2 different people happy, at the same time? That is how you end in car shows falling asleep on top of the Ferrari because you’re so bored. Hell, how are you even supposed to hold a conversation when so many comments could make things go wrong, everytime you open your mouth the posibility of saying the wrong thing is 99.9%.

I’m thinking of putting together a “First Date Questionnaire”, it won’t really have the usual questions like: where do you see yourself in 20 years? but things that are more important that we never ask, such as:

– What is your view of a great relationship:

a. Dating 3 or 4 girls at the same time, since I get different things from each one of them

b. I just want to get married and get it over with, and have 15 kids

c. I want to be prince Charming to my Cinderella with little birds chirping and squirrels talking to us about how great our love is

d. I have a normal view, having fun and respecting each other

this.is.me.venting

The naked man from How I met your mother, happened in real life

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If you have now idea what this is, on an episode of How I met your mother, a guy talks about this move, “the naked man” that consists of just waiting for a girl, naked, 2 out of 3 times she’ll sleep with you (source: HIMY trusted statistics). This is Barney commenting about THE move: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB_6tVjvJw8. Well, the guys try this move on that episode.

I know that some guys want to feel like they live in a movie or a TV show, maybe you can get some ideas that you can apply on real life, well, one guy thought that it was a good idea to prove the vailidity of “The Naked Man”.

This happened to a friend, a very nice and innocent friend who trusts everyone. A friend of her friend, a guy that she has many years of knowing, but never was close friends with, lets call him Dummy, said that he was too far from home, and needed a place to stay. Her, as then nice innocent person she is(and since she introduced him to his current girlfriend), offered him a place to stay; he proceded to pull the “naked man” move and tell her to “come here”. I believe that the events that followed were interpreted in radically different ways by both of them, it went something like this:

EVENT: She offered him a place to stay

HE THOUGHT: Finally! I’m sleeping with her, I knew that she wanted me

SHE THOUGHT: I’ll just offer him a place to stay, does my hair look frizzy todat? hmmm

EVENT: She went to the bathroom

HE THOUGHT: This is the moment I was waiting for! I’ll take my clothes off and I’ll wait for her on a very sexy pose that shows my abs, I am the greatest when it comes to seduction tecniques!

SHE THOUGHT: I’ll put on my granny pj’s, the ones with the dinosaours, oh! I’ll brush my teeth and put on the face mask that I bought and I haven’t tried yet

EVENT: She comes out of the bathroom in granny pj’s

HE THOUGHT: She’s just playing hard to get! I’ll have to say something clever (and he said: “come here baby”), cleverest phrase ever!

SHE THOUGHT:WTF, I want to puke. I want to kill him, and puke, what do I do first?

After all these events, after she convinced him to put his clothes back on, he proceded to ask is she was angry, when she said “no”, he thought it was a good idea to ask her again if she would sleep with him. This guy has game!

The naked man didn’t work this time, I guess this is 1 out of 3 times…

I wonder where this guy gets other ideas to apply to his life, maybe he takes grooming and fashion advice from Jersey Shore, and in the future, marriage tips from the Kardashians and parenting advice from Toddlers and Tiaras…

All those songs about stalking that are cool right now

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Today I was noticing all the songs about co-dependance and stalking that are on the Top 40 right now. Funny enough, all of them are sung by girls, because if guys sang about abduction and obsession, people would be worried right? But a girl that hides in the bushes in front of his ex’s house and has lots of tapes of “Dexter” in her apartment.

First, Carly Rae keeps on entertaining us, after we got sick of her “Call me Maybe”, and after she got busy with 4 or 5 (fake?) alerts of photos in compromising positions (aka. Naked), she decides to gift us her song “Curiosity”, this is one is like “Call me maybe”, but now she gets the guy and begs him to NEVER let her go, maybe if you stop singing Carly, maybe then. Honestly, is this supposed to be romantic? I guess that marrying a guy that has you on lockdown is a dream come true now. Is having to ask for permission to go to the mall, the new fairytale?

Then, there is the other side of the story, this girl who is a kidnapper apparently, she has this guy on handcuffs so he can’t leave her, in this case. Then again, she is starting to sounds like a woman version of Chris Brown, is no one bothered by this?, if her next song contains the words “Duck Tape” and “chloroform “, then we should definitely start to get worried.

Actually, this last song is pretty cool, (asides from the co-dependance and kidnapping as a pick up technique), but I couldn’t Google this girls name because there is like 60 songs with this name! Some of them are very old and one of them is about Jesus…

 PS: I find Kristin Steward cheating very amusing, the perfect ending to the co-dependant stalkerish relationship between Edward and Bella. There was no other way (sigh)  Image

How drunk do you have to be to ask a stranger out on Linked In?, and other repressed frustrations

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If you are afraid of asking someone out, if you think that they might reject you, YOU MAY BE RIGHT! If someone has never given you the time of day or looked at you, and if the girl is even mean to you, most likely she will reject you, and you should avoid that if you’re smart.Image

If you are a normal guy, you’ll try to interact in a light way in person, electronically, etc etc, to see what her reaction towards you is; if she ignores you or looks at you like you’re something that the cat dragged in, why would you go ahead and ask her out?

Yesterday a guy that I don’t know asked me out on Linked In, I added him because he worked on the same place where I work, but his picture was taken from really far away, he could have been anyone, well, anyone that’s ugly, even from far away, he looked ugly.

This event made me mad, if he is so afraid of asking me out in person, why would he ask me out in the first place? I choose to ignore him, because what would I say? Even if he was attractive physically, I don’t know who he is! And this attempt to ask me out seems like he knows that his chances are slim and didn’t want to risk a rejection, so the most effort he’d do was a message on a business networking site. I guess this is like buying a raffle ticket with other 200 people, you never expect that you’ll win. Not that I am such an amazing prize, but this guy seems very pathetic, and having balls is a must on my list.

Anonymous guy, thanks, your actions are exactly designed to cause a very uncomfortable situation in the hallway, if I knew who he was lol, I guess it will be uncomfortable for him. I just wish with all my heart that this is the end of it.

Congrats man, you for sure know how to make a first good impression, now I know that you were stalking my desk to write down the exact spelling of my last name, then you stalked me on Linked in, but you are such a good decision maker than you thought that all of that was better than just trying to start a conversation with me.

Ross and Rachel from Friends are the worst relationship role model ever

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Recently, I am watching Friends (thanks to my friend who lent me the DVD’s). I like to watch a little bit of TV before bed and since now I live alone and I can’t afford (and it would be stupid considering the size of my place) to get another TV for my room, I am watching Friends in my tiny DVD player.

This show, that I like to call “the most overrated show on TV”, is somehow entertaining. I had missed many episodes when it first aired and now things make even less sense, specially relationships. And after reading Jennifer Aniston’s interview in some magazine that said: “I am sure that Ross and Rachel are together now and have more kids”, this made me want to tell her: “no, such immature people cannot hold a mature relationship”.

This couple was 30 and they acted like 15 year olds, I can’t picture a couple that invented hand signals to curse at each other after being in bed together 15 minutes before, raising their 2 sons and their daughter in a house in the suburbs. I am sure that Rachel list of last names would make Liz Taylor feel envious and that she’d share divorce lawyers with Madonna and one of the ladies from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

The saddest thing about this is how I’ve watched couples fighting like this, and now I just wonder: have some people suffered permanent mental damage from watching too many sitcoms? When you refer to  your boyfriend as pig, dog, or any kind of animal and then you’re still with him; or when you have screaming fights in the line to get into a club; or when you pour too much salt on their meal; or jump in bed and unmake the bed that they just spend a couple minutes obsessive-compulsively making (true story); say this to yourself I AM NOT IN A SITCOM. If you have fights that other people would find funny, you’re just a loser, you’re not a Kardashian, you won’t get a reality show. If you broke up because you wrote a 15 pages letter that your boyfriend didn’t read, and if you only wanted him back when he was with someone else (even after he said your name in his wedding!), please realize that just because Snooki is pregnant and getting married, that doesn’t mean that you can jump from total immaturity to raising a family.

Like my dad used to say “You can choose between being Paris Hilton or Ivanka Trump”, I get the point now dad, Thanks!

Nothing says I love you like a necklace that costs more than his pay check…

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…or at least that’s what every ad on the radio, TV and magazine says. Guess you have to break up if the guy gives you a spa certificate, or clothing or a bag (unless it’s Michael Kors of course).

Valentine’s Day is everywhere, and the advertisers are smart! They make you think that planned gifts out of obligation are “in” and you are lame if you don’t get them;  apparently I’m the exception for not getting excited about someone getting me a gift because he has to. It is not because I’m single; I have never celebrated it with guys I’ve dated. Last year I said that I didn’t celebrate it and the guy surprised me with flowers, they were pretty, but I kept on hating this “holiday”.

Why do I hate it, you say? Because I love surprises and gifts that don’t say “I spent a lot of money in you because I feel like I have too because you and society pressured me”, I like gifts and actions that say “I thought of you and did this cute thing for you”. The nicest gifts I’ve gotten have been a homemade “feel better soon” card, a pencil drawn rose with lots of details. And the actions that I remember the most were calling right away when something happened and made me cry, buying me medicine and taking it to my place when I’m sick, etc. You get the point: I DON’T WANT A GIFT OUT OF OBLIGATION.

I am going to defend men in this instance: so now it is socially acceptable to say that you are with a guy for his money, but is not acceptable that a guy is with you because you have an amazing body, hmmm…would it be OK if a guy tells you that you have to exercise your abs more, or put on full make up with fake eyelashes so he keeps on dating you? No; so then why is it acceptable to say that not buying you something expensive, or exactly what you wanted is a deal breaker? And they have to buy you a gift on a made up holiday that smart marketers have sold you. Of course that there is some exceptions, like the guy that called the radio to say that he’d divorce his wife if he didn’t get a PS3 for Christmas.

I think that saying: “I broke up with him because he only gave me a rose for Valentine’s” is equivalent to saying “I broke up with her because her boobs bounce too much”.

If you only get gifts on your Birthday, Valentine’s Day and Christmas, that is a sucky relationship in my books, you are definitely getting gifts out of obligation girl.