Text break ups are underrated

Not the best example

Not the best example

Breaking up sucks most of the time, even when you agree that it’s the right thing to do, rejection always stinks more than the bathroom at a cheap pub. Now there is so many options for breaking up: starting with the text and finishing with the ceremonial break up dinner.
I am a great supporter of the short and sweet text break ups because I don’t want a whole event made out of me getting rejected. What are we going to do next? A break up party? where you break up in public and after that you take questions from the audience?
Typical, you hear someone saying “at least you deserve that he/she breaks up with you in person”; to me, that sounds like “at least you deserve that your death is painful and slow”.
Lets look at how a regular breakup would go, vs. a text breakup:


Breaker: (over the phone) We need to talk about our relationship
Breakee: (freaks out) hmmm ok, when?
Breaker: tomorrow
Breakee: ok (can’t sleep and has a horrible night)
The next day…
Breaker: It’s not you, it’s me. I have no time for relationships right now, I need to find myself
Honest breaker: I’ve met someone hotter, I’ve met someone with more money, you’re too dumb, your boobs are too small
Breakee: whyyy? Oohh why???
Breaker: I am sorry, don’t cry!
Breakee: (cries and then goes home humiliated, to cry some more and watch something like Bridget Jones or The Holiday)


Breaker: I don’t want to see you again
Breakee: OK

See? Short and sweet, no humiliation needed. In case there is still doubt, I’ll list the benefits of a text break up:
– If you cry no one sees you/ If someone is crying for you, you’ll never know
– You can be honest (or pretend) that you also wanted to break up/ you can pretend that you believe them
– You have time to think about questions that you want to ask/ you have time to think about your answers
– If you REALLY want to follow up and ask for an explanation, you can arrange to do that later (who wants a further explanation on why this person doesn’t want you?)
– You don’t have to sit through the most awkward meal ever, or pack your food to go mid-bite so you can go home and cry.
– People don’t have to watch you break-up/ that can actually be fun for the other people that are watching.

Conclusion: text break ups are the way to go, please don’t do the “Break up post it” a la Berger from Sex and the City, that is just tacky.

What are your Break Up tips? Or funny experiences that you’d like to share?


People that are stupid and proud and cognitive dissonance



This morning, while driving in a very bright morning, I started thinking of very productive things such as the people that have pissed me off lately, more specifically, I was wondering why some people say stupid things and I’m all “whatever, continue your stupid existence” about it, while some people really piss me off with their crap. I had an epiphany that connected a very complex psychology concept with the fact that sometimes I just get angry easily.

Cognitive dissonant people: People that make no sense and are all “in your face” about it.


[Cultural break]

“The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feeling of discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs. When there is a discrepancy between beliefs and behaviors, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance.” – About.com

[Break is over]


They’re stupid and proud about it, or say things that are completely illogical and flaunt it, or are in the wrong and they yell at you! They could just walk around, making use of their lonely two brain cells and live a happy life, and let me live it, but no! They decided to be all up in my face with their amazingly dumb points of view; they are living and walking cognitive dissonance. If there is an echo in your brain from lack of use, why should it affect my life too?

I’m moving to present Exhibit A and B:


A: The subject is an Asian male who was driving in front of me yesterday; we had stopped on the lane to turn left on a light. Without making an effort to announce his plans in any way, he proceeded to back his car onto mine for a good 10 seconds, because after being in that lane Mr. I’m the center of the Universe decided that he didn’t want to turn anymore, so he was changing lanes in a very easy breezy way.

Because he is the Center of the Universe, he didn’t care if he ended up with each half of his car on a different lane, therefore blocking my way when the light changed and I was ready to turn. When I honked the horn for him to move, what Mr. Lovely decided to do was to insult me and show me the finger. Really???!!??, so you back your car to change lanes in the middle of traffic, block me so I can’t turn around and YOU’RE angry? Maybe you should call the provincial government so they make sure that when you want to go out and drive; they make it a rule that no one else drives so you can use the streets as your personal race track in reverse.

B: The subject is a female woman from Latin America, from a very small town and a very small brain, who uses Facebook to troll, but unlike most trolls that work undercover on Reddit, she likes to show her face and troll on people’s walls.

My friend and I were commenting on a status about our national football team, when she started trolling like a troll and defending the opposite team, like getting really flustered and rude. Lady, you are supporting a foreign team instead of yours, and instead of doing it quietly you decide to flaunt it, on Facebook, on someone else’s wall, when this person is saying the opposite thing, and you insult their friends.

Romantic or Psycho: a tutorial for dummies



You’d think that this is common sense, but apparently for some men, it is hard to figure out: When do you stop being cute and romantic and start being a stalker?
Once I heard that if a guy that you like acts insistent, it’s romantic; but when you don’t like the guy it’s stalkerish, and I agree to an extent. But what happens when a guy you like makes you fly away faster than an angry bird?

Here is a tutorial that will show guys the difference, the line is not so thin guys!:

– Begging to get someone back after screwing up: romantic
– Begging to get someone back 3 times a day, while using different “ routines” and one day acting all sad and the next one putting yourself down to reverse psychology the crap out of the poor lady: psycho

– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ”: romantic
– Texting someone you’re dating “good night ” after she broke up with you a month ago and you haven’t talked, and she has an App on her phone to block you: psycho

– Adding your girlfriend to Linked In and following her on Twitter: romantic
– Stalking your ex on Linked In after she has blocked your from any other social media tool, trying to conclude if she is dating someone from her posts and texting her to say that you’re glad she didn’t delete you: Psycho

– Showing up at your girlfriend’s place with flowers: romantic
– Showing up at your ex-girlfriend’s place with flowers after she has a restraining order against you and takes the back stairs after her classes in order to avoid you: psycho

These are only a few examples, but the general rule is that if someone is yelling at you or running the other direction when they see you, it may be safe to conclude that you are not, I repeat, you are not in a happy relationship with them anymore. Please don’t make us yell “stranger danger” or call the police when we see you.
It might be hard to figure out for some people but changing your attitude three times a day is a “no no”, so if you’re yelling at noon and crying at night, you should start seeing someone often, and that someone is a therapist.

Relationships with exes, is the status always “it’s complicated”?


ImageYou are over your ex; or at least you have stopped crying at work every hour; you have started wearing make up and doing your hair again; and maybe you don’t even cry when drinking anymore. So what happens when he messages you or calls you out of nowhere?

It seems like contact with exes always starts on a grey area, and sometimes there is no way out of this zone; and other times you see the light when it’s too late and you are between a bizarro relationship and a hard place.


– “The 50 shades of grey-area” ex:

This guy starts slowly, first he just says hi but this quickly evolves to the point of flirting: wait! Did he just told me that I’m hot and he’d like to take me on a tropical vacation?, but then he said that he’s sure I’ll find “someone special” soon. Is he the “someone special”?This guy is harder to read than “The Lord of the Rings” and it’s 25 pages describing the scenery of a single mountain.
Then you see him and you start wondering if it’s a date, just friends or what the hell.

Solution: In this case you should take advantage of the greyness of your situation and make it whatever is convenient for you: you want some attention? You got it!; you just want a friend? You got it!. And never do you ever reject a guy who expresses his interest clearly, for the major of Grey city. This “ex relationship” ends when it stops being convenient.

– “The friend that wants to marry you” ex:

This guy has had several girlfriends after you; but you had a good relationship that ended because of external reasons. Years have passed and now it seems like he only remembers the good stuff and you became “the one who got away”. After each girlfriend, he tells you that he broke up with her because “she is not you”.

Solution: Too little too late dude! Tell him to get over it, unless he gives you a ring or a puppy, and then take him seriously. Specially if the ring is expensive or the puppy is cute. Just kidding! But not kidding about the “engagement puppy” thing, which is what I want.

– The fake-friendship-offer ex:

You know that this guy doesn’t want you back, neither do you! But he is giving you mixed friendship signals. He begs for friendship, but then he doesn’t reply to messages. He texts you a lot for a few weeks, then he gets lost for months. What happened with the good old fake “lets be friends, but I will never make any effort to contact you after this?” You are not that great anyway, I prefer not ever seeing you again, than this on and off friendship thing we have. Your abstract “happy birthday” message once a year is nothing but weird, “no thanks” for the effort.

Solution: Never contact him again, and then pretend he died. He might come from the dead once or twice and then die for good.

– The friend with benefits ex:

He wants you back, but just some parts of you. There is nothing worse than have a commitment with someone, and then months later, just having just the physical part. Is it just me, or is it like saying “you’re hot, but had nothing else to offer”, it just feels, well, offensive. And then, what rules do you assign to this weird arrangement? If you are exclusive, what is the difference between this and a full on relationship?

Solution: This is a bad idea, don’t do it. Instead, put on a slutty dress, go to a bar and get yourself a real friend with benefits.

In conclusion, being civil with an ex is the way to go, but friendships with exes are almost always a bad idea. Unless you are clear on how you want to handle this and you don’t have any romantic feelings at all, just stay away from him. And if you have had a successful close friendship with an ex, I think that you are awesome, your story needs to be told to the world.

In my case, I feel proud of having very nice “we say hi once a month” relationships with exes, we don’t want to kill each other, and that is nice and as far as I want to go.



old maidWhy are you still single?
I used to lock my boyfriends in a basement; one of them escaped and told others, no one wants to date me now.

Wow! You’re biological clock must be ticking now.
No, what is ticking is a bomb that’s on my purse, I’d run if I were you

Your great aunt Whatever is old and alone, never got married and she had the saddest life, be careful!
Good point! I’ll just go smoke and drink alone to make sure I don’t get to that age

Who keeps you company on a lonely afternoon?
My imaginary friend Mary, she comes over and we have tea, she’s sitting right next to you right now!

I don’t see why you’re single when you’re so pretty.
Maybe not shaving my armpits and not wearing deodorant has something to do with it.

When are you planning on getting married?
If you get me a husband for my birthday, I’ll get married that day. Please order with time to spare in order to plan a big wedding.

And then the last one, from Sex and the City:

Charlotte: You have to take risks so you don’t wind up an old maid.
Carrie: Oh! That’s right. Must not wind up old maid. How will l remember that? Does anybody have a pen?

The frenemy boyfriend: The Berger from Sex and the City syndrome


bergerWe are prepared to recognize and reject frenemy women, but what about frenemy boyfriends? If you are a somewhat successful woman, or at least someone who knows what she wants, I am sure that you have dated this guy. Suddenly it seems like every little thing that you succeed at is giving you negative points with him, if he’s a nice guy he seems hurt, and if he’s an ass#$% he tries to put you down.

Berger seemed hurt about Carrie’s book selling and about her getting a big check, even about her being famous! We should have suspected that he wasn’t so sane after he gave his ex-girlfriend a double middle finger. The time when he gets angry because Charlotte doesn’t like carnations is truly disturbing, and then he tops it all up with asking for time off, then saying that he wants to get back together and then sneaking away in the middle of the night.

So everything is going great, he looks really happy for you when you get this really good job; until something goes wrong in his life and when you try to help, he says something like: “You don’t understand because you always have such good luck yourself” or “You always get what you want”, or “things are so easy for you” RED FLAG. Then one day someone makes a comment on how you’re smarter than him and it’s all downhill from there, he starts criticizing you to the point of being mean to you, until one day he breaks up with you on a Post It. And goes on to date a girl whose IQ is slightly higher than the one of the stuffed reindeer she gave him for Christmas, plus her hobby is stalking you to verify that you and him have no contact and posting 40 pictures of them kissing on FB everyday.

Sometimes the guy seems very confident, until you get a promotion and he says that “they had no one else to give this job too” or that “you shouldn’t be getting a bonus when people like Mary have much harder jobs and didn’t get one”.  We shouldn’t put up with this crap.

Or maybe he thinks that you’re too good looking for him, so he proceeds to call you fat, say that you have a big ass and compare you to a whale when you weigh 125 pounds. Somehow that is supposed to make his beer belly and wrinkles disappear on your eyes.

Recently, a friend was commenting on how she thought that being confident and independent was scaring away guys, to which I responded: yes, but it’s the wrong kind of guy anyway. Because I have dated him and I’ve seen my friends date him, he  only feels like a big strong man when next to a girl that is not the brightest crayon in the box, who needs 4 hashtags and 5 emoticons to correctly express herself in one sentence and who wears liquid eyeliner to yoga. You are not her, you don’t want to be her, so let him go and have not so bright baby crayons with her.  Maybe they’ll name their daughter Hashtag and be happily ever after.


Who has it all figured out? No one


I dated a guy last year who was 30, I always have perfect timing: I dated him when he didn’t know what he heck he wanted to do with his life. He  had broken up recently with a live in girlfriend and that was a big mess, and he was debating between alternatives such as moving to the country to open a cigar store, working Downtown at a small consultants firm or working at the most evil corporation in the world. Silly me, I thought that he would figure it all out soon and it would all be OK, the reality was, it just got worse and things ended.

The thing is, when I heard that someone was debating between working with Green Peace to save the whales or selling everything and go live under a rock in a glacier in Newfoundland Canada, I judged them, a LOT. I didn’t understand how you can be 30 and not know what you’re doing, we are adults and we should know what we want, right? WRONG

It is so easy to judge until this happens to you, it seems like when I look around everyone I know is questioning who they are, and more importantly, what they believe; or they are swimming deep in the sea of denial😛 (I don’t know what to do with these swimmers, do we throw them a floating device? or let them swim happily?)

What happens if you change a major belief in your life? Are you suddenly a different person? A bad person? What if you start liking a different type of guy? Or the same sex? Or casual relationships? Or quit your job to open a cupcake store? What if you change your religion from Baptist to Scientology?

When you are almost 30 is the time where you wonder what the heck you’re doing with your life, in general. At least I think I got it figured out when it comes to work/occupation, so that is a little bit less stress. But currently I am questioning everything else, I am questioning beliefs and I am regretting the time I’ve wasted being strict when I should have been living.

The truth is, the karma for judging others is that you are judging yourself just as severely.

Tired of being Ted (Of How I met your mother)


Have you ever seen I met your mother? It is a cute show that can be sometimes funny, but mostly just entertaining, I love this show and I think I know why, I AM TED.

Surrounded by super stable relationships that have lasted many years, friends who sleep around and serial daters, Ted is the guy who only dates special people, so he remains single most of the time and then has a few very meaningful relationships that end because of dramatic and profound reasons that make a good sitcom storyline, that’s me, Ted. Nice to meet you!

A#$%les don’t last long in my life (one date at most actually) and none of my exes are (a@#$@les, that is), all of them are great guys with whom I remain friends with, yes, real friends, not “I think we would be better as friends, but then I’ll never talk to you again because this is just something I say to people to make the break-up less hurtful”, I am pretty sure that I’ll be friends with this last guy too, great friends actually.

Me and my exes give each other life advice, professional advice, joke around and even give support through break ups, yes, believe it or not.

Sure, I do have great memories of exes that make me happy and sad (at the same time) during times of loneliness and I have no stories that will help me participate on “Bad Boyfriend Poker” and earn prizes on the radio (You’ll get this if you’re from Toronto and drive to work in the morning), but this is starting to feel like I’m at the Olympics, I am competing rarely and always come in second place. Come on! Everyone knows that losing is easier if you see that you didn’t have a chance,

 I am  the silver medal of “Happily ever after”.  I’m constantly “almost there”, really close to successful relationship territory, I am in “We have 90% of the things that we need to spend the rest of our life together and be super happy” territory, I am the queen of that region actually, and I’m a great ruler, come visit soon!

But if Ted and I have something in common, is that we are dreamers, this makes us always fight to make it work, but also helps us to keep the faith🙂 there has to be someone out there who is looking for another Ted!

I just met you, and dating is crazy, so I won’t give my number, call me NEVER


Dating S.U.C.K.S, honestly. You stress about what to wear, what to say, how to act, how much info to reveal, then you blink and it’s over, and you just had 10 mins of fun.

For me, it’s always a situation on which the reasons to break up are “mild”, nothing too dramatic, the most common scenario for me so far would be when the guy is nice but lacking a little bit of emocional intelligence (the maturity of a 5 year old watching Teletubbies).

To prove that dating sucks and we should all remain celibate or bring back arranged marriages, I’ll give you some percentages and facts that come from totally reliable sources:

-Dating is like making a very bad investment with high risk, where you put all your money and have a chance of 0.000000001% of getting it back, and you don’t even know how much of it you’ll get back! maybe you’re making all this effort for a dollar. And the 99.9999% chance of things sucking presents different posible endings, that of course stink like a bag of uncooked shrimp left in the sun for 2 days; like getting cheated on, things endind abruptly when you thought they were going well and they said that they loved you an hour before, someone breaking up with you right after sleeping with you, him breaking up with you by showing you a hickey from another girl,  you breaking up with him when you find texts from a girl showing her boobies or someone breaking up with you stating stupid reasons when you know that it’s sooooo their lost because they’re fat, ugly and broke. (all true stories that happened to people I know).

– You end up in dates that seem like a bad episode of a sitcom, or even worse, a reality show. You can meet one of those guys with anger issues that throw bottles at the waitress when they don’t get the ketchup fast; or the guy that burns himself with cigarrettes because the girl he likes doesn’t want to be with him (for this and more examples, watch The Real World Saint Thomas). You could meet a guy that acts like he’s on a date with his car and not you, or the guy who thinks vegetarianism is a myth, or the guy that hates mushrooms and people who eat them (please check my previous post, The Mushroom Guy)

– Even if it goes well, you honestly have a good time 20% of the time,and that is being generous the other 80% you’re just busy overthinking small details and things that he said and how he said them, and struggling about being tolerant about his lack of punctuality, never offering to wash dishes; or bigger problems like him being drunk all the time or forgeting to put some of  that dust covered Old Spice deodorant that he keeps in the back of the bathroom cabinet.

– How the f@#$#@ are you supposed to make plans that make 2 different people happy, at the same time? That is how you end in car shows falling asleep on top of the Ferrari because you’re so bored. Hell, how are you even supposed to hold a conversation when so many comments could make things go wrong, everytime you open your mouth the posibility of saying the wrong thing is 99.9%.

I’m thinking of putting together a “First Date Questionnaire”, it won’t really have the usual questions like: where do you see yourself in 20 years? but things that are more important that we never ask, such as:

– What is your view of a great relationship:

a. Dating 3 or 4 girls at the same time, since I get different things from each one of them

b. I just want to get married and get it over with, and have 15 kids

c. I want to be prince Charming to my Cinderella with little birds chirping and squirrels talking to us about how great our love is

d. I have a normal view, having fun and respecting each other


The naked man from How I met your mother, happened in real life


If you have now idea what this is, on an episode of How I met your mother, a guy talks about this move, “the naked man” that consists of just waiting for a girl, naked, 2 out of 3 times she’ll sleep with you (source: HIMY trusted statistics). This is Barney commenting about THE move: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB_6tVjvJw8. Well, the guys try this move on that episode.

I know that some guys want to feel like they live in a movie or a TV show, maybe you can get some ideas that you can apply on real life, well, one guy thought that it was a good idea to prove the vailidity of “The Naked Man”.

This happened to a friend, a very nice and innocent friend who trusts everyone. A friend of her friend, a guy that she has many years of knowing, but never was close friends with, lets call him Dummy, said that he was too far from home, and needed a place to stay. Her, as then nice innocent person she is(and since she introduced him to his current girlfriend), offered him a place to stay; he proceded to pull the “naked man” move and tell her to “come here”. I believe that the events that followed were interpreted in radically different ways by both of them, it went something like this:

EVENT: She offered him a place to stay

HE THOUGHT: Finally! I’m sleeping with her, I knew that she wanted me

SHE THOUGHT: I’ll just offer him a place to stay, does my hair look frizzy todat? hmmm

EVENT: She went to the bathroom

HE THOUGHT: This is the moment I was waiting for! I’ll take my clothes off and I’ll wait for her on a very sexy pose that shows my abs, I am the greatest when it comes to seduction tecniques!

SHE THOUGHT: I’ll put on my granny pj’s, the ones with the dinosaours, oh! I’ll brush my teeth and put on the face mask that I bought and I haven’t tried yet

EVENT: She comes out of the bathroom in granny pj’s

HE THOUGHT: She’s just playing hard to get! I’ll have to say something clever (and he said: “come here baby”), cleverest phrase ever!

SHE THOUGHT:WTF, I want to puke. I want to kill him, and puke, what do I do first?

After all these events, after she convinced him to put his clothes back on, he proceded to ask is she was angry, when she said “no”, he thought it was a good idea to ask her again if she would sleep with him. This guy has game!

The naked man didn’t work this time, I guess this is 1 out of 3 times…

I wonder where this guy gets other ideas to apply to his life, maybe he takes grooming and fashion advice from Jersey Shore, and in the future, marriage tips from the Kardashians and parenting advice from Toddlers and Tiaras…