Category Archives: bad boys

Text break ups are underrated

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Not the best example

Not the best example

Breaking up sucks most of the time, even when you agree that it’s the right thing to do, rejection always stinks more than the bathroom at a cheap pub. Now there is so many options for breaking up: starting with the text and finishing with the ceremonial break up dinner.
I am a great supporter of the short and sweet text break ups because I don’t want a whole event made out of me getting rejected. What are we going to do next? A break up party? where you break up in public and after that you take questions from the audience?
Typical, you hear someone saying “at least you deserve that he/she breaks up with you in person”; to me, that sounds like “at least you deserve that your death is painful and slow”.
Lets look at how a regular breakup would go, vs. a text breakup:

REGULAR BREAKUP:

Breaker: (over the phone) We need to talk about our relationship
Breakee: (freaks out) hmmm ok, when?
Breaker: tomorrow
Breakee: ok (can’t sleep and has a horrible night)
The next day…
Breaker: It’s not you, it’s me. I have no time for relationships right now, I need to find myself
Or…
Honest breaker: I’ve met someone hotter, I’ve met someone with more money, you’re too dumb, your boobs are too small
Breakee: whyyy? Oohh why???
Breaker: I am sorry, don’t cry!
Breakee: (cries and then goes home humiliated, to cry some more and watch something like Bridget Jones or The Holiday)
THE END

TEXT BREAK UP

Breaker: I don’t want to see you again
Breakee: OK

See? Short and sweet, no humiliation needed. In case there is still doubt, I’ll list the benefits of a text break up:
– If you cry no one sees you/ If someone is crying for you, you’ll never know
– You can be honest (or pretend) that you also wanted to break up/ you can pretend that you believe them
– You have time to think about questions that you want to ask/ you have time to think about your answers
– If you REALLY want to follow up and ask for an explanation, you can arrange to do that later (who wants a further explanation on why this person doesn’t want you?)
– You don’t have to sit through the most awkward meal ever, or pack your food to go mid-bite so you can go home and cry.
– People don’t have to watch you break-up/ that can actually be fun for the other people that are watching.

Conclusion: text break ups are the way to go, please don’t do the “Break up post it” a la Berger from Sex and the City, that is just tacky.

What are your Break Up tips? Or funny experiences that you’d like to share?

berger

Romantic or Psycho: a tutorial for dummies

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stalker

You’d think that this is common sense, but apparently for some men, it is hard to figure out: When do you stop being cute and romantic and start being a stalker?
Once I heard that if a guy that you like acts insistent, it’s romantic; but when you don’t like the guy it’s stalkerish, and I agree to an extent. But what happens when a guy you like makes you fly away faster than an angry bird?

Here is a tutorial that will show guys the difference, the line is not so thin guys!:

– Begging to get someone back after screwing up: romantic
– Begging to get someone back 3 times a day, while using different “ routines” and one day acting all sad and the next one putting yourself down to reverse psychology the crap out of the poor lady: psycho

– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ”: romantic
– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ” after she broke up with you a month ago and you haven’t talked, and she has an App on her phone to block you: psycho

– Adding your girlfriend to Linked In and following her on Twitter: romantic
– Stalking your ex on Linked In after she has blocked your from any other social media tool, trying to conclude if she is dating someone from her posts and texting her to say that you’re glad she didn’t delete you: Psycho

– Showing up at your girlfriend’s place with flowers: romantic
– Showing up at your ex-girlfriend’s place with flowers after she has a restraining order against you and takes the back stairs after her classes in order to avoid you: psycho

These are only a few examples, but the general rule is that if someone is yelling at you or running the other direction when they see you, it may be safe to conclude that you are not, I repeat, you are not in a happy relationship with them anymore. Please don’t make us yell “stranger danger” or call the police when we see you.
It might be hard to figure out for some people but changing your attitude three times a day is a “no no”, so if you’re yelling at noon and crying at night, you should start seeing someone often, and that someone is a therapist.

I just met you, and dating is crazy, so I won’t give my number, call me NEVER

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Dating S.U.C.K.S, honestly. You stress about what to wear, what to say, how to act, how much info to reveal, then you blink and it’s over, and you just had 10 mins of fun.

For me, it’s always a situation on which the reasons to break up are “mild”, nothing too dramatic, the most common scenario for me so far would be when the guy is nice but lacking a little bit of emocional intelligence (the maturity of a 5 year old watching Teletubbies).

To prove that dating sucks and we should all remain celibate or bring back arranged marriages, I’ll give you some percentages and facts that come from totally reliable sources:

-Dating is like making a very bad investment with high risk, where you put all your money and have a chance of 0.000000001% of getting it back, and you don’t even know how much of it you’ll get back! maybe you’re making all this effort for a dollar. And the 99.9999% chance of things sucking presents different posible endings, that of course stink like a bag of uncooked shrimp left in the sun for 2 days; like getting cheated on, things endind abruptly when you thought they were going well and they said that they loved you an hour before, someone breaking up with you right after sleeping with you, him breaking up with you by showing you a hickey from another girl,  you breaking up with him when you find texts from a girl showing her boobies or someone breaking up with you stating stupid reasons when you know that it’s sooooo their lost because they’re fat, ugly and broke. (all true stories that happened to people I know).

– You end up in dates that seem like a bad episode of a sitcom, or even worse, a reality show. You can meet one of those guys with anger issues that throw bottles at the waitress when they don’t get the ketchup fast; or the guy that burns himself with cigarrettes because the girl he likes doesn’t want to be with him (for this and more examples, watch The Real World Saint Thomas). You could meet a guy that acts like he’s on a date with his car and not you, or the guy who thinks vegetarianism is a myth, or the guy that hates mushrooms and people who eat them (please check my previous post, The Mushroom Guy)

– Even if it goes well, you honestly have a good time 20% of the time,and that is being generous the other 80% you’re just busy overthinking small details and things that he said and how he said them, and struggling about being tolerant about his lack of punctuality, never offering to wash dishes; or bigger problems like him being drunk all the time or forgeting to put some of  that dust covered Old Spice deodorant that he keeps in the back of the bathroom cabinet.

– How the f@#$#@ are you supposed to make plans that make 2 different people happy, at the same time? That is how you end in car shows falling asleep on top of the Ferrari because you’re so bored. Hell, how are you even supposed to hold a conversation when so many comments could make things go wrong, everytime you open your mouth the posibility of saying the wrong thing is 99.9%.

I’m thinking of putting together a “First Date Questionnaire”, it won’t really have the usual questions like: where do you see yourself in 20 years? but things that are more important that we never ask, such as:

– What is your view of a great relationship:

a. Dating 3 or 4 girls at the same time, since I get different things from each one of them

b. I just want to get married and get it over with, and have 15 kids

c. I want to be prince Charming to my Cinderella with little birds chirping and squirrels talking to us about how great our love is

d. I have a normal view, having fun and respecting each other

this.is.me.venting

People that change is a bigger urban myth than the Loch Ness monster

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First, I want to make this very clear, when I say change I am talking about a complete removal of a negative attitude, behaviour or belief. I do believe that people can improve themselves and slightly modify their character. You can modify only like 5% of your character and that isn’t easy.

Everyone grows up and matures, but to actually make a change you need to follow difficult and time consuming steps:

  1. Actually knowing what is wrong with you: There is some people that no matter how obvious their problems are, no matter how many people hate them and avoid them, how many similarities they have with a fairy tale villain, how much their attitudes differ from basic moral behaviour, how many lives they have damaged…they don’t know that they got a problem. Yes, it is true, the girl that can’t finish a sentence without gossiping, the person that thinks that if it doesn’t damage them it’s OK to do it, and the boss that no one wants to sit next to at meetings, they may not know that they’re batsh@#t crazy.
  2. Accepting that aspect of you that is “wrong” as part of a whole that makes you “YOU”: You’ll never change completely. You can become another person as easily as you can change your ethnicity and height (high heels don’t count), deal with it, you’ll never be Heidi Klum.
  3. Taking small steps to adapt and modify this behaviour in order for you to be happier, or in some occasions only so you can co-exist in society without traumatizing people with behaviours such as showing cleavage as low as Jlo’s at the Grammys, or talking non-stop all day at work about your new diet and showing people your new flat abs.

These steps are not easy, and since most people are stuck on step No. 1 and may think that keeping a secret is so 1990, or that loyalty is for dogs; and because changing is SO HARD and you can only change a little, save yourself some suffering and just accept people as they are or run.

If your friend criticizes your outfit and hair every time you see her or makes you buy clothing that you can’t afford, she won’t change. If your boyfriend thinks that being faithful consists of you not catching him with someone else, he won’t change. If your friend calls you to talk about herself for half and hour and fails to ask the question: “and how are you doing?”, she won’t change.

All the conversations that can be translated as “please change for me” are a complete waste of time, you can discuss one mistake, but does it really sound logic to discuss values, ways of thinking or personalities? NOPE

Infallible solution to get over someone: start seeing him as a different person (if he’s a loser, it’s even easier)

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Unless your break up was a big mistake and he is the love of your life (in this case run, go get him!), I am sure that now you have at least one good reason or a list of reasons why things didn’t work and weren’t meant to be, and shouldn’t be. Everyone deserves an initial period of sadness and grief, but after that, why don’t you use all those reasons as ammunition to get over him?, I’ll explain how. When you fall for someone, you see them in an ideal way, you see all the good in them, they’re the cutest guy in the world, you love how they make you feel, every moment is magical, etc, etc. But then, at the moment when you break up, or he breaks up you see another side, it is either an evil side that you had never noticed (he has the maturity of Snooki [or her drinking habits], the ego of Kanye West, or the ability of falling in and out of love of Kim Kardashian) or something that makes you and him incompatible (you are a vegetarian, he thinks that cows live in a spa before dying [true story], or he thinks that alcohol is evil, or maybe he’s one of those homophobes that likes to occasionally slap his male friends in the butt [true story]). Now that you think about it, this new person that he is now for you, isn’t it a lot different than the guy that you fell for? Completely different person, and he’s not your burden or problem anymore. Whatever the reason why things didn’t work is, I’m pretty sure there is a reason, and in some cases, there might even be a lot of disappointment on your side, that makes your case even easier.

OK, so to get over someone you just have to “REALIZE THAT THERE IS A GOOD AND LOGICAL REASON WHY YOU’RE NOT TOGETHER, WHAT HAPPENED IS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED AND IT IS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU”. Work on seeing him as a different person, a person with all these flaws that you didn’t see before, or/and a person with whom you are incompatible and you wouldn’t be happy together long term.

Follow these steps:

  1. You have grieved already, so now, without any feelings that match the ones of a character from a Greek tragedy, without sleeping in fetal position or crying in the shower, just think objectively about all of those reasons. It wasn’t meant to be and the sooner it ends the better.
  2. Reflect on the things that this relationship taught you and work on improving yourself.
  3. Reflect on the things that this guy had that you never ever want to look for again in any other guy in the future, make a quick mental note to run like the wind whenever you see this.

This method works, the key is to allow yourself to have enough grieving time before you do this and then lather, rinse and repeat… and then improve your taste in men, and work hard in not being a psycho yourself.

A man that can make scrambled eggs is admirable; say the conservative-weird-feminists

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This morning I was appalled at the use of frozen scrambled eggs in Canada, they taste like plastic that stinks and I thought: “how hard is it to crack an egg, scramble it and add salt and pepper”, apparently for some cultures, the answer to this question depends on your sex.

I almost puked my plastic scrambled eggs when I heard an older lady at work congratulating a 30ish married man because he could cook eggs, they both seem really happy discussing how his wife did “everything” in the house and he could not complain, of course you can’t complain if you’re the one who’s useless; the question is, why doesn’t she complain?

Coming from a home in which my parents always divided tasks fairly between them when needed, and thaught my brother how to survive (he cooks scrambled eggs and sometimes complicated things like omelette, just kidding! He’s an amazing cook), it’s hard not to be offended by this point of view.

I understand that women cooked, cleaned and raised the children WHEN THEY DIDN’T WORK, if a woman doesn’t work or does anything with her life, it is perfectly normal (and expected I’d say) that she takes care of the house, you’ve got to do something, right? I don’t agree with women who fill their days with pottery classes, fake nails and hair appointments either.

But if you are holding a full time job, even a position of power, are you expected to go home to cook, clean and serve dinner? Well, in my case, if you are a guy that likes me, you can start running if you expect that, because when you at least hint that, I’ll run, fast, and I’ll laugh, hard.

At least many years ago we had one role to fill, now we have two??? Smart thing, this feminism that sent some women to the office and then to do all the work that our predecessors did in 8 hours, in 3 hours!

I’m sorry, I’ll cook and clean for one because there’s no one else that’ll do it for me (in Latin America, everyone has maids so this does not apply so much), when I live with someone we’ll have to negotiate according to the tasks we hate the most: “hate doing laundry? I’ll do it and you’ll wash dishes”, I refuse to leave work at night to go and wash, clean, cook and serve him a cold one while I try to look pretty, so people won’t say that I look “tired”. If you ever wondered why a wife and mother looks so tired, now you know, maybe she has a useless husband.

There is always red flags: if it walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, and looks like a duck….

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First I want to clarify that I’ve lied to myself too, only to discover that there were flags that I ignored, I am not saying that I am inmune  to this.

We’ve all heard stories about guys who were perfect, and one day turn evil, perfect boyfriends and husbands that turned out to be serial killers, or pedophiles; or most commonly, they turn out to be cheaters and liars, had other wives, etc.

Well, I don’t believe those stories, I don’t believe that you could be married to Dr. Hyde and one day get My. Jekyll. I’m not referring to someone who makes one mistake; I am talking about an entire time period of pretending, lying or cheating.

To live parallel lives and hide that he had a completely different personality, morals and beliefs and cover that up flawlessly, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT, and I’ll tell you why:

ARE YOU REALLY THAT SURPRISED? REALLY?

Most of the time, after break ups and disappointments about someone, I like to reflect on the learnings for the future (how to prevent this from happening again), well, when I do that, I’ve always found red flags, in every case, every occasion. Are you really that surprised that they guy who said that he admired his sister for having 2 boyfriends without them knowing cheated on you? That the guy whose friends are all liars and party boys lied to you? That the friend that was always upset when you did good in life betrayed you? Really?

This seems logical, but sometimes we forget: we should invest our times and feelings on a person for what they are, not for what they should be or could be, or for what we want them to be. If someone is always talks about themselves and not you, leaves you waiting and cancels at the last minute, expecting consideration is really stupid. If when you told your friend that you were getting married, she started listing all your boyfriend’s flaws and faults and asked you if you were sure you wanted to that, ehem, maybe she’s not a sincere friend.

The red flags are there and we (yes, I include myself) choose to ignore them.

HOW GOOD OF AN ACTOR CAN HE/SHE BE? HOW ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW PEOPLE?

If there were people in real life that could have a fake personality 24/7 and find the perfect lie and excuse for every time they are somewhere else (or with someone else), getting an Oscar would mean nothing.

Come on! How many different (credible) excuses can a guy make for coming home at midnight 4 nights a week, RED BILLBOARD THERE!

And then there is the really important matter of values, a girl who always envies other people, who has betrayed all her friends, can and will not pretend permanently with you to be a super nice person that cares about others unconditionally. I am very sure that before she put Nair on your shampoo she talked sh#@$ about other girls in front of you, and you innocently thought that you were the exception….

HOW ABOUT YOUR 6TH SENSE/INTUITION/SMELL FOR SOMETHING FISHY?

How many times can you be lied to your face without you noticing anything? Not many, I believe.

How many men can cheat and hide all traces, and look at you the same way and act the same way they always did before cheating? Same answer

How many men can be serial cheaters and do the same thing to 6 girlfriends before you without you knowing? Same answer

There is always a change, something that sounds weird, dates that don’t’ match, explanations that don’t make sense, if there weren’t there would be a lot of perfect crimes in the world.

If you think that someone can turn evil overnight without being a werewolf, you are discounting all the time that you spent with them, your intuition and smarts and basically saying that they’ve got the acting stills of Al Pacino (whom I love FYI).

Mathematically, if someone is covering up for an entire personality or living a double life 24/7, there are too many mistakes that they can make for you not to catch ANY, basic probability laws.

Why I hater=d the “Tick Tock” episode of How I met Your Mother

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Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t understand how a normal adult can repeatedly do things without thinking, one mistake, that is normal, but a disconnecting your brain for a couple of days? I wish I could disconnect some parts of it sometimes, so if someone knows how to do this, I’m interested in learning, I’ll pay well. I also don’t understand how a person doesn’t know himself/herself enough to know who they really like or really love.

So apparently you can kiss an ex-boyfriend on a cab by accident, and then instead of using the brain cells that God gave you and run away ASAP to avoid doing something even more stupid, you can proceed to sleep with that ex-boyfriend as an “accident”, you fell on top of him, yeah right!.

If this wasn’t stupid enough, so you can continue the chain of stupid events and so you can hurt more people, the girl proceeds to give false hopes to the ex, and they agree to break up with their current significant others. Because this wasn’t enough, she decides that she WON’T break up, or tell the truth, but she’ll keep seeing the current boyfriend. Screw the ex that just faced his mistakes to be with you! You can continue changing your mind everyday and act according to whatever is convenient to you at that moment, if someone is crying because of you, who cares?

This episode supports the stupid idea that some people seem to have: that people are like objects. You can love all your shoes equally right? So why can’t you love 2 people?. Having to choose between two people is as illogical as saying that you have 2 heads, you can like 2 people, but have profound feelings for both to the point of confusion? . Chemistry is such a unique thing that the possibility of having the same “amount” of chemistry in the same Top 5 of aspects that are important to you, with 2 people is as likely as being struck by lightning 3 times in a week.

People are not an exchangeable commodity, you can’t substitute one with another one 2 days later, you can’t “choose” one person one day, and then have your feelings change the other; you can’t treat someone as a the love of your life  and then change your mind a week later.

It may happen that you’re lying to yourself and never had such deep feelings for the 1st person, or maybe you don’t have those feelings for the 2nd one, or maybe, just maybe, you’re just a serial monogamist that is in love with the idea of love and not the actual person. There is also people who have a real conflict between following their head or their heart. Whatever reason, you should know what YOU want, after all it’s YOUR head and YOUR heart. And all those sudden changes, will only hurt you in the end, because you’re messing with your own feelings; and  that person that you let go, already thinks that you are crazy and is happy that he/she dodged a bullet.

 

Things I’ve learned from dumb men, bad dates and crying friends

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“Tripping over the
same rock twice” is a Spanish saying that means making the same stupid mistake
twice, knowing that all the signs were there. Well, let’s just hope for the
best and expect that we don’t make the mistake a third time.

These “rules” that I
have learned apply to friendships, but mostly relationships:

  •  If you think that someone is dumb, immature, lacks morals, but you want to keep on
    dating them because they’re nice or good looking. Well, in the future they’ll
    be all those things but old and wrinkly.
  • If a person has a lot of “life problems”, you can only cut them some slack for a
    limited amount of time. It’s an adult’s responsibility to solve their problems
    and figure out their life, and if possible, not take forever in doing so.
  •  If someone has done something wrong to at
    least two people, they can do the same to you, and they will most probably
    will.
  • If someone
    doesn’t fight for you at the beginning, when it’s all easy and uncomplicated,
    they will for sure not fight for you years later when things are hard and
    you’re fighting to keep the spark alive.
  • If someone
    can’t tell you clearly what their intentions are with you, it’s either because
    their intentions are not good at all and they won’t tell you, or they don’t
    have any idea of what they want. Neither of those is good. “I want to be your
    friend”, “I want to get to know you first and see what happens”, “I don’t like
    you that way”, all of these area valid answers, they should be able to use
    them.
  • Sex and the City Samantha’s golden rule for relationships is very simple, but very
    useful: Are you like this J or like this L? If you are sad, depressed, anxious and lose
    sleep, is not a good relationship. You can try and work on these things if both
    of you are willing to put on an effort towards improving things, and for a
    limited amount of time.

  • “For a limited amount of time” that’s how much
    a problem should last. After this time you should either accept the problem and
    get over it, or solve it.

  • Never stay
    in a relationship for the memory of how amazing things were, or for the hope of
    how things will improve. You need to enjoy the present, that’s what you’re
    living, after all.
  • You’re no
    one’s babysitter. You can help someone figure out what they want to an extent,
    but if you feel like you’re raising someone, or giving therapy for
    psychological issues, get out!
  • The most important rule “DO NOT SETTLE”. Have fun, Maybe I shouldn’t be
    talking about this, since right now I’m lacking faith in love and I’m wondering
    how is it that I’ve worked on myself and how much I’ve worked on getting to
    know what I want and what I want to be and I’m still alone. But I still know that
    there’s someone amazing for me out there, an improved version of all my
    temporary soul mates, and I just hope I find him before 2030.

The substitution syndrome- powered by testosterone and the “all men are evil” epidemic

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I have noticed a certain action made by men, I’ve seen it in my relationships, other girls’ relationships and it seems like the most basic example of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”.
Common knowledge tells us that women are the ones who seek relationships and can’t be alone, there is nothing more fake than this. Well, this syndrome may be experienced by both men are women but there is no doubt that it’s more common in men, I’m referring to:
THE SUBSTITUTION SYNDROME: When you break up with a guy and he has another girl at the time of breakup, mere hours later or if they’re patient a few weeks. Even though some girls do it, I’m inclined to think that it has something to do with testosterone or male brain cells, maybe it started in pre-historic times (when the Flinstones were around) and it’s based in the thought: “I need reproduce, I need woman. Any woman?” . There is three types of substitution syndrome.
1. The guy who really cared about you and it’s so affected by losing you or not being able to maintain you in his life that he has to get someone to get his mind of you. This is known as “the rebound”, usually, the rebound girl is trashy and your polar opposite, she makes things really easy for the guy (until she gets pshycho-controlling because she notices that he doesn’t give half of a rats butt about her). Rebounds can last weeks, but sometimes years. I’ve witnessed a rebound that lasted 2 years and after that the guy still had feelings for the “original” girl
2. The guy who’s really looking to settle down, he wants a house with a white fence, dogs and (maybe) children, he’s a hopeless romantic. He’s only missed one thing: you won’t find those things if you don’t grow up and fight for them. These men are so romantic and idealistic that don’t know what to do with everyday problems. So they tend to jump from “love of his life” to “love of his life” at the first sign of trouble. We will refer to them as the “Insert wife here” guys (I credit my friend B. for the term)
3. The guys that actually don’t care and just want to have fun, they’re immature, they’re liars, they don’t care about people’s feelings. The thing is, if you’re dating this guy YOU KNOW THIS THINGS. No one can pretend to have a whole different personality, people have warned you that he cheats on every girl, he made comments about how it’s cool that his sister has two boyfriends, all his friends are cheaters, every ex hates him. You know this things, you are either in denial and ignore the red flags (or red billboards). Maybe you were just lonely, maybe you thought that you had the right “skills” to change him. We’ll call these guys “careless bastards”
Well, the problem is that now there is an epidemic, many, many girls now thing that all guys are careless bastards. They get bitter after the break-up and don’t realize that apparently, after all these years of evolution, most guys don’t know how to deal with this thing called “feelings” and vent in different ways, they can vent by not being alone. They may honestly think that they are causing you no harm because they’re no longer with you, and that you may be much better without them. Sometimes just asking helps you so much.
One time I had to ask: Why did you say that you cared but had someone else after just a week? And the honest answer I received is: I didn’t think that you cared that much about me, and after all, we were no longer together.
Another important fact to remember: There will always be a low self esteem woman that is waiting aroubd, waiting until the guy breaks up to attack, and his defences are not exactly high at the moment….